Last Will And Temperament

LAWYER: As the executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Muldoon's Last Will and Testament
HEDGE: Well, get on with it, the bars open soon
JENNY: Oh, poor Arthur! Waah!
HANK: There, there Jenny!
RALSTON: God, how predictably boring
MRS. MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man
LAWYER: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading...
RALSTON: I knew it
HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah
LAWYER: I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body --
HEDGE: That's a laugh! Hah, hah, hah, hah...
LAWYER: -- do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my overly emotional sister Jenny --
JENNY: Waahh!
HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us
JENNY: Oh
LAWYER: -- who grubbed with her husband Hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy --
JENNY: What?
LAWYER: -- to Jenny I leave...a boot to the head
JENNY: A what? (THUMP!) Ow!
HANK: Jenny, are you okay?
LAWYER: And another boot to her wimpy husband Hank
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Ah, but still, you are my sister. You have both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it --
JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!
LAWYER: -- I bequeath another boot to the head
JENNY: What? (THUMP!) Ow!
HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah!
LAWYER: And another one for the wimp
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Next, to my alcoholic brother --
HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head
LAWYER: -- to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life --
HEDGE: I'm covering up my head!
LAWYER: -- I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey
HEDGE: Really?
LAWYER: And a boot to the head
HEDGE: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And another for Jenny and the wimp
JENNY: (THUMP!) Uh!
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston --
RALSTON: This is so predictable
LAWYER: I leave a boot to the head
RALSTON: (THUMP!) Uh! I knew it
LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp
JENNY: (THUMP!) Ow!
HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: This takes care of family obligations
And now, to Mrs. Mulroy --
MRS. MULROY: Oh, uh, I don't want nuthin'
LAWYER: -- who took care of me faithfully these many many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea --
MRS. MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind
LAWYER: To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath... a boot to the head
MRS. MULROY: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp
JENNY: (THUMP!) Ah!
HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire vast... boot to the head!
MITTENS: (THUMP!) Meoooow!
LAWYER: And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head, but a rabid Tasmanian Devil, TO BE PLACED IN HIS TROUSERS???
(growling...) Uhh! Huh! Huh! Huh! (panicking...) And, and, and
I leave my entire estate of $10,000,000 to the people of Calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent!!!
HANK: Is that it?
RALSTON: That's it?
HEDGE: That's disgraceful
LAWYER: There's one last thing for everyone
HEDGE: Cover your heads, everybody!
LAWYER: I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream
HANK: Ice cream?
HEDGE: Ice cream?
RALSTON: Ice cream, that's all?
LAWYER: That's all
MRS. MULROY: But what flavor is it?
LAWYER: Boot to the head!
(THUMP!) (THUMP!) (THUMP!) (THUMP!) (THUMP!)