Joyce

You've clearly come to tell me
Something really quite unpleasant
I know that shifty look upon your face
If it's about the alimony
Then our lawyers should be present
No? You're telling me there's
Someone in my place
Do I know her?
Oh, I do?
Well, are you going
To tell me who?

Joyce?
So you're living with Joyce?
I'm a little bit fazed
No, I'm frankly amazed
That you've opted for Joyce
Joyce?
Well blow me, it's Joyce
Am I missing the plot?
Because really she's not
An obvious choice

So
Did it start long ago?
Though I'm out of your life
And no longer your wife
I would just like to know
But
Though the woman's a slut
If you love her I guess
I must wish you success
And keep my mouth shut
I shan't say a thing

Now I see the whole damn tawdry story
All spread out in Technicolor glory
Me? I thought that life was hunky-dory
Little did I know that this
Slippery sly-boots
Was planning on climbing into
My bed, my boots
Starting that summer when we all shared a villa
Did I have suspicions? No! Not a scintilla
Underneath the Tuscan sun she flirted
Ooh!
While my mind was otherwise diverted
How her efforts must have been concerted
Going off to look at old ruins together
She's a ruinous elf with a face of old leather
All the time pretending to be my chum
Oh my god! Was I dumb?

Joyce!
Well it's cuddly old Joyce
She's an excellent chef
But how can you be deaf
To the sound of her voice?
Joyce
Well she's hardly Rolls-Royce
And believe me I'm loath
To imagine you both
Getting sticky and moist
How
Could you fall for that cow?
You must take her to bed
With a bag on her head
Oh I'm sorry, meow!
Right
I'm resorting to spite
You and me had to end
And we want to stay friends
So let's not have a fight
I shan't say a thing!

How could such a friend of mine betray me?
That's what just continues to dismay me
Like a fish, she'd play me and she'd play me
Always popping 'round
And always being kindly
Of course I fell for it
Absolutely blindly
Dear old Joyce, so terribly willing
It's so bloody funny, it's absolutely killing!
What possessed me when I let that witch in?
Aaaaargh!
How'd I know that she would get her pitch in?
Sitting, nice and comfy, in my kitchen
"Oh, I'd love a cup of coffee
No I'll make it myself
I know you keep the mugs
On the second shelf
I know where you keep the sugar
I know where you keep the jug!"
All the time, I was the mug!

Joyce!
It really is choice!
Your new better half
I've just gotta laugh
And even rejoice
Joyce
I can scarcely convoyse
I'm feeling so ill
Give me a pill
Fetch me a noyse
What
Has she possibly got?
She looks like a hag
Who dresses in drag
And is married to Lot
Joyce
Her name is a coyse
In the whole univoyse
There's nobody woyse
Send for a hoyse
She dies tonight! Hahahahahaa!

Just in case you missed it, mister
I...
HATE...

(Spoken)
I can't even bring myself to mention her name! What, what did I say? Oh, for God's sake