Last Will And Temperament by Frantics
Last Will And Temperament by Frantics

Last Will And Temperament

Frantics * Track #1 On Frantic Times

Download "Last Will And Temperament"

Last Will And Temperament by Frantics

Performed by
Frantics
About

Last Will and Temperament (also known as “Boot to the Head” or “Mr. Muldoon’s Will”) is a comedy skit performed by The Frantics.

Last Will And Temperament Lyrics

LAWYER: As the executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Muldoon's Last Will and Testament
HEDGE: Well, get on with it, the bars open soon
JENNY: Oh, poor Arthur! Waah!
HANK: There, there Jenny!
RALSTON: God, how predictably boring
MRS. MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man
LAWYER: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading...
RALSTON: I knew it
HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah
LAWYER: I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body --
HEDGE: That's a laugh! Hah, hah, hah, hah...
LAWYER: -- do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my overly emotional sister Jenny --
JENNY: Waahh!
HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us
JENNY: Oh
LAWYER: -- who grubbed with her husband Hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy --
JENNY: What?
LAWYER: -- to Jenny I leave...a boot to the head
JENNY: A what? (THUMP!) Ow!
HANK: Jenny, are you okay?
LAWYER: And another boot to her wimpy husband Hank
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Ah, but still, you are my sister. You have both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it --
JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!
LAWYER: -- I bequeath another boot to the head
JENNY: What? (THUMP!) Ow!
HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah!
LAWYER: And another one for the wimp
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Next, to my alcoholic brother --
HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head
LAWYER: -- to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life --
HEDGE: I'm covering up my head!
LAWYER: -- I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey
HEDGE: Really?
LAWYER: And a boot to the head
HEDGE: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And another for Jenny and the wimp
JENNY: (THUMP!) Uh!
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston --
RALSTON: This is so predictable
LAWYER: I leave a boot to the head
RALSTON: (THUMP!) Uh! I knew it
LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp
JENNY: (THUMP!) Ow!
HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: This takes care of family obligations
And now, to Mrs. Mulroy --
MRS. MULROY: Oh, uh, I don't want nuthin'
LAWYER: -- who took care of me faithfully these many many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea --
MRS. MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind
LAWYER: To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath... a boot to the head
MRS. MULROY: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp
JENNY: (THUMP!) Ah!
HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire vast... boot to the head!
MITTENS: (THUMP!) Meoooow!
LAWYER: And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head, but a rabid Tasmanian Devil, TO BE PLACED IN HIS TROUSERS???
(growling...) Uhh! Huh! Huh! Huh! (panicking...) And, and, and
I leave my entire estate of $10,000,000 to the people of Calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent!!!
HANK: Is that it?
RALSTON: That's it?
HEDGE: That's disgraceful
LAWYER: There's one last thing for everyone
HEDGE: Cover your heads, everybody!
LAWYER: I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream
HANK: Ice cream?
HEDGE: Ice cream?
RALSTON: Ice cream, that's all?
LAWYER: That's all
MRS. MULROY: But what flavor is it?
LAWYER: Boot to the head!
(THUMP!) (THUMP!) (THUMP!) (THUMP!) (THUMP!)

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