Instant Glue

[Verse 1]
Well, I was browsing around the store one day
When I passed by this giant display
Advertising something called Instant Glue
"Bonds in seconds" said the label
"From the kitchen sink to the kitchen table
And most anything in between, we guarantee you"
So I picked up a tube, sounds like a miracle!
How did I ever get by without Instant Glue?

[Verse 2]
Well, I took that Instant Glue right home
And I waited till I was all alone
Then I got out that old broken cup to mend
I read the directions once again
It said "Pierce the top with a tiny pin"
But when I tried that, all the glue just shot out the other end
Yeah, just went all over my body
Got on me quicker than bald on a buzzard

[Verse 3]
Well, I jumped back and I tried to stand
But that cup was glued to my left hand
Just tucked there tighter than a cowboy full of beer
And about that time the telephone rang
And without a thought I just reached for the thing
And immediately glued the receiver to my left ear
And my right index finger to the dial
Yeah, stuck right there on the 3, and the call was a wrong number

[Verse 4]
Well, I said to myself: now look here, self
Maybe you should go find you some help
So I ripped the phone outta the wall and started cross the floor
I got to the doorway to go outside
But I stopped right there, as I tried and tried
To figure out some way to open the stupid door
As I saw, I only had two choices
So I chose the second: I used my nose

[Verse 5]
Well, my nose must've been a gooey glob
'Cause it stuck fast to that brass door knob
Leaving me there in a funny crouching stance
So there I was, in pain at the door
As my left shoe adhered to the floor
I said: Well, my right leg's still free, maybe I still have a chance
You know, soon as I had the thought come through my mind
Then the cat ran up to me from behind
Started lovin' around my leg and glued herself to my knee
Yeah, just stuck the furry little critter right to me
Friendly little booger, isn't she?

[Verse 6]
Well, picture this now, if you can
Here's a glimpse of the thoroughly modern man
With his nose to the brass and a passionate pussycat on his knee
And his left ear glued to the phone
His right index finger glued to the dial
His left leg glued to the floor
And in his left hand, stuck tighter than a $2 shirt, one broken cup

[Verse 7]
It seems I was stuck there for hours
Till this guy came by delivering flowers
And hearing my screams, he crawled into the window screen
He got the police and the fire department
And a bunch of nurses from a single's apartment
And together, they pried me loose from nearly everything I owned
Amid laughter, puns and one-liners
Things like "Stuck in the same old rat race?" Hehe...
"If the glue fits." Yeah, real funny...

[Verse 8]
Well, since my ordeal with Instant Glue
I guess I've learned me a thing or two
To take my time, if it's in my power
What works for you won't work for me
So I've taken up this philosophy
Not to get stuck in anything that takes less than 24 hours