Kill Yourself

[Verse 1]
Have you ever felt sad or lonely?
Have you ever felt two feet tall?
Have you ever thought, "Man, if only
I was anybody else at all"
They like to kick you when times get rough
And you give your all but it's not enough
And sticks and stones might break your bones
But words can break your heart
But if you don't know where to go
I'll show you where to start

[Chorus]
Kill yourself, it'll only take a minute
You'll be happy that you did it
Just go over to your oven and shove your head in it
Kill yourself, really you should do it
There's really nothing to it
Just grab a mug and chug a cup of lighter fluid

[Interlude]
Okay, now
I feel like you've pulled back
Maybe it's on account of the fact that I'm telling you to kill yourself over and over again
I'm just trying to make a simple point
That these...that life's toughest problems don't have simple answers
You shouldn't just be brave
You shouldn't just roar
You shouldn't kill yourself
But I understand that
It's a sensitive subject and you're probably just hearing me say that
And I've dealt with s— I don't wanna be insen— look

[Verse 2]
I sound unempathetic
I sound mean and rude
Suicide is an epidemic
And I don't want to be misconstrued
Signs of depression go overlooked
So if you're depressed
Then you need to book a therapy session
Talk about your depression
And let a professional hear it
But if you search for moral wisdom in Katy Perry's lyrics, then

[Chorus]
Kill yourself, it won't be painful
If you are able
To give a little kiss to an oncoming train, you'll
Kill yourself, it's over, mull it
There's a trigger, pull it
Get it through your head, "it" being a bullet

[Outro]
Stick your tongue in a plug
Suck a pipe of exhaust
Make some toast in the tub
Nail yourself to a cross
Hold your breath 'til it's gone
Drink a gallon of mace
Be gay in Iran
Let Oprah sit on your face
Jump off of a bridge
Skinny dip in a flood
Sky dive attached to a fridge
Drink a Haitian guy's blood
Break into the zoo
Give the tiger a shove
Eat a Phillips head screw
Marry Courtney Love

[Spoken]
Don’t kill yourself
[audience laughing]
I-I don’t like explaining jokes that… The joke where I tell everyone to kill themselves might deserve an explanation. Do not! And if you’re offended, do not write a blog. I apologize immediately. Sorry! Right away!