How Can You Tell an American?

[IRVING, spoken]
It's a predicament, I admit. But what I'm really concerned about is your own character. I want people to like you, and in order to like you they have to understand you. You began as a young fellow with a perfectly fantastic dislike for orders. But how does that fit in with your sudden attack on civic corruption?

[BROM, spoken]
Ah, I was thinking about it myself. One of those last-minute résumés before you're about to die, you know? And it occurred to me—don't laugh at this—that maybe I was the first American.

[IRVING, spoken]
The first American?

[BROM, spoken]
Yes, yes, the beginning of a national type! A pеrson with a really fantastic and inexcusable avеrsion to taking orders, coupled with a complete abhorrence for governmental corruption, and an utter incapacity for doing anything about it.

[IRVING]
How can you tell an American?
Has he any distinguishing flavor?
Could you spot him on an elephant in Turkestan
Or floating on a raft fifty miles at sea
As you know a single leaf from the sassafras tree
By its characteristic savor?

[BROM]
It isn't that he's short or tall
It isn't that he's round or flat
It isn't that he's civilized or aboriginal
Nor the head size of his hat
No, it's just that he hates and eternally despises
The policeman on his beat, and the judge at his assizes

[IRVING]
The sheriff with his warrants and the bureaucratic crew

[BROM]
For the sole and simple reason that they tell him what to do

[IRVING]
And he insists on eating, he insists on drinking
He insists on reading, he insists on thinking
Free of governmental snooping or a governmental plan
And that's an American!

[BROM]
How can you tell an American?
Has he any distinguishing notion?
There's something in the essence of a good Champagne
That makes you certain sure you're not imbibing rain
And you won't succeed in growing an American man
On the opposite side of an ocean

[IRVING]
It isn't that he's good or bad
It isn't that he's gay or grim
It's only that authority repels him as a lad
And never goes down with him
Yes, it's just that he hates both the guts and the faces
Of the people who can order him
And put him through his paces

[BROM]
The assessor with his taxes or the colonel at review

[IRVING]
Or any fool official who can tell him what to do

[BROM]
And he won't go to heaven and he won't got to hell

[IRVING]
And he will not buy and he will not sell

[IRVING & BROM]
According to the precepts of a governmental plan
And that's an American!

[IRVING, BROM]
How can you tell an American
How can you tell an American
When it comes right down to cases?
When it comes right down to cases?
Is there any one virtue or particular vice
Is there any one virtue or particular vice
Like a Scotchman's whiskey or a Chinaman's rice
Like a Scotchman's whiskey or a Chinaman's rice
Or a Gypsy's addiction to the moving van
Or a Gypsy's addiction to the moving van
That marks him among the races?
That marks him among the races?

[IRVING]
It isn't that he's black or white

[BROM]
It isn't that he works with tools

[IRVING & BROM]
It's only that it takes away his appetite
To live by a book of rules
Yes, it's just that he hates and he damns all the features
Of any mortal man set above his fellow creatures

[BROM]
And he'll hate the undertaker when at last he dies
If he hears a note of arrogance above him where he lies

[IRVING]
He does his own living

[BROM]
He does his own dying

[IRVING]
Does his loving

[BROM]
Does his hating

[IRVING]
Does his multiplying

[IRVING & BROM]
Without the supervision of a governmental plan
And that's an American!