Good Help Is Hard To Find

[Verse 1]
Well, I bought this house, a little framejob
With a picket fence and a view
And all it needed was a new roof
That leaked in a place or two
"How do you do?" – right out the blue
This old, toothless roofer came by
"Need a new roof?", he said to me
And he winked with a bloodshot eye
"Sure do!" said I, "how much will it cost?"
"About hum-hum-nyum", he said
"And when can you start?" "On num-nyum"
I said: fine, go ahead
Next day he came by with shingles and nails
And he was through in an hour or two
I gave him the cash and he gave me his number
And he faded back into the blue
That night I was watching the TV weather, it's gonna rain, they said
About that time four big drops hit me right on top of the head
Well, where's that number? I'll call that fool! He left me in a spot!
"I'm sorry, sir" said the operator, "but you dialed a vacant lot"

[Chorus]
Good help is hard to find
That's something you should always keep in mind
Just when you've got it all upfront, they'll get you from behind
Good help is hard to find

[Verse 2]
Well, I figured since I had a roofless house
I'll just buy me another!
That's why I went down to AFD Realty
Recommended by my ex-wife's brother
They had a salesman there in white, belt n' shoes
And an office in a mobile home
Sold me a cottage in a little valley
And even helped with the loan
I loved that place, little stone jobs
So naturally I moved right in
Setting was lovely: a lush green valley
With a big stone wall at the end
Then the army corp of engineers
Showed up at the door one day
They said: We came to tell you, sir
You better be moving away!
That thing you saw you thought was a wall
It's a dam we came to make
In about a month, you'll find this house
Will be at the bottom of a lake
Well, I rushed back to the realty place
And I figured out in the end
When all I found were the tire tracks
Where that mobile home had been

[Chorus]
Good help is hard to find
That's something you should always keep in mind
Just when you've got it all upfront, they'll get you from behind
Good help is hard to find

[Verse 3]
Now, I figured since things weren't going so well
I deserved a night out on the town
So I slicked up my hair and threw all my duds
And went down to this motel lounge
I was sittin' at the bar, wishin' eyes of stars
Sipping on a double, when
This tall ol' girl with long red dress
Came sort of floating in
Well, she winked at me and suddenly
It was Mardi Gras for my senses
I had thoughts of moonlight walks, sunsets and picket fences
"Gee, you're something special
Wish we'd get better acquainted", I said
Then she turned around and pulled off her wig
And said "Hi, my name is Fred!"

[Chorus]
Good help is hard to find
That's something you should always keep in mind
Just when you've got it all upfront, they'll get you from behind
Good help is hard to find [whistling]
Good help is hard to find