I Always Thought I Would Be Okay

I tried to capture my emotions on paper and I was told that I was misdirected
But maybe my mindset has just been infected by this pain-infested reappropriation
Of the comfort I've developed with negligence

'Cause part of my heart followed me when I finally moved out
But I still feel most connected to it when I go back home
She's now just a three-year memory of being addicted to caffeine
And praying I could tell her all the things I'd planned on saying

And the coffee stains in my journal are a reminder of when I pushed myself into depression
It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken

And the most sense I can make of this world
Has slowly transformed itself from being ink in my pen
To being the pain in my heart and my head
And I never to meant to write words
That would make people feel like crying
I just never wanted to write a single word where I was lying

And I have slowly tapped the brakes on working
And pushed my foot down on letting go
And somehow, I still don't know if this method is even working
I just pray that people can find hope in the stories that I'm telling

'Cause the things that got me focused on hope
Were her smile and that beautiful California weather
But now that the winter storms have had their way with my sunshine
I feel like I don't have anything left
I feel like I can't believe in power without that intoxicating reminder
That this could all be another thing I'm believing
Just because I'm sick of feeling empty and alone

Or maybe, I'm just once again resorting to my pathetic need
To overthink just to feel like anything real is happening
And having to cover every base without any blind faith
Just so I can know that I'm not acting out of my impulse to do things to benefit me
And me only

But then out of nowhere
When I finally feel at peace and make sense of all these things
It's in that moment that I miss everybody who ever loved me

But somehow, the weather feels more sunny
And the water in this river keeping my mind watered is finally running
And flowing, and livestock is growing
My heart is showing, my heart is glowing
So why do I feel so lonely?
Maybe because the words I put on paper
Are not filling up my heart and it's still empty

And darling, I promise I meant it when I said I wanted you to be happy
I just didn't want you to be happier than me
But I guess I'm just not that lucky

And this pain may not be escaping, and I may still be hurting
But that's okay, because at least I'm living
And I can see that someday it will be ending
Even if it's not today, I know I'll be set free
So forgive me, I'm usually much more encouraging
But until then, just promise me you won't leave
'Cause my heart may feel empty
But every time I tell myself I'm alone
I know that I'm just lying
'Cause even though my heart feels empty
The walls hold photos of beautiful memories

And if I hurt so bad now
I guess it's just a friendly reminder that I'm still breathing
And she may not still be next to me
But this hurt cuts deep and still remembers to visit me
So heartache, thank you for still believing in me
You're not a problem; you're my sanity
And I love you for it