Kid Twist vs Shuffle T

[Round 1: Shuffle T]
Jesus Christ...he made it; holy mackerel
'Bout to show you how this fire works; roman candle
It's about to get hard, core; frozen apple
Rays in (raising) the roof; solar panel
If you make it through by the skin of your teeth there will be no enamel
If you flop you'll turn up in the river that's the poker channel
I'm dressed for war when I need to go to battle
Like I was sponsored by B.C.O. Apparel
Don't you hate it, when the nerdy guys with wispy Jesus hair
Go from cracking jokes and anecdotes to givin' evil stares?
Then they leave cause it doesn't work and they return for the fans that didn't even care?
And then they have to-
Oh sorry, Kid Twist, I didn't see you there!
Canada, you're welcome you got an international mastermind
Comes fully stocked with stamina, heart and rhymes, the full thing
The full package with bars combined
That just 1.1% of Cassidy's asking price
That is a bargain, right?
Against Kid Twist, and he's so proud of startin' the whole white nerdy battler thing
Like he's the Jesus Christ of us
Or Leonidas, the freedom fighters who've seen the light above
White guys in a black culture? You've reunited us!
Maybe white people can finally have equal rights for once!
No more do we need those special seats to ride the bus!
So proud that you broke through
Go, you!
We deserve to part of this
So true!
Nah, he did start the white nerdy battler thing, there's no debatin' it's true
And that's exactly why I'm here imposin' hate on the dude
Cause when people think of me they associate me with who
I look similar with
So they literally think I'm a faux creation of you
But, I went on online recently and a poll was taken to use
"Most Popular White Nerdy Battlers"
Your lonely name was removed
I knew it wasn't looking good when Charron had came into view
And I scrolled down, and 100 Bulletz had overtaken him, too!
And people compare our hair, your hair is not enough
My hair is soft as fuck
Running your hands through it is like poppin' suds and washin' up: it's soft as fuck
Softer than pocket fluff, softer than cotton buds
Soft as a washing rug, it's as soft as a chocolate sponge
Soft as a body scrub
Softer than Forrest Gump
Softer than Soul's Caustic punch while wearing a boxin' glove: it's soft as fuck!
I mean, look at this lunatic, fruity bitch
Thinks he can move his fingers through it quick and swoop his wrist
And suddenly we're all like, "Ooh, it's Twist! What shampoo is this?"
Ludicrous, you look stupid kid
I'm glad that you decided to lose the quiff, but it looks like you styled it with human shit
And so he retired...from battle rap to focus on his book
That's really gay!
You've been writing it for five years and probably still haven't managed to finish page
Mark Zuckerberg retired in his 20's 'cause he made a million dollars in a single day
You retired from battle rap 'cause you ran out of things to say
What you did wasn't even retirement, why would you pretend?
What you did was go, "Battle? Pssh! I won't do it again
Unless, obviously, I want to do it again
In which case, probably, I'll just do it again!"
You can't retire from battlin', it's a hobby
You see how benign that sounds?
That's not the kind of thing that people take lyin' down
Swap it for any other hobby, he's in the club, some lady spirals 'round
And he's like, "Yeah, I use to do crossword puzzles but...I've retired now."

[Round 1: Kid Twist]
You handsome motherfucker
Whoever said to use those Jesus hair bars, gave you good advice, honest
'Cause the only way you'd beat me is in a Kid Twist look-alike contest
All those lines about your hair, man, I wanna do that and see how my hand would feel
That's more like the inside of a banana peel or the wrapper of a Happy Meal
And just 'cause we're at the Queen Elizabeth, don't think this Brit scares me
That just means you'll die (Di) inside a royal like Prince Harry was miscarried
It's Shuffle T!
Wack flavor, tiny balls: call him Bubble T (tea)
But his accent is an exaggerated novelty, so you could never call him Subtle T
I'll make them 'Reminisce Over You', you're in Trouble, T
You'll probably be a wife beater if you only had the muscle, T!
He's the king of comedy, but only 'cause I passed it down to him
So, once I disembowel him, I'm taking back my crown again
And I can tell you how this ends
As the second battle, in which we see you spit some Bad Bars and throw the towel in
Shuffle sucks!
You only play the Joker card, so you don't shuffle much
Plus you're a motherfucking Muggle blood from Hufflepuff
You think Shuffle's tough? He's nothing much!
I'm more seasoned and skilled than you
The hardest part is that I have to look at ME when I'm killing you!
You wanna hear some nerd shit?
This is such a Mirror Stage I feel like Jacque Lacan
I'll still end this princess's whole world: call him Alderaan
Nerd shit, when I have Daylyt run up on your block as Spawn
And stomp the shit out of you for showing up to Comic-Con without a costume on!
You wanna hear some real life shit?
Alright...all jokes aside
No, all jokes aside
2005 was the year my life altered
I've never been through times darker
My mind's monsters were a cross of Clive Barker's and White Walkers
Honestly, I tried suicide...death seemed like a nice offer
But if I had known then that I'd go on to start an ENTIRE GENRE of battle rap
I would've fuckin' tried harder
'Cause I'M the one who taught these scrawny white awkward guys to rap
And I sincerely apologize for that!
So if you think all these parody bars are depressin' as shit
Then blame my fourth round for Fresco where I INVENTED THAT SHIT!
I know a 2-on-2 would've been better to give the fans
But Canada already has a famous twin lesbian sister band
Wait, no, see, it's more like Full House and you're the Olsen Twin team
'Cause it took two of you to fill my one role in the scene!

[Round 2: Shuffle T + Marlo]
Saying I stole your style, don't take the piss, bruv
I clearly stole Pat Stay's style! Quit making things up
It's pretty obvious, right?
Now, I'll be honest, I've got something a little secretive coming
'Cause I liked that first round, but it seemed to miss something
See, people say you're my double, Twist
But I'll make this a double twist when I make this a doubles, Twist
And you won't see the Twist coming!
WHAT?!
Yo, but apparently this the kind of beating Twist wanted
Two for the price of one! He'll be needing his courage
And I haven't exactly had the easiest run-in
Shuf' couldn't get me a plane seat with his budget, had to sneak me in Customs
Do you know how fucking hard it was to breathe in his luggage?
Man, I knew you needed my help, man, you sounded funny
Well, what can I say? I wasn't the same without you, buddy!
What's up. Twist?

[Twist]
What's up man?

[Marlo]
Your voice? Is fucking annoying
Piercing and shrill cause you're actually ten
He goes to the hormone clinic and asks for the Janice from Friends
It's the sonic equivalent of Cassidy's stress in that meme where his eyes are coming out of his head
And you look more like Shuffle than Shuffle, it's a tough decision
You look so much like Shuffle, you make Shuffle look like someone different
Of course I stepped in, what did you think?
I'd leave my boy on the rocks with a twist like a popular drink?

[Shuffle T]
No, we're both here to take him to the top of the brink
Then we're dropping this bitch into a bottomless pit

[Marlo]
I bet his novel is shit

[Shuffle T]
His novel is shit, it makes that graffiti in the men's room on top of the sink comparatively read like it was Oliver Twist
I mean you've been writing that thing for five years, what are you doing?
Improving the punchline count?
If you write a sixth of a page every singular day you would be done by now

[Marlo]
I bet you'd turn into a fucking weirdo when you have writer's block
Properly awkward bloke
Time to watch porn, he's not even horny though
He just thinks the plot of the story is dope
And when every publisher rejects you it'll be daytime TV and slobbing it bored at home
And it make sense, a Kid that no one wants to deal with watching The Maury Show

[Shuffle T]
But to be honest, you're just boring to write for Twist, we're not going to pretend

[Marlo]
We could barely pad out a full round to go to the end

[Shuffle T]
We even resorted to using the same rhymes over again

[M] And over
[S] And over
[M] And over again
Fucking Alex Larsen, fucking average Joe, nothing to kill
You're so run of the mil' you're probably running a mil'
There was a [?] New Year's at his buddy called Will's
With slots in the grill and hundreds of pills
All his best friends were there getting drunk it was ill
So he stayed home had a quiet one and just chilled

[Shuffle T]
Kid Twist is so fucking dull and grey
That if anyone offered him a couple drugs today
He'd keep eye contact, turn around and run the other way

[Marlo]
Plus, you use your battle intros to explain your angles before you spit 'em bruv, why?
So the crowd will understand every shitty punchline?
That's like Chris Rock starting a show like, "Before I begin this one guys
Please remember about how black and white people differ sometimes."
And you call yourself a legend in an interview
A legend, mate...how!?
Oh yeah, I'm sure they're writing you into the school curriculum any day now

[Shuffle T]
"Now, this next legend is slightly kind of undiscovered here
It's not King Arthur, whose bravery can conjure up a tear
Or Lancelot, who left his enemies huddled up in fear
This person's a legend because he drunk a couple beers
And decided to do a rap battle once a fucking year!"
Oh, and guess who he said was his favorite 2-on-2 and his top five on the card?
Yeah, nice one mate! You're not on ours!
Putting us in your top five, that's stupid
And another thing-

[Marlo]
No, no, no, you know what? Thank you Twist
When this event was being arranged
Twisted sided up to 'Ganik and tried the upper hand like

[Shuffle T]
"Listen 'Ganik, I'm not coming back."

[Marlo]
"How did you get in my house?"

[Shuffle T]
"I know you want me to try another match."

[Marlo]
"Do I? To be honest man I'm not fuss with that."

[Shuffle T]
"No, no, no 'Ganik you won't wind me up with that."

[Marlo]
"Aren't you doing that book? Do you need to write a couple chap-"

[Shuffle T]
"Ah, da, da, I'm not returning. I'm not. I'm not- fine, I'm coming back."

[Marlo]
"What?"

[Shuffle T]
"But if I do make my return I would like a hundred stacks."

[Marlo]
"No."

[Shuffle T]
"Fine, flights, a couple grand."

[Marlo]
"No."

[Shuffle T]
"Accommodations."

[Marlo]
"No."

[Shuffle T]
"I'll spend the night at mom and dads
But I want to wear my stripey underpants"

[Marlo]
"Well obviously I can't stop you-"

[Shuffle T]
"Yes! Negotiation tactics! I'm the fucking man!
Oh, one more provision: title chain, kinda want it back."

[Marlo]
"Out of the question."

[Shuffle T]
"Fine, I understand..."

[Marlo]
Surprise 2-on-1, we fucked him up with this shit!
So there's only one thing left to say

[Shuffle T]
Shut up, Kid Twist!

[Round 2: Kid Twist]
Okay well, first of all, you tried to diss my negotiation skills like they were shitty and suck
But I negotiated to get you both here so you should be bigging them up
I know what you're thinking, "They set Twist up!
A handicap match this will be the end of him."
No, I set Marlo up
Cause I'm really here to steal his best friend from him
Adam, Adam, if we were best friends I'd phone you to Skype for hours
He'd stand you up then you go home and have a cry in the shower
On your girl's birthday I'd remind you to buy her flowers
He just reminds you of your depressing life without her
Like when you double teamed a chick and he was needed and quite the downer
But if we double teamed a chick we would go all night and wow her
And compared to your threesome, our threesome had twice the power
Cause you just did the spit roast and we'd do the Eiffel Tower

{Twist starts looking for a teammate on the stage}
Organik, you gonna jump in? You wanna...you gonna...jump in, jump in man. C'mon, c'mon man. Jump in?
Rich? You gonna? You gonna...?

[Knamelis]
Let's do this shit

I'm like, Shuffle and Twist? What the fuck is that shit?
Shuffle and Twist sounds like a dance move that'll have this old man busting his hip
Or a technique my wife uses when she's sucking my dick

[Kid Twist]
Yeah it sounds dumber than shit
But now that you and Marlo came to try and help
It's Kid Twist featuring three dudes who'd be nameless/Knamelis by themselves
See, we're more English than you cause we know the perfect way to mix a tea

[Knamelis]
First you take a Tricky P
[KT] Then add some British tea
[K] Turn gimmicky to infinity and then you finish with a Twist of
[KT] Me!
Cause we're both skinny physically but stylistically you're a Mini-Me
Mickey Mouse to Minnie Mouse they took the same image and made a bitch of me

[Knamelis]
And you...your hairline looks like an old dying willow tree
Your eyebrows are two millipedes and your beard is a little bit silly string

[Kid Twist]
Your shirts are always stretched out

[Knamelis]
Who dresses you, your fricking schemes?

[Kid Twist]
Your shoes are looking played out

[Knamelis]
Who dresses you, your similes?

[Kid Twist]
But this battle has racist stereotypes put to shame
Proof that white people are the ones who all look the same

[Knamelis]
But actually, you guys kinda look like two child stars
Who grew up and kind of made a rough transition

[Kid Twist]
The one who avoided the pitfalls of fame and drug addiction

[Knamelis]
And the one that didn't

[Kid Twist]
Marlo, are you honestly okay?
I mean it's clear Shuffle used to take care of you
And now that he moved and ain't there with you
You eat ice cream in your boxers all day playing Sinead's "Nothing Compares To You"

[Knamelis]
So eat a dick
Oh wait, you already did at BOTB 6
When DBD touched that Oreo to his penis that your team licked!
I know, I know, British people aren't street-smart, but here's a street tip
Don't take free treats and crisps from a guy who's name has got "Dirtbag" as a prefix

[Kid Twist]
Yeah, see, we brought up Oreos
Cause you did a battle to advertise them like a couple mugs
You fucking sellouts...we would've held out for Double Stuf!
Marlo is not a pedophile
'Cause you pronounce it "PEE-do-file", right? Correct me if not
Your comedy sets were a flop but you're still on TV and sketches a lot

[Knamelis]
And I just had a thought
Since your parents are from the Church Of Ladder Day Christ
It's ironic these skit comedians can't even get live on a Saturday night!

[Kid Twist]
See, that's 'cause they're throwbacks to when Monty Python comedy was the rage
So we'll leave your parrot dead in it's fucking cage then silly walk on your fucking grave
You grew up on Little Britain but Canada runs the skit tradition
Kids In The Hall are even better at dressing up as English women

[Knamelis]
So, boy, you so British, why don't you go play Quidditch
A pound to you, that's a dollar, a pound to me, that's a business
You visitors here while we live it
We paint the picture so vivid
So beg the world for acceptance, we just ask the judge for forgiveness

[Kid Twist]
That's the difference
Look, the WRC's we were at you reenact but faster and shittily
What you expect from some actors besides theatrics and mimicry?
That's the difference
They're a parody

[Knamelis]
They're Epic Rap Battles Of History

[Kid Twist]
And we've actually been in some of the most epic rap battles in history

[Round 3: Marlo]
Oh do fuck off
Fucking...the one who avoided drug addiction and the one who didn't
Fuck you bitch, I have a metabolism you have a metobalism
Yo, how the fuck is this fair?

[Shuffle T]
Yeah, now it's a 2-on-2 all of a sudden after a 1 on 1 back in the first round
Who would've thought that totally impromptu stunt just happened to work out?
You really think we're bothered by Knamelis?
He's the kind of guy to rhyme "serious" and "delirious"
So if you think he's good you are seriously delirious
Cause damn son, in the WRC's you were the wack one

[Marlo]
And now it's Kid Twist and Knamelis
Ooooooh
What a great team
I would've never doubted them
Fuck are you gonna do? Give a 7 out of 10?

[Shuffle T]
It's Knamelis and Kid Twist, Canadian misfits
But you both can't compete with the way that it's scripted

[Marlo]
Terrible team, you can't write to the level of chemistry we pen for one round

[Shuffle T]
Our transcripts show how well we interchange this stuff 'round

[Marlo]
It goes T for Theo, A for Adam
T.A.T.A. all the way the fuck down

[Shuffle T]
Til that shit starts reading like one of Big T's gun sounds
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta

[Marlo]
So you called us out to do a doubles thing
Well I didn't think you meant literally a doubles thing
You fucking pricks, suck a dick
You look exactly the same with your fucking luscious thick Black hair and your and your fucking beards wit their stubble bits

[Shuffle T]
Mate, mate, mate, mate why you saying that to me?

[Marlo]
I don't know who the real Shuffle is!

[Shuffle T]
Do you remember when you came to England and dissed Eur' mid round and the big crowd totally died down?
You voice quivering and shivering as you pented up both of your eyebrows
You looked so nervous in the clash I thought you were going to cry out
"I'm sorry I'm just really emotional right now."

[Marlo]
And supposedly you guys are legends, two of Canada's vets
So there's really no excuse if your angles are stretched
And I have it on good authority that if you don't rap at your best
Drake will personally stab you to death

[Shuffle T]
Canada bars

[Marlo]
Your free healthcare is slightly more expensive per [?] than ours

[Both]
Canada bars

[Shuffle T]
Your national parks are so massive and vast
That if you traveled by car your family would starve

[Marlo]
Why do you get angry when you're having a laugh?
When Knamelis tells a joke in a battle he'll be pulling his face like it just hurts
You tried this funny yet aggressive approach against him and it was just awkward and just didn't work
Your head goes red and your veins pop out and everyone's worried you'll split a nerve
What's he like with his kid?
"Hey you wanna hear a joke? FUCKING KNOCK KNOCK YOU LITTLE JERK!"
But hey, you're a fucking father now dude
Congrats, congrats
Yo, you must be a happy guy
So awesome, you're a goddamn dad it's massive, right?
And family life, that is nice
Sacrifice
Remember when you used to just jam and ride with 20 cans a night
And go on acid highs and vandalize traffic lights and play beer pong at the guys
So you rap outside and fucking fuck random women with tanning lines
And generally have a life?
Now you won't have the time

[Shuffle T]
Paradise
And look, he's only a newborn now but that kid will become a right little fucker soon
Trust me
And you have to take the awful brat's crap
Come home to find your studies all destroyed and ransacked
You look into your wallet and see that he's taken all of that cash
But you still have to love him unconditionally or you're a bad dad

[Both]
Naaaah, we're just kidding congratulation, congratulations, congratulations...

[Shuffle T]
But fuck your kid is ugly, little freak of the night
It looks like Chucky got hit with a meteorite
You're normal looking so I blame your skeeze of a wife
For making the ugliest fucking baby I've ever seen in my life

[Both]
Naaaah, congratulations, well done, congratulations, we're having a laugh, we're having a laugh

[Marlo]
It's got fucked up red rashes and a gargoyle face with some sunken eyes
It looks like my shit when it's quite big and I've failed to flush it twice
I got asked to rate how ugly it is on a scale from 1 to 5
I said, "That's not enough." When I look at that fucking baby I want to die

[Both]
Naaaah, congratulations, it's a bundle of joy, it's a bundle of joy, amazing, it's amazing

[Shuffle T]
You guys got to quit claiming the nerd squad
You'll never be as nerdy and awkward as us
These are the jocks in disguise as the "unpopular guys"
You're both perfectly normal to us
These are two confident go getters, using a certain performative touch
Against two guys who are literally too nervous to talk on a bus

[Marlo]
Wanna know how we did in L.A.? Let me find the right words
We fit in in Cali like MarvWon would fit in...my shirt

[Shuffle T]
Lush took us to the hotel but we had to wait until some of the rooms were cleared

[Marlo]
So for killing the time he thought he'd take us out to the hood for beers

[Shuffle T]
We were shaky as fuck thinking, "Jesus man, someone could shoot us here."

[Marlo]
Until we finally left cause Lush had a meeting discussing a few ideas

[Shuffle T]
We thought while he's doing that we'll go around for a couple of souvenirs
Instead we somehow end up in this meeting with Alki David and some of his junior steers
We'd gone from the hood to a billionaire's office with Lush and his group of peers
Thinking, "Jesus Christ, what in the name of fuck are we doing here?"

[Marlo]
This is real shit, you can ask Lush
We were driving around town I was thinking, "We are not a part of the counts in his pan."
I had half a toke of a blunt and was nearly passing out like a faggot
Then we're in Alki's office getting asked about and examined
Like, "Hang on a sec', I come from fucking Berkshire. How did this happen?"
See you are not nerds cause we are not as cool as anyone in this room

[Shuffle T]
Let's put that into perspective

[Both]
Charron is in this room

[Round 3: Kid Twist]
See, after you dissed his kid you had to keep saying, "Naaaah"
So we wouldn't mistake you for the coldest spitters
That's why you use parody gun bars cause in reality you're scared to pull the trigger
And you guys might not get this cause I'm about to reference some Brit TV
But we are Canadian Misfits cause we get superpowers from the crowd's electricity

[Knamelis]
See that's the thing, cause your Bad Bars are bad bad bars
Cause they're actually kind of rad
But then your good bars are bad good bars cause they're actually kind of bad
So it's just your timing is bad

[Kid Twist]
You should get good at knowing your part
We've got bars that are good and bad

[Knamelis]
At the same time

[Kid Twist]
We call them Schrodinger's bars

[Knamelis]
It's like, I'm way too comfortable with the tool out, that's a handyman
I split his sweet potato for the syrup, that's a candigam
I bring it to your desk, with work, like a Candigram
And pull out and start shooting when you least expect it, that's a Candid Cam'

[Kid Twist]
I got something to push your wig back, smooth, that's some Dapper Dan

[Knamelis]
I pull strings to get you rocked for the Cream like it's Clapton's band

[Kid Twist]
These bitches feel it in their chest when I squeeze, that's a mammogram

[Knamelis]
Boy I let the Llama blam like an anagram for Bamalam

[Kid Twist]
See we're street next to you cause your battles are mandated to feel like man dates

[Knamelis]
So thanks for your fan base but you've just shown us your British shit just doesn't translate

[Kid Twist]
Cause you haven't adopted the culture you've co-opted

[Knamelis]
You're tourists, it's so obvious, you're window shopping, we're opposite

[Kid Twist]
We're like a paradox

[Knamelis]
That's the place where the deep thoughts exists

[Kid Twist]
They're like, "a pair of docks?"

[Knamelis]
"That's where pops keeps his boats locked up at those cottages."

[Kid Twist]
But you give that common people song a sequel
Cause you act poor like it's loads of fun
You're like my rap partners, you used to be Rich now you're some random local bum

[Knamelis]
What the fuck? We didn't practice that line. What was that?
Hug Life baby

[Kid Twist]
Started from the upper class now they're here
In a flat so filthy girls tell you they don't want fuck in here

[Knamelis]
And this year I bought a house
And you're right, I had a son to continue the legacy
This year you got a couch
Off the side of the road so you can some sleep

[Kid Twist]
Hey, remember when Wiz' and Scizzahz beat you?
For the title of DF's cheesiest act and Marlo was the Jesus of rap
He carried a wooden T on his back
But I bet you steal Shuffle's locks to rub upon your baldest spots and pray to a hair shrine
Cause your aging hairline plain/plane disappeared like an Asian airline

[Knamelis]
And me? I've never made a careful statement
Like when I came to your country and said that shit to Eur'
I was prepared to take whatever people had to say to me
I stood there to face it
But much to my surprise there was nathan
And I'm paraphrasing but you told me you agreed with me, you were just scared to say it
So you're that kid hiding in the basement while his parents fought
Then snuck upstairs to tell dad, "I agree with you" but quietly because you're scared of moms
Well I'm that loudmouth getting kicked out of the class for trying the teacher
I said I'm that loudmouth getting kicked out of the league for trying to teach Eur'
And that weekend he was pretty pissed at me
But clearly the kid listened to me cause he's at this event, isn't he?

[Kid Twist]
I mean, you thought you'd bring a peace treaty and our league's beefing would end instantly
But white North American's and peace treaties

[Knamelis]
That's not such a great history

[Kid Twist]
You always say you go together like shit
But you go together like...

[K] Human Torch
[KT] And Aquaman
[K] Designer nerds
[KT] And comic sans
[K] Rioters
[KT] And soccer stands
Even your poshest fans find your voice just soft and bland
You make a hook sung by Aubrey Graham
[Knamelis] Sound like a round from Hollohan
But I'll leave this hometown crowd smoked out like it's Hush's house
Dutches got you feeling crippled there's no Crip Walk, get your crutches out
Battle rap is that one moment they talk about that hushes crowds
Why you think it's K.O.T.D.?

[Both]
Knockout it's that touchdown

[Kid Twist]
What? You thought we'd fumble going up with Shuffle T and Marlo?

[Knamelis]
I'd be more afraid of a fistfight with Carter Deems and Bartone

[Kid Twist]
We love you Carter Deems!

[Knamelis]
Bartone knows those cats