Can’t Handle This

[Part I]

[Intro]
I went to Kanye West's recent tour, the Yeezus Tour
It was a big, dramatic, theatrical show
He did something very strange at the end of his show
Where he ranted for like 20 minutes
It was kind of a rant, kind of a song
He had auto-tune on his voice
And there was an instrumental in the background
Like this instrumental
He talked about his problems
Race, power; his $90 T-shirts weren't selling very well—that was most of it
And I watched this, I thought maybe I could do this
I'll be honest, my problems are not as high-stakes as Kanye's, but I have problems
And maybe a crowd in New York would be nice enough to indulge me
So as we get to the end of a night of theater, and comedy, and sweaters coming on and off
I got one question for you, and that question is...

[Verse 1]
Can I say my shit?
New York, can I say my shit?
I've got lots of shit to say
I've got lots of shit to say
Ooh, ooh-ooh
I can't fit my hand inside a Pringle can
I have a huge amount of trouble fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can
I can get my hand like four inches into the can
But then, I have to tilt the can into my mouth
But by that point, a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can
So they all go spilling onto my face
What I'm trying to say is the diameter of Pringle cans is way too small
I'll say it again
The diameter of Pringle cans is way too small
Two radiuses of a Pringle can is way too small
If you feel me, put your hands up, come on!
If you feel me, put your hands up
Look at all these hands that are way too big to fit inside a Pringle can
Your hands are too big to fit inside of Pringle cans
Your hands are too big to fit inside of Pringle cans
You think you can, I know you can't, you think you can
Pringles! Listen to the people!
I am sure ninety percent of the complaint letters you get are about the width of your cans
Just make them wider
I've overdone the Pringles thing, sorry

[Verse 2]
I wanna have a daughter
Wanna have a daughter
So I can finally have someone around the house who can fit their hands in a Pringle can—yes, I'm still on the Pringle cans thing! Yeah!
I'll—I'll move on, alright?
But that is priority número uno
I don't go to the gym, 'cause I'm self-conscious about my body
But I'm self-conscious about my body 'cause I don't go to the gym
Irony can be so painful
That's a Catch-22, ooh, ooh-ooh
Let's do this!
I went to Chipotle
Went to Chipotle
Got myself a chicken burrito, brrap
I went down the line, I got like all these ingredients
And then, at the end of the line, the guy tried to wrap the burrito
But half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out, and he still wrapped it
I was like, "Dude, you should have warned me!"
You're a burrito expert; you should have told me halfway through—
"Hey, man, you might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here"
Do you think I want a messy burrito?
No one wants a messy burrito
The whole appeal of a burrito is that all of the ingredients are contained within the confines of the tortilla
I wouldn't have gotten half this shit if I knew it wasn't gonna fit in the burrito!
Alright? Look

[Pre-Chorus]
I wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit
Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit
Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit
I wouldn't have got half of it
Like, I'm okay with small mistakes
If you've got no more chicken, I'll take pork
But I'll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork

[Chorus]
Wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit
Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit
Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't—
Man, I wouldn't have got half of it, like
Half of it like, half of it like
Half of it like, half of it right now
I think it's time I, think it's time, that we break it down

[Part II]

[Interlude]
Ooh
Whoa, whoa
Whoa
Bl-l-l-l-l-l
(Put the lotion in the basket)

[Verse 3]
I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are
Pringle cans
And burritos
The truth is my biggest problem's you
I want to please you
But I want to stay true to myself
I want to give you the night out that you deserve
But I want to say what I think and not care what you think about it
A part of me loves you
Part of me hates you
Part of me needs you
Part of me fears you
And I don't think that I can handle this right now
Handle this right now
I don't think that I can handle this right now
I don't think that I can handle this right—
I don't think that I can handle this right—
I don't think that I can handle this right—
Look at them; they're just staring at me, like
"Come and watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health
And laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself"
Think that I can handle this right—
I don't think that I can handle this right—
They don't even know the half of this, right—
They don't even know the half of it
But I know I'm not a doctor
I'm a pussy, I put on a silly show
I should probably just shut up and do my job
So here I go

[Chorus]
Wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit
Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit
Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit
Wouldn't have got half—
You can tell them anything
If you just make it funny, make it rhyme
And if they still don't understand you
Then you run it one more time
Think that I can handle this right— HO!
Handle this right— HO!
Handle this right
Andu don't even know the half of this right now
Right now
HAH!
Now
Handle this right, handle this right
Handle this right now

[Outro]
Thank you
Good night
I hope you're happy