Illmaculate vs Carter Deems

[Intro: Organik]
Ayo King Of The Dot, put your money where your mouth is. Back to Baysics, Los Angeles. Make some noise y'all. We're getting into the secret battle for the event so I'll jump right into it. Battler to my right introduce yourself

[Carter Deems]
Hey guys I'm Carter Deems. I just want to like, if you don't mind, I wanna say something like, serious, like I took this battle like, I've been doing jokes and stuff but I took this battle absolutely serious. And before we get started I wanted to say two things. Uh, first is um, I took this as serious as I could, you know and I promise that I'm not gonna forget any lines, I'm not gonna stumble. I'm not gonna choke. The second thing I wanted to say is um, um...the second thing I wanted to say is um.................
The second thing I wanted to say is good luck Immaculate

[Organik]
All the way from Portland, battler to my left introduce yourself

[Illmaculate]
Yo, it's Illmaculate, make some noise y'all. Now I don't usually do this but I just want to make a couple shout outs like on some real shit. Um, shout out Jonathan, Thaddeus Von Hammerschmidt III, Jamiroquai, 2Pac, B.E.N.E.F.I.T., Wilma, Mrs. Boots and uh, I know I'm slipping on some of their names but all of Carter Deems' cats. Make some noise

[Round 1: Carter Deems]
Sometimes it looks like you have a beard
And sometimes it doesn't
Sometimes I have fun at family reunions
Sometimes I fight my cousin
This dude will get sonned/sunned like the light above him
When I spit truth in my verses but I'm not Bible thumping
Get big like Michael Duncan
When I send his body flying through the air like Michael dunking
Looking like Mike Tyson punched him
When it comes to Starbucks I hate the coffee but I like the muffins
Real rap
Real rap, Illmac...what the heck am I doing here?
I'm about to get bodied so hard you should give me a firm chest bump as a souvenir
A penny for my thoughts? Well I put my two cents here
Your sideburns are too sincere
I'm about to poop in here
{Battle gets side tracked due to the sounds of fighting on the roof that broke out between Dizaster and Billy Boondocks}
Carter on point for the bucks, it's like I'm about to shoot a deer
There's a lizard that lives in my couch, that's why I move in fear
My favorite color is blue this year and everything I do is weird
You wanna face me here well it's gonna get nasty like Rick Rubin's beard
I try to fit in at parties and say stuff like, "Hey guys you wanna do some beer?"
I let a cat live in my desk at work and now I need a new career
I'm 'bout to catch a body, it's like I'm about to do a cheer
In my shower you can catch me with a loofah near
I'm 'bout to stretch him out, get loose in here
Cause when the hands go, it's Van Gogh, you lose an ear (losin' here)
I'm taking over, hopping in the driver's seat, you'll see defeat/the feet
I use my shoes to steer
I don't care if you keep the Ruger near or if you have your shooters here
You could've come armed with an army and I'll still take your tanks down like scuba gear
I should've brought my tuba here
Hit him in the mouth with that brass, now he need new veneers
I feel really stupid here
Still I bring bar after bar after bar for Ill', you gonna see hot rounds
I'm 'bout to cook soup up here
When Carter hop on stage his dead jokes come to life
You think I'm gassed up? Well watch the crowed get ripe when I start to cook like an oven light
Gilmore Girl's poster, that's what I hug at night
You didn't think my name would spread but now I'm on a roll like a butter knife
2% milk? That's all I drink, that's something light
Florescent bulbs? Those are some thin lights
We about to have fun tonight but this dude bit off more than he chew; that's an under bite
I'm not going to run tonight, to be honest I expected a tougher fight
Cause when he spit, it's just like he's starving for attention; that's a hunger strike
This is a weirder match up than the other guys
I'll walk into a Long John Silver's and make the money fly
I can use all the support I get, shout out to my upper thighs
I'm pretty sure I forgot a couple rhymes but I'll just wing it like a butterfly
If you pop up you gon' see that toast, I'll let that butter fly
Time

[Round 1: Illmaculate]
Alright ch'all
You know his name, from Copenhagen to the Golden State
It's Deems
No other battle rapper could know his pain
Let alone hold the weight on his shoulder blades
So here's how it's gonna go today
From here on every line I use on him is a used condom
That's DNA throwaways, let's go!
I guarantee he'll be like
{Illmaculate does a Carter Deems impression}
"Ayo"

[Carter Deems]
That doesn't sound like me

[Illmaculate] {Still using his Carter Deems impersonation}
"It kinda does
You can't see Deems when I travel
And it's ironic that I love cats cause you the one that's gonna flee/flea from this battle"
Alright, change of scenes
His name is Deems, rugged as the Marlboro Man
But yet sensitive as Maybelline facial cream
He's every ladies dream
You think Drake can sing?
Psst, his voice is like angel wings and halo rings
I'm sorry if I'm on a tangent I get distracted doing addition
That's A.D.D
When I think Carter I think downpours and the crown yours
Your raining/reigning king
I mean, that's how this match-up came to be
Lux wanted a 100K, KOTD wouldn't pay the fee
So naturally the next thing that came to me was Carter
Plus he only charged 'em....80 G's
A Pay Per View percentage, an ATV
Three music videos, OVO made 'em free
A beat tape by [?]
And a cat playground as a place to breed that's safe from fleas
Okay, that's real shit, that's facts
True story, that's true story
I heard Carter sells rocks
He got homies surrounded by cell blocks
FEDS got his phone tapped, so he gotta get his cell blocked
Shit, I heard he really run the town
He literally cells blocks
Psst, that's stupid
Plus, T-Pain watch his battles with pom poms, lighting L's
I heard he got chron' for clientele
He buys and sells
You be eyeballing grams like, "Your mom's mom is fine as hell!"
Well, when this shit drop
I know, they'll probably think this is Sak's Fifth to a thrift shop
I mean as soon as I spit he'll rebuttal my shit, watch
He'll even rebuttal my rebuttals...sick, stop
Aye Anygma, he freestyles so amazingly
I must be the Malaysian Lee, how I'll get my flips topped
Cart's skill at doing cartwheels, I'd even get my flips topped
There should be another bar here but I can't think of another way flip top
So c'mon, how do you battle a mixture of God's trinity
The Star Wars lost trilogy, John Kennedy, Dom's infantry
I almost bought a cat to give you props literally
And I hope you win cause life is all about the small victories
Time

[Round 2: Carter Deems]
I own a microwave that's the same color as a microwave
That's the same color as light blue
But I don't use it anymore cause it electrocuted me and the light's blew
I went to your Facebook page and liked it just so I could go back and unlike you
You wanna fight dude?
Well I'll split his wig like Dwight Schrute
When I bring the heat like Tai food
His face is what I'll punch right through when I bring this right through
He's light like the sun so I'll son this knight dude like high noon
I had my share of tough times too
I had a ponytail in high school
I rocked the snap back with a hole in the back
And I put my ponytail right through
But I thought it was tight dude
Hairspray and a scrunchie I kept it tight dude
Watch season 5 of Reba, that's what I do
Start twitching when I get around girls, that's what my eye do
But I'm so dedicated to the block
Two years ago I looked the streets in the eye and said, "I do"
How many lamps do I own? Ten, that's five twos
I hope you hit a growth spurt and get to 5'2"
Seven is my favorite number in the world but I kinda like five too
You can't handle my thighs dude
This heat going straight over his head, that's how the crow fly
Nah, this heat going straight over his head, that's a blow dry
I'm so high, I always wanted to meet you so..."hi"
I know I'm one of the old guys but I'm one of the up and comers like Gjonaj
I'm so fly that I took this battle on one week Prep
And I'm not talking about the gun rapper with a bow tie
No lie
Smack, I should be the one that's headlining NOME 5
No but for real, for real, but this dude's pretty awesome too, for real...

{Gives Illmaculate a high 5}

I've always wanted to give a gnome 5

{Crowd absolutely loses its shit}

[Illmaculate]
It's over. It's over

[Carter Deems]
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about that

I've already hit him in the head with ten punches and I owe him five
If you said my cat was four years old he'd look up at you and say, "No I'm five"
You better stop Carter before I go too far today
I cut fiber out of my diet, I'm down to two farts a day
You think Carter play?
Well I love the streets, I'm with that brass, I harp parades
This dude has the same body type of somebody who should be guarding a garden maze
But for real, my entire life is just one awkward phase
You spent one night in jail well I got bars for days
Time

[Round 2: Illmaculate]
It's already over. It's already over. I...that was some good shit

He's got 13 cats, 13, and he gives 'em all people names
So his friends get confused but he don't think it's strange
He be like, "Hey man, are you coming in to Steven's games?"
"Steven is your brother?"
"Uh, Steven is the Siamese and tomorrow we're playing keep away."
"I put this corn in a bag...Frito Lay"
Carter keeps arms around him in the streets these days
That's PDA
You'll get ripped off the cuff like your jeans are frayed
It's in your bloodline to be scared, yeah, your gene's afraid
I mean...back to the 17 cats
He remembers all their birthdays
Even assigns them personality quirks that weren't there in the first place
He be like, "That's Mrs. Boots...she's a little moody on Thursdays
Between us girls, someone's having a bad fur day."
There's more Carter than what meets the top layer
You're looking at a top notch neighbor, golf trainer, scotch drinking
Yacht sailor, squash player
So point out anyone you call "hater"
And I'll make that bitch sit down, I'm a dog trainer
I'll tell 'em they suck forever like a Jawbreaker
Cock flavored
Flawed nature but God's greater
I do this for scratch without the cross fader
Yo, you know how this match looks on paper?
Like Swamp Gator versus blond skater
Darth Vader versus park ranger
Don Draper vers' John Mayer
That's a compliment, his songs...BANGERS
I mean, you look like you've never used a Mach razor and you're going to prom later
Also a compliment, you age well
Yo, truth be told he took this as a small favor
I only took this to make our bond greater like a stock trader
So, what do y'all think when you see Carter Deems?
Harvard steez? Art degrees?
No, he harvest p's, commits larcenies
And I'm pretty sure his baby picture was the cover of Carter 3
But look, we got some things in common Carter
See, we're both pussy lovers
Most battle rappers style...is cookie cutter
My mom was bleeding while baking, somehow a cookie cut her
I'm only jealous cause Joe partnered with Cutter
What you want? A cookie Carter?
Motherfucker, if I did have a cat, I'd be better at that
I'd pet mine smoother, wouldn't get mine neutered
His cats are used to being fed light tuna, psst, I fed mine grouper
Yo, I heard in high school he was a celeb like Bueller
But ten times cooler
He would show up in that Lex like Luther
Get to class, turn the desk chair around and sit behind the desk like "booya!"
Soon as the bell rang, he became a sex life tutor, but he was 10 times cooler
Shit, yearbook voted him, most likely to pass away, Death By Cougar
No diss, I salute you like red, white, blue, you're the westside ruler
Not even a sidekick that read my future
Could've predicted little Illmac' vers' Head I.C.E. Jr

[Round 3: Carter Deems]
You must've written those lines in a hotel
Cause all you got is mini bars
Carter Deems got two mini bars
In my left pocket, that's where two pennies are
He's so gassed up when he farts it sounds exactly like a indy car
My gun's so mature, he wears khaki pants and listens to NPR
My gun's so mature he works for a marketing firm, in PR
By now, everybody knows that 'Mac can spit it
But he's like one of the classiest dudes in battle rap
He can easily school me like academics
Ummm....one week prep...sorry
Look, I'm tired of being humble in battle rap, I only want to rap a minute
So I come back...oh my gosh, I've never done this before...

{Crowd starts cheering for Carter}

For real, I'm about to hit him with them steel bars
I don't steal bars, but my bars got punches that hit real hard
Nah, I'm just kidding, I can't write those kind of lines about dude that got somebody that got those REAL bars
.........
You can catch me going 90 in the rental
Not worried about the incidentals
Still I get live like Jimmy Kimmel
You think I'm soft well I come back the harder way like when Penny dribble
The heat on, I put this beat on, I'm not talking about an instrumental
I Double Dare you if you got the guts, I'm a legend at hitting temples
I would never hit you in the temples
I just put that in cause it fit in the scheme with shows from Nickelodeon
I tried to fit in Keenan and Kel, All That but I couldn't to figure it out
Have to throw 'em in
And I don't even watch Jimmy Kimmel
If he walked in the door right now I wouldn't even know it's him
And I'm not hard at all, the biggest fears in my life are gluten and too much sodium
Just kidding, I'm HARD AS HECK!
I'm hard as heck
I got small rounds on big rounds, that's a pepperoni pizza, boy
And I deliver that heat to your front door like a pizza boy
Last week The Source said I'm the best rapper in the world and I know Pete's your boy
Okay, he didn't say that at all, I'm getting really nervous right now
So if you smell any pee, it's your boy
Just kidding, I'm not nervous at all
So you can disregard that pee and poopy smell
I'm going old school like Soupy Sales
Cause I'm back on point like King Koopa shell
You're not back on point, you're like a beluga whale
(Beluga whales don't have any points on their back)
Yo, I hope this nerd brought his pocket protector cause I'm going for his wallet next
I'll rob this tiny miniature person, that's a Polly Pocket check
All I do is pocket checks
And I know y'all don't like pocket checks but money in my pocket? Check
I got so many pocket checks that even my pocket checks got pocket checks
And if I pocket check these pocket checks
These pocket checks have more pocket checks
But now it's time to put 'em away
I put these pocket checks back in these pocket checks
Then I pocket checks, then I pocket these checks in my pocket
Check
I knew it was a terrible idea to take this battle
I could feel a change up in my intuition
Still I hit him with punch after punch
That's a change up into his chin
You'll feel worse than when I had to get a student loan cause of a change up in tuition
Every time I walk by a fountain I throw some change up, I'm in to wishing
I'm about to start cooking like bouillon
Get hotter than Tucson, your futon is what I put my foot on when I poop on
I know I'm new on, but the kid about to flip hair like Jimmy Neutron
Look, Ill' need to cut it out like coupon
Eating sweet treats that's all my Coupe on
What I mean is my car eats nothing but Captain Crunch cause the roof gone
Punch after punch, I'm about to get my fight on
Left hook, then I throw a right on, right on
I have him walking funny like Monty Python
I don't care if 'Mac brought the mac
Mac is what I put my nine on
I shouldn't have worn this mask, I think I'm allergic to nylon
For real, blow after blow, I hit him with another punch if 'Mac is in it
I pull...no for real I should've brought a mask that was hypoallergenic
That's all I got
Time!

[Round 3: Illmaculate]
Yo, he said one of his biggest fears was sodium
He said, "I get nervous when I try to direct message you on Twitter."
I said, "So. DM."
(That's so bad)
Alright look, I can't fuck with Carter cause his reps too street
You should just be happy that I let you eat
I mean, after this paycheck his cats will have wet food treats for the next two weeks
I bet your home is a mess
Get control of your pets
As a feminist, Carter thinks strip clubs are as low as it gets
And won't even look the Hooter's waitress in the eyes as a show of respect
I mean, on the bright side though
His pets gave him closure when he was rejected by the label owner
Cause you have the appeal of a sex tape from Oprah
And the physique of a wet table coaster
But lets be honest, you wouldn't have shit on me, in your pull up days
You look like you're fresh out your mullet phase
Should've shave, you've got the swag
Of an Umbro fanny pack full of AIDS
Your computer? A wack PC
I hope the user...contracts VD
I mean, have you heard his last EP?
Stuart from MadTV?
Yo, it's an understatement to say your ugly face is not photogenic
As a kid, when your parents bought picture frames
They prolly kept the stock photo's in it
Aye, fuck the bullshit, y'all wanna hear some real bars?!
Cool, cause this is the last stand
I mean, look at what blood's sport in the ring, I'm Van Damne
I pull up in a black Phantom, put the beats on him, I'm a rap fan
I'll smoke him like afghan wax grams
You wouldn't see this pussy pop in a lap dance
Every time you rap fam', I think cat hands
Paws/pause
But just in case you're not certain
It's a scientific fact that a cat owner is a lot worse than a dog person
It's science
I mean, these are the known facts
It's a cold stat
51% of serial rapists know or have known someone that owns cats
Look it up
Yo, I guess that shit should've been a warning
Cause Carter was arrested on suspicion of being part of a kidding porn ring
Slow it down! I said kitty porn ring!
He practices every day every chance he gets to
Even battling his cats like, "Slow it down I just hissed you!"
Copy that
I bet you shit in the same litter box they potty at
And prolly act like you're in a relationship with the mommy cat
Like, "I made you this nice origami hat. How come you never call me back?"
You should see the work this cat put in
He says, there's not a girl that could do for him what a cat couldn't
He be strutting through the neighborhood
Fuck around and get your cat tooken
Shit, his new name should be Bruce Wane cause he got a Cat Woman
That's bars
But truth be told it's sad cause he broke up with the Siamese and now he' on the rebound
I'm a fan of your weak style so giving you this ass whooping hurts me, ow/meow
At Petco, real-this a true story
At Petco, they got his face on wanted posters
For spray painting, "Cat's Rule" all over the dog enclosures
Yo, I knew you were a worthy match
But when I heard you were a cat burglar
I figured it was purses, cash or artwork you snatched
But no, he's a cat burglar, he burgles cats
Alright, I don't know if you heard his raps but his tracks are tight
I mean, Carter be remixing classics like...
Way back when I had the red and black lumberjack with the cat to match
Whatever happened to catching a good old fashioned passionate ass whooping?
Getting your shoes, coat and cat tooken
Cats rule everything around me, get the money
(DOLLAR DOLLAR BILLS Y'ALL!)
I said...
"Cats rule everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. with the honey
Gotta lot of milk y'all!
But look, all that shit aside, I got a serious question
Be honest, and you'll win a prize
Do you jerk off?
Do you?

[Carter Deems]
Yes

[Illmaculate]
Ill advised, every time you jerk off a kitten dies
And you've practically committed genocide