I Hate My Roommate

[Intro, Whitney Peyton and Ileigha Kohoutek]

*Phone rings*
Hello?

Heeey Whit! So, I know you're all working late, but on your way home if you could get me some milk, uhm, some cream for my coffee... I like 2% milk if you can get hold that's fine but I actually like soy that would be great. I also need some condoms, if you could just do that for me that would be so awesome. Thanks so much, byeee

Da fuck?

[Verse 1]
Listen, every day I wake up I wish
I missed your ad on Craigslist
Now I'm stuck with you and your boyfriend too
Bitch, don't make me get violent
Where are my leftovers?
I put them in the fridge last night (Da fuck)
Next to the milk on the shelf by the right
Then I woke up late with an appetite
To find - you ate that shit?
Partyfowl
So I dumped all your Bacardi out
All you do is drink
And you never clean
And you never even try to take the garbage out
I think our neighbours hate us
And I know why
You had a party last night, and then threw up outside (Ew)

[Chorus]
Dear Roomie
I really hate your guts
You leave a bunch of shit around
And never pick it up
And your boyfriend, boyfriend
I won't even pretend
That I like that guy
He eats my food and doesn't pay the rent (Fuck that)

[Bridge]
(Mo-mo-move out) Move out!
(Mo-mo-move out) You gotta go!
(Mo-mo-move out) Leave!
(Mo-mo-move out) Bitch, please

[Verse 2]
In my room tryna study for a test
But I can't really do it 'cause
You're fucking having sex so loud
And the landlord sent me twenty texts, I
Wrote a check but you didn't pay the rent, bitch
Ugh, I'mma choke you!
When the lease ends, we are so through
Take your man, take the cat, take the car and the ugly ass couch
That shit gotta go too
Ugh, you're in the bathroom - like all the time
Taking fifty selfies, bitch
You really ain't that fine
I gotta pee
Come on
Yo, I really gotta go
Don't you have a job?
Okay, I'mma write a note
There's something you gotta know

[Chorus]
Dear Roomie
I really hate your guts
You leave a bunch of shit around
And never pick it up
And your boyfriend, boyfriend
I won't even pretend
That I like that guy
He eats my food and doesn't pay the rent (Fuck that)

[Bridge]
(Mo-mo-move out) Move out!
(Mo-mo-move out) You gotta go!
(Mo-mo-move out) Leave!
(Mo-mo-move out) Bitch, please

[Spoken Whitney Peyton and Ileigha Kohoutek]
Look at this, this place looks horrible
Ugh, are you kidding me?
Fucking trash everywhere. Is that a...
Shut the fuck up, you don't even know
Is that a condom? Is that a used condom in the fucking bathtub?
No it's not. It's probably from you last night
Who the fuck has sex in the bathtub? You're 25!
No, you don't even know what you're talking about. Shut up
We all use this bathroom. This is not your personal bathroom, all right? I have to shower in this shower
Don't even start with me, girlfriend
I have to shower in this shower
You don't even understand right now, okay

[Chorus]
Dear Roomie
I really hate your guts
You leave a bunch of shit around
And never pick it up
And your boyfriend, boyfriend
I won't even pretend
That I like that guy
He eats my food and doesn't pay the rent (Fuck that)

[Bridge]
(Mo-mo-move out) Move out!
(Mo-mo-move out) You gotta go!
(Mo-mo-move out) Leave!
(Mo-mo-move out) Bitch, please

[Outro, Zack Hansen]
Hey, are you guys fighting?
Do you know where the hot Cheetos are?
No? Okay