Hot Fuzz: Part 3

EXT. GEORGE MERCHANT’S HOUSE – MORNING
DR. HATCHER
Nasty way to go.
The Sandford Police survey the smoking black husk of Merchant’s house.
His twisted and burnt cadaver is covered up by DR. HATCHER. Paramedics carry him off on a gurney.
DR. HATCHER (CONT’D)
Seems Mr. Merchant tried to have a little fry up and left the gas on. They say you shouldn’t eat late at night.
DORIS THATCHER
I dunno. I like a little midnight gobble.
THATCHER and WALKER laugh at this. WALKER mumbles ’Cocks’.
FISHER
So what do we reckon? Angel?
FISHER looks to a spectacularly groggy ANGEL and DANNY.
ANGEL
Yes?
FISHER
Help me.
ANGEL
We should set up a proper cordon, keep people back, let the fire crew finish and get the forensics to do a thorough sweep.
FISHER
Right. What he said.
ANGEL spots a crew of workmen on the periphery, waiting to clear the scene.
TIM MESSENGER appears, notebook in hand.
MESSENGER
Sergeant, a quick word? ANGEL Mr. Messenger, please. A statement will be issued shortly.
MESSENGER
Actually I just wanted to find out, ’What’s your perfect Sunday’?
FISHER
I’ll deal with the press Sergeant. Now, my perfect Sunday would begin –
FISHER leads MESSENGER away. ANGEL sees SIMON SKINNER amongst a crowd of onlookers. SKINNER waves ’hello’.
WAINWRIGHT
What you thinking? Foul play?
ANGEL
Maybe.
WAINWRIGHT
We’re just waiting to speak to the last people to see Mr Merchant alive, namely Sergeant Knickerless Asswipe and Constable Fanny Butterdog.
DANNY
That’s us.
The ANDES collapse with into sniggers.
ANGEL
Why is this such a big joke to you? Three people have died in less than a week.
WAINWRIGHT
Oh come on Dr. Sherlock, they were accidents.
CARTWRIGHT
People have accidents everyday.
ANGEL
But the victims knew each other.
CARTWRIGHT
Everyone knows everyone round ’ere.
WAINWEIGHT
Yeah. If you didn’t see anything suspicious, then who did?
INT. STATION/CCTV OFFICE - DAY
TOM WEAVER spools through footage on his CCTV monitors. ANGEL, DANNY, FRANK and the ANDES look on.
WEAVER
Bit of a blind spot I’m afraid. We’re not that well covered around George Merchant’s. We only get the very edge of the explosion.
FRANK
Nasty way to go.
WEAVER
One thing that did catch my eye.
ANGEL
What’s that?
They see CCTV footage of the SWAN waddling past Merchant’s house.
WEAVER
Sandford's most wanted.

WAINWRIGHT
Ah, there you go. It was the Swan all along.
ANGEL
This is not funny Detective!
CARTWRIGHT
Oh give over Miss Marples.
WAINWRIGHT
Let us do our job and you do yours.
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, haven’t you got a church fete to look after?
ANGEL
No, I have not!
FRANK
Actually…
EXT. CHURCH FETE - DAY
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Testing. Testing. Someone's in for a surprise at 3:00, ladies and gentlemen.It's the raffle with a very special guest presenter.

A bored ANGEL patrols at a bustling fete. We see impressive floral displays and banners reading ’SAVE THE CHURCH ROOF’ and promoting Sandford for ’VILLAGE OF THE YEAR’. ANGEL slumps into a nearby chair and surveys the fete. He sees a child messily eating a ice lolly. He looks up to see the father, SGT. FISHER doing the same. He sees DORIS THATCHER standing with two burly men, giggling at a pig being spit roasted.
DORIS
That's me after a couple of pints.

He sees WALKER feed candy floss to SAXON. BONG. A bell rings as LURCH plays a ’TEST YOUR STRENGTH’ game. SKINNER lurks nearby, manning a ’BASH THE RAT’ stall and staring into the distance. Thunder rumbles. ANGEL follows his gaze over to TIM MESSENGER having an animated discussion with LESLIE TILLER, the florist...
CARTWRIGHT (O.S.)
Shark!
ANGEL jumps. The ANDES appear, clutching cans of Cider.
WAINWRIGHT
Seen any murderings Nicholarse? FRANK and DANNY approach dressed in wild west gear.
FRANK
Come on now boys. Leave Sergeant Angel alone, he’s working.
WAINWRIGHT
Sorry Chief, won’t waste anymore police time.
The ANDES slope off, swigging their cider.
FRANK
Actually Nicholas. You may as well have a break.
DANNY
Great. I’ve got something to show you.
ANGEL follows DANNY through the crowd until they come to a stop at an AIR RIFLE RANGE, run by a smiling DR. HATCHER.
ANGEL
This is a rifle range.
DANNY
You’ll be really good at it.
HATCHER
Three cans wins you a squeaky bunny, five gets you a floppy lion. Take out all the little people, you get to waltz off with the cuddly monkey.
ANGEL
I thought I made it clear to you how I felt about guns.
DANNY
It’s only an air rifle.
ANGEL
No Danny.
DANNY
It is for a cuddly monkey.
ANGEL grudgingly takes an air rifle. DANNY smiles expectantly. ANGEL fires, hitting every can dead centre with amazing speed. He lowers the rifle, feeling excited and unclean at once. The ANDES watch, swigging their cider.
DR. HATCHER
Good lord.
ANGEL hands the rifle to an awed DANNY, who inspects it.
DANNY
That was amazing.
DANNY accidentally pulls the trigger. We hear an agonized yelp. DR. HATCHER drops on the floor clutching his leg.
EXT. FETE - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY walk away from the stall: ANGEL clutching the CUDDLY MONKEY, DANNY in shock. Behind a Saint John’s Ambulance team attend to DR. HATCHER, who’s in some pain.
DANNY
I can’t believe I shot someone.
ANGEL
He’s a doctor, he can deal with it.
DANNY
But I’ve never shot anyone before.
ANGEL
Believe me Constable. It’s not something you ever get used to.
DANNY
Yeah. Maybe we should go on the bouncy castle. Take our minds off it.
ANGEL spies SKINNER talking heatedly with TIM MESSENGER.
DANNY (cont’d)
What is it?
Thunder rumbles. Before ANGEL can answer...a breathless TIM MESSENGER appears, slamming into ANGEL.
TIM MESSENGER
Sergeant Angel, I need to talk to you about George Merchant. Alone. It might be less conspicuous if you don’t bring the monkey.
ANGEL
This man is a police officer, I’d thank you to treat him with more respect.
TIM MESSENGER
I was talking about that.
MESSENGER nods to ANGEL’s giant CUDDLY MONKEY.
ANGEL
Oh.
TIM MESSENGER
The churchyard. Ten minutes.
ANGEL watches MESSENGER scurry off, passing SIMON SKINNER.
SKINNER
Bash the rat?
REV. SHOOTER (TANNOY)
Could we have Sergeant Angel to the stage please?
ANGEL gives the CUDDLY MONKEY to DANNY and walks off.
EXT. FETE - DAY
A distracted ANGEL takes to a makeshift stage where the REV. SHOOTER stands with a tombola and a microphone.
REV. SHOOTER
Here to announce the winners is the newest addition to the Sandford Police Force.
ANGEL
(under breath} Police service.
REV. SHOOTER
Sergeant Nicholas Angel.
CARTWRIGHT
Prick.
WAINWRIGHT
Wanker.
ANGEL
Hello.
A buzz of feedback from the mic. ANGEL eyes the clock. It’s 3pm. The tombola spins... ...MESSENGER waits in the churchyard, looks at his watch. ...ANGEL picks a name from the tombola.
ANGEL (cont’d)
The first name is Simon Skinner.
ANNETTE ROPER
He’s in the loo!
REV. SHOOTER
Too much of Joyce’s lemonade perhaps.
Laughter from the crowd. Thunder rumbles... ...We see a BLACK GLOVED HAND on a church door handle... ...The tombola spins. ANGEL looks at the clock... ...We see BLACK BOOTS race up belfry steps... MESSENGER still waits. Sweat forms on his brow... ...ANGEL picks another name.
ANGEL
Tim Messenger.
REV. SHOOTER
Tim, your number’s up.
There’s much hub-bub. Thunder rumbles. Closer this time. ANGEL looks in the crowd frantically... ...Unseen a CLOAKED FIGURE steps onto the church roof... ...ANGEL jumps down off the makeshift stage. ...BLACK GLOVED HANDS push on a loose turret stone. ...TIM MESSENGER stands directly below... ...ANGEL strides through the crowd... ...The gloved hand presses on the turret. The stone cracks... ...ANGEL breaks into a run. He reaches the churchyard... ...The stone breaks away from the roof and falls down. ...ANGEL runs in the churchyard, sees Messenger…
TIM MESSENGER
Oh, there you are
SPLAT. The tip of the stone CRUSHES MESSENGER’S head! ANGEL jerks back in horror. TIM MESSENGER now looks utterly surreal, with an upside down cone where his head should be. The off duty police arrive on the scene, along with many of the NWA. SIMON SKINNER runs over from a chemical toilet.
FRANK
Keep back. There’s been a terrible accident!
There’s much hub-bub and murmurs of the word ’accident’ from the crowd. FISHER steps in, not having seen the body. FISHER What accident? (he sees it) Oh right. ANGEL grimaces, looks to the church roof and races off.
EXT. CHURCH STEPS/ROOF - CONTINUOUS
ANGEL runs up the church steps to the roof. He flings the door open and peers out. There’s no-one there. He comes back down to find all the off duty police waiting at the door, along with a troubled REV. SHOOTER.
FRANK
Nicholas, what is it?
ANGEL
Sir, I think all these deaths are linked. Tim Messenger was murdered.
REV. SHOOTER
Who could do something like this?
WAINWRIGHT
Maybe it was the swan.
CARTWRIGHT
Apparently they can break a man’s arm.
WAINWRIGHT
Or blow up a man’s house.
ANGEL Look…
FRANK
Whoa there Nicholas. Let me get this straight. Are you saying this is a crime scene?
ANGEL
Yes sir, I am.
FRANK
Very well. Detectives, start interviewing everyone who was at the fete. Sgt Fisher, secure the area, PC Thatcher, get the CSI down here. PC Walker patrol the churchyard with Saxon. Nicholas, Danny...you know what to do.
EXT. CHURCHYARD - NIGHT
ANGEL and DANNY sit in the rain at the crime scene. DANNY still wears his cowboy outfit and clutches the MONKEY.
DANNY
Do you really think this is murder?
ANGEL
I just don’t think we should rule it out.
DANNY
Yeah. I think you’re right.
PC WALKER passes with SAXON.
WALKER
Ifinkyertarkinaloodashitt.
DANNY
He thinks you’re talking a load of shit. Swings and roundabouts innit? Pain in the arse
The ANDES wander past. ANGEL and DANNY get up and approach.
ANGEL
Did you find anything?
WAINWRIGHT
Yes I was extremely shocked when I looked at my watch and discovered the pubs were shut.
ANGEL
What about his house? Have you checked his office? Read his articles?
CARTWRIGHT
If you want to wade through every copy of the Sandford bloody Citizen, be our guest.
ANGEL
It’s your job isn’t it? Detect!
WAINWRIGHT
This isn’t the city, Mister Angel. Not everyone’s a murdering psychopath. High time you realised that. You and your monkey.
The ANDES walk off into the night. DANNY holds up the CUDDLY MONKEY.
DANNY
Did he mean me or that?
A furious ANGEL puts his head in his hands.
DANNY (cont’d)
Maybe we should go home.
ANGEL
What do you mean?
DANNY
Well, there’s nothing going on is there?
ANGEL
Have you listened to anything I’ve said Constable?
DANNY
What do you mean?
ANGEL
Has anything I’ve told you in the last few weeks got through that thick skull of yours?
DANNY
Yeah...
ANGEL
Oh really?
DANNY
You said I could be an amazing policeman officer.
ANGEL
There’s always something going on Danny and you’ll never be an amazing police officer until you understand that.
DANNY
I remembered something else you said.
ANGEL
And what was that?
DANNY
You don’t know how to switch off.
ANGEL stalks back to his stool and again guards the cordon. He sits alone in the rain, soaking to the skin.
INT. SWAN HOTEL CORRIDOR/BEDROOM - NIGHT
ANGEL approaches his door. He unlocks it and enters. On the bed is the sodden CUDDLY MONKEY and a card reading - ’This was left for you at reception. Regards Joyce’ ANGEL slumps into a chair, picks up the phone and dials..
INSPECTOR (V.O.)
I’m out of the office at present...
ANGEL spies the Sandford Citizen featuring him on the cover. He sees the byline ’Words and Pictures by Tim Messenger’. ANGEL hangs up and flicks through the paper, past mundane stories; ’Bypass Still Unannounced’, ’Sandford Family Trees’. He stops at a feature entitled ’Sandford People’ with an accompanying photo of George Merchant. A quote reads "This is just the beginning; I have big plans for Sandford". ANGEL looks inspired. He grabs his pen and notebook.
EXT/INT. LIBRARY - MORNING
ANGEL sits at a table surrounded by archived volumes of the Sandford Citizen. He flips through the pages at speed. We see FLASHCUTS of ANGEL scouring articles, photocopying relevant pages, highlighting crucial sentences and even correcting the odd typo. It’s a blizzard of information. We see ANGEL highlight a sentence reading ’Mr. G. Merchant has applied for planning permission...’ We see another headline, ’George Of The Jungle: Merchant Buys Scrubland’. We see a photo of MARTIN BLOWER outside the Sandford Playhouse. The headline reads ’From Bar to Verse: Solicitor Finances Drama Sociecy’. The pages flip faster, the words start to blur. There has never been a more exciting scene in film history.
INT. STATION - MORNING
A glum DANNY sits at a desk. ANGEL enters. DANNY doesn’t look up. ANGEL struggles with a guilty greeting.
ANGEL
Morning Constable.
DANNY
Alright?
ANGEL
Thanks for the monkey.
DANNY
It’s yours.
ANGEL
Yeah but I won it for you. (smiles apologetically) Danny, I think I’m on to something.
DANNY
Are you?
ANGEL
I think with a little bit of deliberation we can figure out what links these deaths.
ANGEL slaps a thick bundle of photocopies on the table.
DANNY
We?
ANGEL
I can’t do this by myself Danny.
DANNY looks touched. ANGEL smiles at DANNY.
ANGEL
Come on partner, lets go to work.
FISHER pokes his head out of his office, a note in hand.
FISHER
Sergeant Angel. Someone from London rang for you.
ANGEL
Tell them I’ll ring ’em back.
EXT. HIGH STREET – DAY
DANNY and ANGEL walk their beat, striding in perfect time.
ANGEL
Tim Messenger.
DANNY
Go.
ANGEL
Editor and journalist for The Sandford Citizen.
DANNY
Uh-huh.
ANGEL
Fondness for puns.
DANNY
Go on.
ANGEL
Terrible speller.
DANNY
Oh yeah?
ANGEL
Rut nevertheless had uncovered important information about...
INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY neglect their speed gun duty.
DANNY
George Merchant.
ANGEL
Self made millionaire.
DANNY
Ch-ching.
ANGEL
Fancied himself as a property developer.
DANNY
Uh-huh.
ANGEL
Had big plans for Sandford.
DANNY
Pissed on the floor in the Crown.
ANGEL
But more importantly, was a good friend and client of...
INT/EXT. STREET - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY walk the beat again.
ANGEL
Martin Blower.
DANNY
Affirmatron.
ANGEL
Respected solicitor and leading light of the local drama society.
DANNY
Bad actor.
ANGEL
Undoubtedly.
DANNY
Bad driver.
ANGEL
Not necessarily.
DANNY
Cheated on his missus.
ANGEL
Most certainly and we both know who with?
EXT. SQUAD CAR - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY drive back to the station.
DANNY
Eve Draper.
ANGEL
Blower’s leading lady.
DANNY
(Whistles)
ANGEL
Distinctive laugh.
DANNY
Oh yes.
ANGEL
Liked older men.
DANNY
Fingered.
ANGEL
But crucially, where did she work?
DANNY
Council.
ANGEL
Specifically?
DANNY
The department of planning and development.
ANGEL
Where George Merchant had secured permission to build his dubious mansion on Norris Avenue.
DANNY
So...
INT. STATION - EVENING
Back in the office, the energy flags.
DANNY
Maybe they were all accidents.
ANGEL
No!
He slams his head against the table.
DANNY
People have accidents everyday.
FRANK swings by.
FRANK
What are you two up to?
ANGEL
Nothing.
FRANK
Well, look sharp. There’s been reports of a fire in the station.
ANGEL
What?!
DORIS produces a cake shaped like a police hat with a single candle stuck in it. The other officers gather round, singing ’Happy Birthday’. ANGEL then notices cards and banners that have clearly been there the whole day. All reading ’Happy Birthday Danny’.
ANGEL (cont’d)
You should have said something.
DANNY
We were working weren’t we?
ANGEL is ashamed of himself. He slinks away to the door.
DANNY
Hey hey, where you going?
ANGEL
Personal errand.
EXT. STATION - AFTERNOON
The squad car races along a street, lights flashing.
EXT. FLORISTS/NURSERY - AFTERNOON
ANGEL pulls up outside ’mourns as LESLIE’ and puts his notebook emphatically on the dashboard. ANGEL arrives at the door as LESLIE TILLER is shutting up.
ANGEL
Oh Miss Tiller, I was wondering, have you got any Peace Lilies?
LESLIE TILLER
Of course. I was just about to pop off actually.
INT. FLORIST/NURSERY - EVENING
LESLIE TILLER cuts wrapping paper with large garden shears.
LESLIE TILLER
I can never find my scissors. Is this for someone special?
ANGEL
Yes. Yes it is.
ANGEL spies packing crates and boxes on the floor.
ANGEL
Are you going somewhere Miss Tiller?
LESLIE TILLER
No. Well, yes. I’m moving away. It’s all a bit out of the blue. I was planning to disappear quietly actually. I do so hate goodbyes.
ANGEL
And why the move, if you don’t mind me asking?
LESLIE TILLER
Well, just between you and I...
LESLIE TILLER seems a little edgy. ANGEL is intrigued.
ANGEL
Yes?
LESLIE TILLER
You know that fella who blew up?
ANGEL
George Merchant.
LESLIE TILLER
That’s him, well George Merchant - god rest him - he wanted to buy this land, so he sends round his legal fella Martin Blower - god rest him - I thought I might take them up on it, because I’ve been thinking about moving for some time, I haven’t really got that much family round here, save for Cousin Sissy. And while the ’Village Of The Year’ stuff is great and everything, I don’t really see anything from it, so I thought I might take them up on the offer and move to Buford Abbey. Would you like a card with this?
ANGEL
No, it’s okay. You were saying about the offer?
LESLIE TILLER
Well, it turns out that Martin Blower - god rest him - knew where the new bypass road is going because he was knocking off Eve Draper from the council - god rest her - then that reporter - god rest him - finds out about the route and tells me the land’s very valuable, ten times what George Merchant and Martin Blower - god rest them - offered me. So with them having passed on and me still owning the land, I decided to sell it on myself to some folks from the city that Martin, George and Eve - god rest the lot of them - had been talking to, apparently they want to build a big shopping centre or something, of course Cousin Sissy won’t be too happy about that, but as far as I’m concerned –
ANGEL pats his pockets for his note book.
ANGEL
Would you excuse me for one second?
LESLIE TILLER
Of course.
EXT. FLORIST/NURSERY - AFTERNOON
ANGEL leaves the florist. The cloaked figure is seen as he runs back to the car to get his pocketbook. In the background we can see LESLIE TILLER wrapping the flowers - but we can also see - The CLOAKED FIGURE slips in from the back room of the shop, grabs the shears and plunges them into LESLIE TILLER’s throat. Blood spurts all over the counter and front window as she screams. ANGEL turns back to see TILLER dying, shears in her neck. The blood. A SHADOW leaving...
ANGEL
Stop.
The cloaked figure halts and turns to him.
ANGEL
In the name of the law!
ANGEL runs towards the florist, throwing his truncheon at the window. It shatters a second before he jumps through.
INT/EXT. FLORIST/NURSERY - AFTERNOON
ANGEL runs chasing the CLOAKED FIGURE as it runs through the aisles of the stock room. He gives chase. SMASH. The CLOAKED FIGURE jumps through a greenhouse window, catching their leg on the frame. ANGEL is almost on top of him and jumps through the newly smashed window. Landing, he looks up to see the FIGURE now a good 50 metres ahead, running towards a greenhouse and knocking garden furniture in its wake. ANGEL sprints off again, bursting into the greenhouse and gaining on the CLOAKED FIGURE. Both knock plants asunder. The CLOAKED FIGURE slices through a mesh door with a knife and disappears over a hedge at the nursery perimeter. ANGEL reaches the final hedge to find the CLOAKED FIGURE, now 100 metres away, sprinting across a cricket pitch. A breathless ANGEL stands at the hedge, confused and amazed.
EXT. FLORISTS/NURSERY - AFTERNOON
Back at the florist. ANGEL and FISHER stare at LESLIE TILLER who lies dead, shears protruding from her neck.
FISHER
Hang about, hang about. You’re saying this wasn’t an accident?
INT. STATION - NIGHT
Angel puts in a coin at the swear box.
ANGEL
LESLIE TILLER WAS FUCKING MURDERED!
The assembled officers look at ANGEL as if he is insane.
CARTWRIGHT
What just like Tim Messenger?
ANGEL
Yes!
WAINWRIGHT
And George Merchant?
ANGEL
Yes!
CARTWRIGHT
And Eve Draper?
ANGEL scrawls on a piece of paper the word ’YES’.
ANGEL
Yes!
WAINWRIGHT
And Martin Blower?
ANGEL
No, actually.
WAINWRIGHT
Really?
CARTWRIGHT
Really?
ANGEL
COURSE HE FUCKING WAS!
DANNY pops a coin in the swearbox.
ANGEL
(cont’d) Thank you Danny.
WAINWRIGHT
Oh Murder. Murder. Murder. Change the fucking record.
CARTWRIGHT pops a coin in the swearbox for WAINWRIGHT.
WAINWRIGHT (cont’d)
Thank you Andy.
FISHER
Yes come on Sergeant, you’ve got to accept that it was another terrible accident.
ANGEL
Are you suggesting Leslie Tiller somehow tripped and fell on her own shears?
FISHER
Ben Fletcher fell on his pitchfork the other week.
DORIS THATCHER
People have accidents everyday. What makes you think it was murder?
ANGEL
Because I was there.
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, that’s a point. Why were you there?
ANGEL
I was buying a Japanese Peace Lily for Constable Butterman’s birthday.
WAINWRIGHT
What absolute horseshit. ANGEL Look, I chased a suspect from the scene. Innocent people don’t run.
FISHER
It might have been our old friend the cactus thief again.
DORIS THATCHER
Yeah, he was a prickly customer. Everyone laughs. ANGEL crumples against the nonsense.
ANGEL
Am I going completely mad?
WAINWRIGHT
Maybe you are?
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, maybe you killed her, seeing as you’re such a big fan of murder.
ANGEL What the!?
FRANK (O.S.)
Sergeant Angel?
ANGEL
YES....sir?
FRANK ushers ANGEL into his office and shuts the blinds.
FRANK
Nicholas, Nicholas, Nicholas, what am I going to do with you?
ANGEL
Chief, you’ve got to understand-
FRANK
No, you have to understand, the boys here aren’t used to the concepts you’re bandying about. (off Angel’s look) The ’M’ word, Nicholas. There hasn’t been a recorded murder in Sandford for 20 years.
ANGEL
But I’m sure sir. And what’s more, I know who did it.
FRANK
I hope you’re not going to say who I think you’re going say.
INT. SKINNER’S OFFICE - NIGHT
ANGEL
Could I see the manager please?
ANGEL and co. burst into SKINNER’s office to find the CHECKOUT GIRL chewing gum. She intones into the tannoy.
CHECKOUT GIRL Mr. Skinner to the manager’s office please. Manager’s office. Mr. Skinner.
INT. SKINNER’S OFFICE - NIGHT
The cops are all crammed into the office. ANGEL stands purposefully. Various employees look through the office window.
SKINNER
Sergeant Angel. Officers. To what do I owe this pleasure?
ANGEL
I’m arresting you on suspicion of the murder of Leslie Tiller.
SKINNER
Leslie Tiller is dead? How?
FISHER
She tripped and fell on her own shears.
ANGEL throws a pen at FISHER’s head. He yelps.
ANGEL
I’m also arresting you on suspicion of the murders of Tim Messenger on May 1st, George Merchant on April 29th and Eve Draper and Martin Blower on April 28th.
SKINNER
Why on earth would I want to do that Sergeant?
ANGEL
I’m glad you asked. The following is illustrated with oodles of FLASHCUTS. It looks pretty damn cool, for a British film.
ANGEL (cont’d)
My suspicions were flrst aroused when you appeared at the scene of the Blower/Draper deaths, on the outskirts of Sandford, despite living and working in the centre of the village. I couldn’t help recall your comments at the theatre the previous evening, when you not only indicated your awareness of the couple’s affair but also inferred that Ms. Draper’s connections at the council might make her privy to important information. You yourself spoke of "bashing her head in". Perhaps hoping you might discover the route for the proposed Sandford Bypass. You were already suspicious that Blower’s client George Merchant was buying up an area of land on the edge of the village, after a story Tim Messenger ran in the Citizen. You put two and two together after noting Merchant’s use of your car park to visit Blower who you knew all too well had an inside connection at the council. The land Merchant was buying up had no particular value as it was but if it were to be made accessible by a new road, it would become an ideal location for perhaps, a retail park. Consumed with concern for your business and potential disloyalty from fickle customers whom you yourself stated the desire to behead, you killed the potential competition in cold blood, staging the murders as accidents. You used a vehicle removal truck to stage the Blower/Draper crash and incinerated an old man in his house, covering your tracks with the judicial application of bacon and beans. However, there was a loose end. Tim Messenger foolishly confronted you at the village fete, after his own investigations lead him to the same conclusions. So you silenced him, before he could voice his concerns to me but not before he had told Leslie Tiller about the true value of her land. Upon discovering that she was about to sell up to the developers, you brutally murdered her with her own shears and made your escape utilising your impressive prize winning skills as a fun runner.
ANGEL finishes his summation, by resting his hand on a ’fun run’ trophy. The room is astonished. SKINNER claps slowly.
SKINNER
Very entertaining, Sergeant Angel. But I rather think you’ve been watching too many films.
DANNY
He hasn’t.
SKINNER
Why would I kill Leslie? You clearly aren’t aware we’re related.
ANGEL
Oh but I am, ’Cousin Sissy’.
ANGEL slaps down a photocopied sheet of a family tree article from the ’Sandford Citizen’. Highlighted are Skinner and Tiller’s connected names. SKINNER scoffs.
SKINNER
I’m afraid my nickname of Sissy is only a revelation to yourself. My teenage years studying ballet are well known.
WAINWRIGHT
Yeah, Sissy Skinner.
CARTWEIGHT
What a gaylord!
SKINNER
Thank you, Andrews. Despite my comment about beheading customers, I would personally relish the competition of another store. Anything to energise my workforce.
SKINNER gesticulates to his gormless minions outside.
SKINNER
Anyway, what makes you think I could dislodge part of the church roof? Or for that matter stage a car crash?
ANGEL
It’s a well known fact that the church roof is severely in need of repair. As for the car, isn’t it true that two of your employees also operate the council’s vehicle removal truck?
ANGEL points to the GRUFF LOOKING BUTCHERS. They are the same GRUFF LOOKING MEN from the removal vehicle earlier.
SKINNER
Sergeant, this is the 21st Century, I’ll think you find that many people hold down several jobs, I myself host a life drawing class at the Village Hall. (nods to Checkout Girl) Tina here is a table dancer at Flappers.
ANGEL
The thing is Mr. Skinner, you could quite easily have obtained access to the removal vehicle and used it for your own ends.
SKINNER
These accusations are meaningless Sergeant, unless you can back them up with hard evidence.
ANGEL
Well you’ve certainly got me there. We’d need something conclusive. Like perhaps a wound you sustained on a shard of broken glass this very evening.
ANGEL awkwardly pulls back SKINNER’s trouser legs. Nothing.
SKINNER
Oh Sergeant, this is getting to be embarrassing. Apart from anything else, how can I be in several places at once? I’m sure the store’s security footage can absolve me. Do feel free to spool through.
INT. SKINNER’S OFFICE - NIGHT
A frustrated ANGEL spools a huge pile of VHS tapes. We see CCTV images of SKINNER stagily strolling the shop floor. The other officers drift out of the office, grumbling. Soon only DANNY and FRANK remain. FRANK slaps a hand on ANGEL’s shoulder and leaves. DANNY picks up another tape.
ANGEL
I can handle this Danny. You might as well go back and enjoy the rest of your birthday.
DANNY
Did you really get me that plant?

ANGEL
Yes I did, but it’s been impounded as evidence.
DANNY
Maybe I can still water it.
DANNY leaves as SKINNER approaches with LURCH.
SKINNER
Sergeant, I wanted you to know that if I do indeed now own the land belonging to (sighs) Leslie, I intend to turn it into a memorial garden, in her honour.
ANGEL
Mr. Skinner, what you do with your land is of no concern of mine, so (blows raspberry while showing two fingers) Jog on.
SKINNER
Michael, will you escort the Sergeant off the premises when he’s quite finished?
LURCH
Yarp.
INT. SWAN HOTEL DINING - NIGHT
ANGEL eats alone, a broken man. JOYCE serves him wine.
JOYCE COOPER
I just can’t believe Leslie’s dead. How did it happen again? ANGEL She tripped and fell on her own shears.
INT. STATION LOCKER ROOM - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY are getting into uniform. Retrieving his cap, ANGEL sees the word ’TWAT’ written on the inside.
DANNY Hey, that weren’t me.
INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR - DAY
DANNY and ANGEL sit in their usual spot, as the high street is being decorated with bunting. DANNY leeks at ANGEL, who stares off into space.
DANNY
Look Nicholas. Mr. Treacher’s got his big coat on again...Want anything from the shop?
ANGEL
Cornetto.
INT. NEWSAGENT - DAY
DANNY buys two ice-creams from a smirking ANNETTE ROPER. ANGEL watches on morosely.
ANNETTE ROPER
No luck catching them killers then?
DANNY
It’s just the one killer actually.
EXT. SQUARE - DAY
They get into the squad car, licking their ice creams. ANNETTE’s words echo in ANGEL’s head; ’No luck catching them killers then?’ Licking his ice cream; ANGEL ponders DANNY’s response; ’It’s just the one killer actually’. The words resonate. ANGEL stops eating his ice cream, his eyes go wide.
DANNY
What’s the matter? You got brainfreeze?
ANGEL
No, I got brainwave. Get us back to the station. Now!
DANNY starts the car, whilst trying to finish as much of his ice cream as he can. He clutches his head in pain.
DANNY
Arrrgh!
EXT. STATION - DAY
The squad car screeches to a halt in the car park.
ANGEL
It’s more than one person.
FRANK
Come again?
ANGEL
More than one killer.
FRANK
It was Skinner a minute ago. ANGEL Maybe it still is. Maybe he’s not alone. Maybe there are others.
FRANK
Who exactly?
ANGEL
I don’t know but we were buying Cornettos and it suddenly hit me.
FRANK
You’re an exceptional officer, Nicholas. Truly exceptional. But I’ve seen this before.
ANGEL
Sir?
FRANK
Sergeant Popwell. It was exactly the same thing. You’ve come from a city where there’s danger round every corner and it’s driven you round the bend. ANGEL visibly sags. He becomes listless and compliant. ANGEL Yes sir. FRANK Listen, I’m due at a function in about half an hour. So do yourself a favour. Sleep on it. If you feel the same way in the morning, I give you my word, we’ll get right on it.
ANGEL
Thank you sir.
EXT. STATION - DAY
ANGEL leaves the station. DANNY follows, confused.
DANNY
What happened? What’s going on?
ANGEL
Nothing. I was just- I’m gonna go back and crash for a bit.
DANNY
Oh okay. Need a lift?
ANGEL
No, I could do with the walk.
ANGEL walks off, feeling guilty. DANNY looks forlorn.
EXT. SANDFORD HIGH STREET - DUSK
ANGEL trudges home, the street is festooned with bunting.
INT. SWAN HOTEL RECEFTION - DUSK
ANGEL slopes through the hotel reception. It is empty. A new ROMEO AND JULIET poster shows understudies, Greg and Sherry, smiling as the male and female lead.
INT. SWAN HOTEL CORRIDOR - DUSK
ANGEL takes out his key. He notices his door is ajar. The door flies open...A huge CLOAKED FIGURE lifts ANGEL off the ground, throws him inside and slams the door behind.
INT. SWAN HOTEL BEDROOM - DUSK
ANGEL hits the wall with a thud. He gets up and throws several punches at his attacker, but stops, clutching his injured hand. The FIGURE picks ANGEL up in a bear hug. ANGEL struggles, pulling the assailant’s hood off to reveal LURCH. They look at each other for a second. ANGEL brings his flsts down on either side of LURCH’s head. LURCH drops ANGEL, holding his ears. ANGEL kicks LURCH in the balls. He barely winces before hurling ANGEL across the room into a painting of the castle. His notebook drops to the floor. LUNCH lumbers towards him. ANGEL grabs the CUDDLY MONKEY and looks throws it in LURCH’s direction. LUNCH catches it and is momentarily charmed, hypnotised by the monkey’s cute eyes. A whistle from offscreen. LURCH turns to see ANGEL upright, brandishing his beloved POT PLANT.
ANGEL
Hey, big one! Playtime’s over.
SMASH. ANGEL hits LURCH across the head, destroying his Peace Lily in the process. LURCH drops. His walkie-talkie clatters to the floor, crackling to life.
SKINNER (O.S.)
Michael? Michael? Are you there? Michael? Is everything okay?
ANGEL speaks into the Walkie-talkie in a thick brogue.
ANGEL
Yarp.
SKINNER (O.S.)
Sergeant Angel has been taken care of?
ANGEL
Yarp.
SKINNER (O.S.)
He’s not going to get back up again?
ANGEL
...Narp?
SKINNER (O.S.} Good. Proceed to the castle.
ANGEL looks to a castle painting on the wall. He pulls out his phone and dials.
FRANK (0.S.)
You’ve reached Frank Butterman. Please leave a message after the beep.
ANGEL
Frank. This shit just got real. Skinner just tried to kill me. He’s going somewhere. The castle I think. I’m going there now. I don’t know who to trust. It’s Nicholas by the way.
ANGEL turns to see DANNY at the door and jumps a mile. DANNY looks at LURCH sprawled among the pot plant debris.
DANNY
Oh my god. What happened to your Peace Lily?
ANGEL
Danny. Stay here. Watch him. Call your Dad. Tell him I was right.
DANNY
What are you going to do?
ANGEL
I’m going to bust this thing wide open.
DANNY
Nicholas, wait!
Danny picks up ANGEL’s notebook and puts it in his pocket.
DANNY
You might need this.
ANGEL
Thanks partner.
EXT. HIGH STREET - NIGHT
ANGEL runs down the high street past a National Trust sign pointing toward ’SANDFORD CASTLE’.
EXT/INT. CASTLE RUINS - NIGHT
ANGEL approaches Sandford Castle ruins, a dilapidated 12th Century Castle. It looks spooky in the dark. ANGEL hears voices coming from inside. We hear chanting-
MASSED VOICES (O.S.}
...bonum commune communitatis...
ANGEL peers into the main hall. He sees several BLACK CLOAKED FIGURES standing around a large circular stone tablet. They hold torches under their faces. ANGEL makes out familiar faces under the hoods. We see TOM WEAVER, whose words echo in ANGEL’s head; "I can see what the entire village is up to..." ANGEL looks to see 12 walkie talkies on the stone tablet - "Got everyone linked up with a walkie so we can keep each other abreast of any misadventure." ANGEL sees SKINNER under one of the hoods. Words echo; "How can I be in several places at once?"... We see FLASHCUTS of the florist chase, now with angles that we didn’t see previously; a second CLOAKED FIGURE outside the greenhouse, a third CLOAKED FIGURE behind the hedge. ANGEL spies some of the other faces - JOYCE COOPER, ANNETTE ROPER, JAMES READER, REV. SHOOTER, DR. HATCHER, AMANDA PAVER - "We’re basically a group of volunteers who strive to keep the village just so..." ANGEL’s thoughts flash back to the fountain. We see DANNY throw some change in. The penny drops. We see the plaque; ’This fountain was generously restored with funds raised by F. Butterman, J. Cooper, R. Hatcher, A. Paver...’ As the CLOAKED FIGURES stop chanting and sit at the tablet, ANGEL is even more horrified by what he hears next...
JOYCE COOPER
Quick announcement before we begin. Janet Barker has decided to call her boys Roger and Martin. The christening will be Saturday week and all are welcome. Tom?
The CLOAKED FIGURES all swing their torches to WEAVER.
WEAVER
Thanks Joyce. Now you’ll be pleased to know that the tenacious Sergeant Angel has now been taken care of. Thanks must go to Simon Skinner for his efforts in this. Our very own JOYCE COOPER will discover the officer tomorrow morning, slumped on the wet floor of his ensuite bathroom, having slipped in the shower and tragically broken his neck. Dr. Hatcher will take it from there.
DR. HATCHER
Indeed and may I say very well executed Simon. I will of course pronounce the death as accidental. That is after all what I’m here for.
All torches to DR. HATCHER. There are mild chuckles.
WEAVER
With Sergeant Angel dispatched, we can concentrate our efforts on eradicating our hoodie infestation, after which nothing will stand in our way.
ANGEL (O.S.)
Oh I beg to differ, Mister Weaver. All the torches spin to the direction of the voice.
WEAVER
Well, well, well, I see we have visitors.
ANGEL walks into the torch beams, warrant card aloft.
ANGEL
Sergeant Nicholas Angel. Sandford Police Service.
SKINNER
My, he is tenacious isn’t he?
ANGEL
I’m placing you all under arrest on suspicion of conspiracy to commit murder.
WEAVER
Oh come, come Sergeant Angel.
ANGEL
You should be ashamed of yourselves. This is supposed to be the community that cares!
REV. SHOOTER
Oh, but we do care Nicholas.
JOYCE COOPER
It’s all about the greater good.
ALL
The greater good.
ANGEL
What do you mean the greater good?
ALL
The greater good.
SKINNER
Sandford, Nicholas. The village.
DR. HATCHER
A happy village is a healthy village.
REAPER
Perfection breeds contentment and contentment is paramount.
SKINNER
You see, as much as I enjoyed your wild theories Sergeant, the truth is far less complex. Blower’s fate was simply the result of his being an appalling actor.
There’s a murmur of "appalling".
ANGEL
You murdered him for that?
SKINNER
He murdered Bill Shakespeare.
ANGEL
What!? Oh I see.
We see FLASHBACKS of MARTIN BLOWER’s dressing room murder. Now, we see new angles with MULTIPLE CLOAKED FIGURES.
REAPER
The Sandford Players is an important feather in our cap.
DR. HATCHER
We couldn’t let Blower jeopardize that. Not when we had two semiprofessionals waiting in the wings.
SKINNER points to an OLDER COUPLE in cloaks who wave back.
SKINNER
Let us not forget Greg was an extra in Straw Dogs –
ANGEL
Yes, I know!
JOYCE COOPER
Martin was less concerned with the reputation of the village than his sordid affair with Eve Draper.
We see FLASHBACKS of EVE’s murder by MULTIPLE KILLERS.
ANGEL
And so Eve deserved to die too?
DR. HATCHER
She did have an annoying laugh.
There’s a murmur of ’annoying’.
ANGEL
And George Merchant?
SKINNER
He had an awful house.
There’s a murmur of "awful". We see FLASHBACKS of MERCHANT’S ’accidental’ explosion. Now, with MULTIPLE CLOAKED FIGURES engineering it.
JOYCE COOPER
We begged him in vain to make his residence more in keeping with the village’s rustic aesthetic.
ANGEL
What was Messenger’s crime?
SKINNER
Tim Messenger’s tenure as editor of the Sandford Citizen has been unbearable.
REAPER
Our once great paper had become riddled with tabloid journalism and dreadful punnery. Not to mention persistent errors.
ROY PORTER
He listed her age as 55.
MARY PORTER
When I’m actually 53.
REV SHOOTER
The church roof was in need of repair and the insurers wouldn’t pay unless it was certified hazardous. Let’s just say we killed two birds with one stone.
FLASHBACK of MULTIPLE CLOAKED FIGURES pushing the turret.
ANGEL
What about Leslie Tillar? One of your own? Her horticultural expertise helped put Sandford on the map.
JOYCE COOPER
She was ever so good.
SKINNER
Cousin Leslie was a terrible shame. But it seems she was set on moving away.
WEAVER
We had to stop her before she shared her green fingers with anyone else.
JOYCE COOPER
Not least the heathens at Euford Abbey.
The NWA simultaneously spit on the ground.
DR. HATCHER
If we can’t have her no-one can.
ANGEL
How can this be for the greater good?!
ALL
The greater good.
ANGEL
Shut it. These people died for no reason, no reason whatsoever?
VOICE (O.S.)
Oh I wouldn’t say that.
All torches move to the voice. To ANGEL’s horror, it is FRANK. He wears the era FASHIONED POLICE CAPE.
FRANK
I was like you once Nicholas. I believed in the immutable word of the law. That is until the night Mrs. Butterman was taken from me. You see, no-one loved Sandford more than her. She was head of the Women’s Institute, chair of the ’floral committee’, even ran the Neighbourhood Watch before Tom. When they started the ’Village of the Year’ contest, she worked round the clock, it became her life. I’ve never seen such dedication. On the eve of the adjudicator’s arrival, some travellers moved into Callahan Park. Before could say gypsy scum, We were knee deep in dog muck, thieving kids and crusty jugglers. We lost the title and Irene lost her mind. She drove her Datsun Cherry into Sandford Gorge. The inquiry said it was an accident but I knew better. From that moment on I swore that I’d do her proud. And whatever the cost, we’d make Sandford great again.
ANGEL
Sir, this doesn’t make sense.
FRANK
The adjudicators arrive tomorrow Nicholas. They were supposed to arrive in a couple of months but they brought it forward for some reason. We had to make sure everything was ready.
ANGEL
Are you saying this was all about winning the ’Best Village Award’?
FRANK
This is the best village Nicholas. You’ve seen the people. They’re happy, contented.
ANGEL
They’re living in a dream world.
HATCHER
Precisely. No crime. No tension.
WEAVER
Sheer bliss. There’s a murmur of "bliss".
FRANK
We have created the society you dream about. Isn’t that worth preserving?
ANGEL
Not with murder.
FRANK
Sgt. Popwell thought much the same as you. I’m disappointed you can’t see the big picture.
ANGEL
Well, I’m happy to disappoint sir. And I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me. You’re all going to have to come with me.
FRANK
No Nicholas, I’m afraid it’s you who has to some with us...
The NWA reveal an array of weapons from under their cloaks; axes, scythes, pitchforks, knives etc. Out of the shadows, a bruised and angry LURCH slaps a hand on ANGEL’s shoulder. ANGEL is shocked. Another hand lands on his other shoulder. He turns to see…
ANGEL
Danny? No! NO!
DANNY is silent. He and LURCH wield knives and torches. With lightning speed ANGEL ducks out of their grip, grabs LURCH’s blade, spins behind DANNY and holds it to his throat. He takes DANNY’s torch and shines it at the NWA.
ANGEL
Now back off or you’ll be explaining to everyone how Danny accidentally tripped and cut his own head off.
The NWA continue to close in. FRANK laughs.
FRANK
Oh come on Nicholas. You haven’t got it in you.
ANGEL
I MEAN IT.
They close in further. Shit. ANGEL throws DANNY to the ground and runs into the woods. The NWA give chase. A hoard of cloaked figures run through the trees. ANGEL sprints into the darkness. Suddenly ANGEL trips and falls through a hole in the path.
INT. BLACKNESS - NIGHT
ANGEL crashes to a dusty floor, winded. He picks up his torch and shines it around. He seems to be inside an old GYPSY CARAVAN buried in the ground. His torch picks out a SKELETON IN GYPSY CLOTHING. ANGEL backs up frantically, colliding with an ENTIRE FAMILY OF GYPSY SKELETONS, complete with children and dog. ANGEL staggers to the door which bursts open into a cave. His torch picks out many more bodies – the underage drinkers, Arthur Webley... The most recent addition, in a PURPLE SHELL SUIT is a dead PETER COCKER. ANGEL jumps back and finds himself staring at a skeleton in a police sergeant’s uniform. It has a BIG BUSHY BEARD. ANGEL flees the cave and sees one other corpse; that of the LIVING STATUE, now frozen in a final expression of terror.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
ANGEL slams straight into DANNY at the cave mouth. The other NWA members gather behind, an ominous mass of shadow. DANNY produces his blade. ANGEL Danny! No! DANNY plunges the knife into ANGEL’s chest. We see ANGEL stagger back. His torch drops and smashes.
INT/EXT. DANNY’S CAR - NIGHT
A sign looms in the night - ’YOU ARE NOW LEAVING SANDFORD’. A grim DANNY pulls into a dark layby in his Astra. The brake lights illuminate the sign with a hellish glow.
INT/EXT DANNY’S CAR - NIGHT
A car boot opens. DANNY stands over a bloodied ANGEL, the knife protruding from his chest. ANGEL slowly opens his eyes and looks at DANNY with confusion. DANNY slowly opens his hand to reveal a number of empty ketchup sachets.
DANNY
(weakly) Ta-daaaa.
ANGEL
What are you doing?
DANNY
Saving your skin.
DANNY yanks the knife out of ANGEL’s chest. ANGEL produces the notebook from his breast pocket. DANNY hauls ANGEL out of the car boot.
ANGEL
Danny, it’s murder.
DANNY
It’s not, it’s ketchup.
ANGEL
I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about the others.
DANNY
What others?
ANGEL
The others the NWA have murdered.
DANNY
That’s not true.
ANGEL
It is!
DANNY
Dad just said it’s his special club. I thought it was about rapping people on the knuckles and sending them on their way.
ANGEL
There are skeletons back there Danny.
DANNY
I don’t know nuffin about the skelingtons!
ANGEL
But what about Draper, Blower, Merchant, Messenger and Tiller? What do you think was happening?
DANNY
I don’t know.
ANGEL
It was Frank, Danny. He’s appointed himself judge, jury and executioner.
DANNY
He’s not Judge Judy!
ANGEL
He is, Danny! And you have to help me take him down.
DANNY
I can’t Nicholas. I’m involved now. I have to do what Dad says. I can’t get out. But you can. Take the car, go back to London. There’s nothing you can do.
ANGEL
I can come back. And I can bring the blue fury of the Metropolitan Police Service with me.
DANNY
They’ll make it all disappear. They hid it from everyone else. Who are they gonna believe? Dad, or the loony London copper?
ANGEL
But you’ll be here won’t you Danny? We can do this together. You and me. Partners.
DANNY
Forget it Nicholas. It’s Sandford.
A tearful DANNY pulls out his car keys. ANGEL takes them, limps to the car and drives off. In his rear view, ANGEL can just make out the figure of DANNY standing in the road.
INT. DANNY’S CAR - NIGHT
ANGEL drives down the M4. Rain lashes his windscreen. His fuel light blinks low. He reaches ’HESTON SERVICES’.
INT. HESTON SERVICES - NIGHT
A CLERK eyes ANGEL, who is covered in grime and ketchup. CLERK Is that everything Sir? ANGEL’s gaze has been drawn to a bargain bin full of DVDs. He scans the titles - ’OUT FOR JUSTICE’,’THE ENFORCER’, ’LETHAL WEAPON’, ’WALKING TALL’, ’HARD TO KILL’, and of course, ‘POINT BREAK’ and ‘BAD BOYS 2’.
CLERK (cont’d)
Sir? Sir? Is there anything we can do for you?
ANGEL
No. This is something I have to do myself.
ANGEL grabs a pair of shades, a fistful of car spray paints and some bubble gum. He slams down some crumpled money.