Hot Fuzz: Part 2

EXT. HIGH STREET - DAY
A glum cap wearing ANGEL and chirpy helmet wearing DANNY, walk the streets.
DANNY
Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?
ANGEL
No.
DANNY
Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?
ANGEL
No.
DANNY
Have you ever been in a high speed pursuit?
ANGEL
Yes.
DANNY
Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed pursuit?
ANGEL
No.
INT. NEWS AGENT - DAY
A sign reads ’ONLY ONE SCHOOL CHILD AT ANY TIME’. ANGEL waits as DANNY buys a pasty from a FEMALE NEWSAGENT.
A walkie talkie crackles to life on the counter.
RADIO VOICE
Annette, that new policeman is coming into your shop. Get a look at his arse.
ANGEL and DANNY walk the quiet streets again.
DANNY
What about Lethal Weapon.
ANGEL
No.
DANNY
You’ve seen Die Hard though?
ANGEL
No.
DANNY
Bad Boys 2?
ANGEL
No.
DANNY
You haven’t seen Bad Boys 2??
INT. LOCKER ROOM - EVENING
ANGEL and a pumped DANNY change out of their uniforms.
DANNY
Woof? Hell of a day.
ANGEL
Yep.
DANNY
Same again tomorrow?
ANGEL
Yep.
ANGEL takes a vest from his locker.
INT. SWAN HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM - EVENING
Laughter heard as we see a sign reading ’N.W.A - 7pm’.
SHOPKEEPER
He went to my shop earlier…
TOM WEAVER introduces ANGEL to a large group of Village folk, including JOYCE COOPER and the PORTERS. FRANK is also present, as is a snoring BERNARD. WEAVER introduces the BOOKISH CYCLIST glimpsed that morning.
WEAVER
This is Amanda Paver, headmistress of Sandford Primary.
PAVER
How are you sergeant?
WEAVER
And Simon Skinner I believe you’ve met.
SIMON SKINNER
Oh we’re already firm friends.
SIMON SKINNER beams at ANGEL, who is a little unnerved. A middle aged woman fusses over a floral display reading ’WELCOME SERGEANT’.
WEAVER
And this is Leslie Tiller, our local floral wiz. Her horticultural contributions have helped put Sandford on the map. She prepared this especially for you.
JOYCE COOPER
She’s ever so good.
WEAVER
James Reaper, who owns Brannigan Farm.
WEAVER introduces the tall, ruddy, farmer from the bar.
REAPER
I hear you’re quite the marksman. Perhaps you might like to join us for a shoot one day.
ANGEL
I haven’t held a firearm for over two years Mr. Reaper and I’m more than happy to keep it that way.
REAPER
You will be popular with the local birds.
A ripple of polite laughter as the group gather round and sit at a large circular table. SKINNER stares at ANGEL, grinning.
REV. SHOOTER
Hello Nicholas. Reverend Shooter. I was hoping you might read a homily at Sunday Service. ANGEL
To be honest Reverend, that might be a little hypocritical of me.
REV. SHOOTER
Oh, are we an atheist?
ANGEL
No, I’m open to the concept of religion, I’m just not entirely convinced.
REV. SHOOTER
You’re agnostic?
DR. HATCHER
I think I have a cream for that.
More laughter. WEAVER nods to a tweedy, bearded doctor.
WEAVER
And this is Robin Hatcher our resident sawbones.
DR. HATCHER
Hopefully we won’t see too much of each other over the coming months.
DR. HATCHER smiles at ANGEL. More laughter.
WEAVER
All that remains to say is, welcome to the weekly meeting of the Neighbourhood Watch Alliance.
They sit around a round table. JOYCE COOPER brings the meeting to order.
JOYCE COOPER
Now, quick announcement before we begin. Janet Barker has just given birth to twins. [People go “aww”] So, congratulations to her. Tom?
WEAVER
Thanks Joyce.
WEAVER affects a deadly earnest tone of voice.
WEAVER (cont’d) I’m sure many of you will have noticed the return of a blight on our streets, one which is all the more disturbing as the ’Village Of The Year’ contest looms. I refer of course of the extremely irritating Living Statue. An image of the LIVING STATUE on an overhead projector.
There are mumbles of "irritating". ANGEL rolls his eyes and covers his hand. FRANK smiles and pats him on the back.
INT. SWAN HOTEL ROOM - EVENING
ANGEL lies awake on his bed. His floral tribute appears almost funereal against the wall.
ANGEL (V.O.)
Police work is as much about preventing crime as it is about fighting crime. Most importantly it...
INT. SCHOOL - MORNING
ANGEL
… is about procedural correctness in the execution of unquestionable moral authority. Any questions?
We see ANGEL is talking to a group of young school kids. DANNY sits cross legged with them. He puts his hand up.
ANGEL
Yes?
DANNY Is it true if you shot a man in a particular spot on the head, you can make it blow up?
Later: the school bell rings as the kids applaud ANGEL. A wiry young reporter approaches with a camera.
TIM MESSENGER
Hi, Tim Messenger. Quick snap for the Sandford Citizen?
Later: ANGEL poses awkwardly with the schoolkids.
TIM MESSENGER (cont’d)
How about if you put the teacher in handcuffs?
ANGEL
I’m not sure that gives off the right signals.
TIM MESSENGER
Too cheesy, right, I get the signals. Give the little blond kid your hat?
ANGEL looks at a sweet BLOND HAIRED BOY next to him.
ANGEL
I’d rather not.
TIM MESSENGER
Wave your hitting stick about?
ANGEL
No.
TIM MESSENGER
Righty-ho-ho.
He activates the camera.
INT. SWAN HOTEL DINING ROOM - MORNING FLASH.
We see the newspaper article; ’SHORT ARM OF THE LAW: TOP COP ANGLE TELLS IT TO THE KIDS’. ANGEL circles the typo as he sits in a vast dining room. JOYCE approaches with tea. JOYCE COOPER
Oh, can I have your autograph please?
ANGEL laughs it off bashfully.
JOYCE COOPER (CONT’D)
For the breakfast.
ANGEL
Oh, sorry!
He signs the guest list.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - MORNING
ANGEL opens his locker. It is plastered with photocopies of the article. The ’ANGLE’ typo is underlined in red.
DANNY
Hey, that weren’t me.
INT. STATION - MORNING
ANGEL makes his way to his office. Sniggering officers greet him with ’Sergeant Angle’, including the now straight haired DESK SERGEANT.
DESK SERGEANT Morning Angle.
FISHER Morning Angle.
DORIS THATCHER
Morning Angle.
WAINWRIGHT
Morning Angle.
CARTWRIGHT
Morning Angle
ANGEL feigns good humour but looks irritated. His phone rings. He picks up.
ANGEL
Sergeant Angel?...
MR. STAKER
The swan has escaped.
ANGEL
Right.And where exactly has the swan escaped from, exactly?
MR. STAKER
Um, the castle.
ANGEL
Oh, yeah, And who might you be?
ANGEL looks around at his fellow officers to see who is on the other end of the phone. He realises that no-one is.
MR. STAKER
Mr. Staker. Mr. Peter Ian Staker.
ANGEL
P. I. Staker? Piss taker? Come on!
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
ANGEL talks to a middle-aged man by a moat.
ANGEL
Yes Mr. Staker, we’ll do everything we can to get it back. Can you describe it?
MR. STAKER
Two foot tall. Long slender neck.
ANGEL
Go on.
MR. STAKER
Orange and black bill.
ANGEL
Anything else?
MR. STAKER
Well, it’s a swan.
EXT. PARK - DUSK DANNY and ANGEL close in on a swan which waddles through a park. However it evades them every time they draw near. DANNY honks.
ANGEL
You’re gonna scare it.
The swan runs behind them, they chase again.
INT. NEWSAGENT – DAY
DANNY buys a Cornetto from a smirking ANNETTE ROPER. ANGEL stands nearby, whilst looking elsewhere.
ANNETTE ROPER
No luck catching them swans then?
DANNY
It’s just the one swan actually.
EXT. SQUAD CAR/SANDFORD SQUARE – DAY
ANGEL and DANNY sit in their usual parking space. Sandford life drifts by. The LIVING STATUE is also present.
DANNY
You want anything from the shop?
ANGEL
You’ve just been to the shop.
DANNY
I was thinking of a different shop.
ANGEL
Constable Butterman, this is not the time for personal errands.
DANNY
Well, there’s nothing going on.
ANGEL
There’s always something going on. Look around you, what do you see?
An ANCIENT MAN in a heavy winter overcoat passes by.
DANNY
Mr. Treacher?
ANGEL
Yeah. Why that big coat? He can’t be cold. Why the extra layer? He might be hiding something...
DANNY
[pointing with his middle finger] Mr. Treacher?
ANGEL
Okay, what about this guy?
ANGEL nods over to a man in a PURPLE SHELL SUIT with his cap pulled down low over his face. ANGEL Why he has his hat pulled down like that?
DANNY
He’s fuck ugly.
ANGEL
Or he doesn’t want you to see his face.
DANNY
Because he’s fuck ugly.
Changing tack, ANGEL nods to a HULKING MAN, clad in denim.
ANGEL
Alright. Well, what’s his story?
DANNY
That’s Lurch.
ANGEL
Go on.
DANNY
He’s the trolley boy at the supermarket.
ANGEL
Good.
DANNY
Real name, Michael Armstrong.
ANGEL
Okay.
DANNY
Dad says he’s got a child’s mind.
ANGEL
Uh huh.
DANNY
Lives up Summer Street with his mum and his sister.
ANGEL
Are they as big as him?
DANNY
Who?
ANGEL
The mum and the sister.
DANNY
Same person.
ANGEL
Which shop were you thinking of?
INT. SOMERFIELD - DAY
As DANNY delves in a video bargain bin full of action films, ANGEL loiters in organic produce. He spots two GRUFF LOOKING BUTCHERS – the same who towed back Danny’s car after he drunkenly crashed - behind a meat counter. They nod ’hello’.
FEMALE VOICE (TANNOY)
Sergeant Angel to the manager’s ofifice. Managers office. Sergeant Angel.
INT. MANAGERS OFFICE - DAY
ANGEL strides into an office where SIMON SKINNER reads the ’Top Cop’ story in the SANDFORD CITIZEN. A slutty CHECKOUT GIRL lounges beside him. One wall is lined with sketches of a drive thru supermarket, the other with security monitors. A ’fun running’ trophy sits conspicuously on the shelf.
SKINNER
Ah, Sergeant Angel. Or is it Angle?
CHECKOUT GIRL
Mr. Skinner, a baby’s sicked up in aisle six.
SKINNER
Please excuse me. Michael?
The now uniformed LURCH lumbers past the doorway.
LURCH
Yarp.
SKINNER
Child vomit. Aisle six. Mop it up.
LURCH
Yarp.
ANGEL
Is there a problem, Mr Skinner?
SKINNER
No, I just wanted to say how lovely it is to see you supporting your local store.
ANGEL
That’s quite alright.
SKINNER
All too many have defected to the Megamart in Buford Abbey and may their heads be struck from their shoulders for such disloyalty.
ANGEL
Yes, well if you’d excuse me, Mr. Skinner I am on duty.
SKINNER
Of course, I simply spied you loitering in organic produce and assumed you had time on your hands.
ANGEL
Well maybe there’s someone else you should be keeping an eye on.
SKINNER turns to leak at the CCTV. On one screen we see a small, well dressed man climbing out of a Range Rover.
SKINNER That’s the Fridge Magnate.
ANGEL The Fridge Magnet?
SKINNER Name’s George Merchant. Made a fortune in kitchen goods. Built that monstrosity on Norris Avenue. He’ll validate his parking with a paltry Snickers and scurry off to his solicitor’s office all afternoon. I swear I’ll have the boys tow him away.
ANGEL
Actually I wasn’t talking about him.
SKINNER
Oh?
ANGEL
I was talking about him.
ANGEL paints to a different screen. We see a SHOPPER rather obviously stuffing biscuits into his trousers.
SKINNER
Ah.
ANGEL
Excuse me.
INT. SOMERFIELD - DAY
ANGEL strides straight up to the shopper. It is THE MAN IN THE PURPLE SHELL SUIT from the square.
ANGEL
Excuse me.
The SHOPLIFTER freezes for a moment. Then scarpers. DANNY reads the cover of Jackie Chan’s SUPERCOP when ANGEL explodes into life, chasing the SHOPLIFTER down the aisle. He throws the video back in the bin and fellows suit.
EXT. SUPERMARKET/HIGH STREET - DAY
The SHOPLIFTER bursts onto the street with ANGEL in hot pursuit. The usual friendly greetings from folk are bestowed on ANGEL as he sprints by. It sounds surreal. They race past shopkeepers, who report into their radios. They also pass the LIVING STATUE. He doesn’t budge. The SHOPLIFTER avoids being hit by REAPER’s 4x4. ANGEL vaults ever the bonnet. The shoplifter runs into an alley. ANGEL fellows, but comes to a stop at the alley entrance. ANGEL
Oh, you mothers.
Several YOUNG MOTHERS with push chairs clog up the alley. DANNY catches up with ANGEL. He’s very out of breath.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Let’s cut through here.
DANNY
Through the gardens?
ANGEL
What’s the matter? You never taken a short cut before?
ANGEL leaps over a garden fence, then the next one, then the next. It’s an amazing acrobatic feat. DANNY gasps and follows ANGEL, but trips and crashes through the fence. ANGEL lands back in the alley, when suddenly he spots the SWAN. Waddling past the mouth of the alley. ANGEL is torn for a split second, then resumes the SHOPLIFTER chase. ANGEL runs into the HOODIES, spraying a graffiti tag reading ’G’ on a wall. Upon seeing ANGEL, the HOODIES immediately scatter like roaches, dropping their spray cans on the floor. ANGEL scoops up the spray can and hurls it through the air. It hits the SHOPLIFTER on the head. He crashes to the floor hard. ANGEL picks the SHOPLIFTER up. DANNY approaches.
ANGEL
You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
SHOPLIFTER
Alright Danny.
DANNY
Alright Pete.
ANGEL
Do you know this man?
DANNY
Yeah, he’s Auntie Jackie’s sister’s brother’s boy.
ANGEL
And it didn’t occur to you to mention this before?
DANNY
I couldn’t see his face could I? I’m not made of eyes!
INT. CUSTODY SUITE - DAY
We see FLASHCUTS of PETER COCKER being processed; mugshot, prints. ANGEL fills out arrest paperwork. FISHER ambles over.
SGT. FISHER
Impressive collar. Shame Mr Skinner doesn’t want to press charges.
ANGEL
What do you mean he doesn’t want to press charges?
SIMON SKINNER (O.S.) I’m simply suggesting Peter be given a second chance...
ANGEL turns to see SKINNER distributing the stolen biscuits to officers, including a curly-haired DESK SERGEANT.

SKINNER
-before he becomes just another crime statistic. I’m sure he’s learnt a valuable lesson.
FISHER
Stealing biscuits is...wrong?
SKINNER
(offers Fisher a biscuit) Correct.
FISHER
Ooh thanks.
ANGEL
And yet we respond by not taking a single punitive measure?
SKINNER
That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
FISHER
Heh heh. Like biscuits innit?
ANGEL
Mr. Skinner.
FRANK (O.S.}
Everything alright?
ANGEL turns to see FRANK at the doorway, eating ice cream.
ANGEL
Mr. Skinner feels it would be best if we didn’t prosecute an individual who has blatantly committed an offence.
FRANK
Leave this with me boys. I’ll make sure everyone gets their just desserts.

INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR IN LAYBY - DAY
ANGEL sits with a speed gun recording passing cars, DANNY has his feet up and is eating some of the stolen biscuits. Behind is a sign reading ’YOU ARE NOW LEAVING SANDFORD’.
ANGEL
Why are we on traffic?
DANNY
Dad’s probably giving us a rest after all that jumping over fences.
ANGEL
I don’t need a rest.
DANNY
There’s an amazing bit in ’Point Break’ where they jump over fences.
ANGEL
Is there now?
DANNY
Yeah, Patrick Swayze’s robbed this bank and Keanu Reeves chases him through people’s gardens and then Keanu lands really badly and breaks his leg off and he’s like ’aaaargh’ and then he goes to shoot Swayze, but he can’t cause he loves him so much and he fires up in the air and he’s going ’aaaargh’. Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone ’aaaarh’.
ANGEL
No, Constable I have never fired my gun up in the air and gone ’aaaargh’.
DANNY
Sorry, I just feel... I just feel like I’m missing out sometimes. I want to do what you do.
ANGEL
You do, do what I do. What on Earth do you think you’re missing out on?
DANNY
I don’t know. Gun fights. Car chases. Proper action and shit .
ANGEL
Proper policing isn’t about action... or shit.
DANNY
Yeah but you got to fire a gun. How come we don’t all have guns?
ANGEL
Arming the entire British Police Service would not necessarily lower the rate of crime. Guns aren’t toys Constable. Opening fire on another human being is a difficult and dizzying experience. If you’d paid attention to me in school, you’d know it’s not all about guns fights and car chases.
A MEGANE speeds past them. DANNY and ANGEL exchange a look.
ANGEL
Fire up the roof.
ANGEL flicks the siren on. They peel out at speed. The MEGANE pulls over, ending the chase before it begins.
DANNY
That was brilliant.
They walk over to the MEGANE. The smartly dressed DRIVER winds down his window. ANGEL can see a NERVOUS YOUNG WOMAN in the passenger seat. The DRIVER hands over his license.
BLOWER
Was I going a tad fast, officer?
ANGEL
Yes, you were Mr. Blower.
ANGEL starts speedily scribbling in his notebook.
BLOWER
We’re staging a homage to William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet tonight and I’m a little late for the dress rehearsal. I’m playing the eponymous hero you see. Romeo not Juliet. (nervous chuckle) What are you writing?
ANGEL
Everything you say so I can refer to it later.
BLOWER
Now officer, I am a respected solicitor, there’s no need to…
ANGEL continues to write. DANNY watches this with interest.
BLOWER (CONT’D}
Stop writing. I was merely trying to explain why I might have exceeded the speed limit…
ANGEL
You’re playing the male lead in a production of William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet and you’re late for the dress rehearsal. You think this is sufficient reason to travel at 48 in a 30 zone?
BLOWER
Well, I….
ANGEL
To flout speed limits specifically put in place to save lives.
BLOWER
This is preposterous.
ANGEL
...pre-post-er-ous.
BLOWER
Look, just...stop writing!
ANGEL
...St-op wri-ting.
BLOWER
Look...you’re right, I apologise.
ANGEL and DANNY get back into their CAR.
ANGEL
You see what I did there?
DANNY
You hypnotised him.
ANGEL waves his pocket book in DANNY’s face.
ANGEL
I used this. The most important piece of police hardware. This has saved my skin on many occasions. Think about using yours more often.
DANNY
I do use mine.
DANNY produces his pocketbook. ANGEL flips through the pages. We see a flick-illustration of cops shooting someone dead with red ink for blood. ANGEL shakes his head.
ANGEL
This is just extraordinary.
DANNY
Wait til you see the one on the other side.
INT. LOCKER ROOM/FRONT DESK - EVENING
ANGEL and DANNY stride out of the station in their civvies.
DANNY
What are you up to tonight?
ANGEL
I have to water my peace lily.
DANNY
Oh okay.
ANGEL Why?
DANNY
I just thought you might want to do something.
ANGEL
What exactly were you thinking?
DANNY
Pub?
ANGEL
I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?
ANGEL glares at DANNY. The now straight haired DESK SERGEANT calls after him.
DESK SERGEANT
Oi, you two. A Mr. Blower left you tickets for Romeo and Juliet tonight. Said it was by way of an apology.
DANNY
Yeah?
ANGEL
Well, we can’t accept gifts from someone we’ve offlcially rebuked.
DANNY
Yeah.
ANGEL calmly rips up both tickets in front of a deflated DANNY. ANGEL makes to leave again, just as FRANK enters.
FRANK
Ah Nicholas. Glad I caught you. Wondered if you wouldn’t mind representing us at the am dram tonight. I’m otherwise engaged and it’d be good to have a show of faith from the constabulary.
ANGEL
Of course, sir.
FRANK
And there’s a spare for Danny too.
DANNY
Yeah?
INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER
ANGEL is in disbelief watching. On stage, BLOWER dressed as Leonardo Di Caprio’s Romeo, complete with suit of armour, leans over EVE DRAPERS’s Juliet (dressed like Claire Danes), who lies in state on a prop alter. He uncaps a large bottle of poison, marked with a skull and cross bones and holds it aloft. BLOWER (ROMEO) A dateless bargain to engrossing death. Here’s to my love. 55. He drinks the poison, just as JULIET awakes with an exaggerated yawn. ROMEO and JULIET look at each other in horror.
EVE DRAPER (JULIET)
Poison? Drunk all and not one drop to help me after? I’ll kiss thy lips. Happly some poison doth yet hang on them.
They kiss. With tongues. It goes on far too long. ROMEO goes limp. JULIET picks up his gun and shoots herself shouting “BANG!”. The stage goes to black.
The lights come up again to reveal the whole cast performing a ’Knees Up Mother Brown’ version of The Cardigans' ’Love Fool’. ANGEL’s expression is one of abject horror.
INT. THEATRE BAR - LATER
In the packed bar, DANNY downs a pint and ANGEL downs a cranberry juice. A beaming TIM MESSENGER sidles over.
MESSENGER
Sergeant Angel, quick word for the Sandford Citizen?
ANGEL
It was very...enjoyable.
MESSENGER
"Cop Enjoys Watching Young Lovers?"
ANGEL
I don’t think so.
MESSENGER
"Local Bobby Gives Thumbs Up To Teen Suicide?"
ANGEL
That’s grossly inappropriate.
SKINNER
You will spell his name correctly this time, won’t you Timothy?
SKINNER swoops in and leads ANGEL away from MESSENGER.
SKINNER (cont’d)
Absolute tosh wasn’t it? Annoyingly, the understudies are actually professional actors. Greg was an extra in Straw Dogs and Sheree portrayed a cadaver in Prime Suspect.
SKINNER nods to an OLDER COUPLE who wave back at him. A still made up MARTIN BLOWER and his FEMALE LEAD rush over.
BLOWER
Sergeant Angel, you came? I am so thrilled you accepted my invitation.
ANGEL
Our Inspector requested we attend.
DANNY
Yes, we can’t accept gifts from someone we’ve officially rebuked so... (blows raspberry and does a two finger salute) ...jog on.
ANGEL
Well, congratulations anyway to you and Mrs. Blower.
EVE DRAPER snorts an alarmingly high pitched laugh.
BLOWER
Oh, this isn’t my wife. This is Miss Draper, my leading lady.
SKINNER
Isn’t she just? Eve works for the council, Sergeant. Quite the lady in the know.
EVE
Oh I am not.
SKINNER
Nonsense. I’m sure if we bashed your head in, all sorts of secrets would come tumbling out. EVE lets out another snort. GEORGE MERCHANT approaches.
MERCHANT
Romeo, Romeo, a pint of bitter for Romeo? BLOWER Yes please George and thank you for coming!
MERCHANT
A pleasure my liege.
ANGEL spots the BLONDE SCHOOLKID from his school talk, in the other room, sipping Coke and staring at him.
DANNY
Eve’s nice ain’t she?
ANGEL
She has a... distinctive laugh.
DANNY
She was in my year at school. Always had a thing for her.
ANGEL
Well, she obviously has a thing for older men.
DANNY
What, with Blower?! No way!
ANGEL
We just sat through three hours of so-called acting tonight Constable, their kiss was the only convincing moment in it.
DANNY
Now you mention it, I too have reason to believe she favours the older gent.
ANGEL
Really? How so?
DANNY
Marcus Carter’s big brother said he fingered her up the duck pond.
ANGEL spits out his cranberry juice.
EXT. SANDFORD PLAYHOUSE - NIGHT
Theatregoers spill out onto the street as BLOWER closes up.
BLOWER
Officers, again let me extend my sincere apologies for earlier.
ANGEL
Good night Mr. Blower. Drive safe.
ANGEL and DANNY turn away and walk home. DANNY chuckles.
DANNY
"Drive safe". You got him then. (pause) You know that’s the bloke we done for speeding earlier.
ANGEL I know and hopefully that’s the last we’ll see of him.
ANGEL smiles. He and DANNY walk off, revealing a FIGURE swathed in a BLACK CLOAK. We cannot see its face. It darts into the alley behind the Playhouse building! In FLASHCUTS we see an axe blade glint...a door pane smash...a gloved hand finds the door handle...
INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
MARTIN BLOWER rips the foil from a bottle of champagne. There’s a knock at the door. BLOWER coos back.
BLOWER
Who is it?
The door opens...It’s EVE DRAPER...BLOWER grins...
BLOWER (cont’d)
We haven’t got long.
EVE grins...A champagne cork pops...Bubbly foams...
EVE
To us?
There’s another knock at the door. BLOWER shouts, worried.
BLOWER
Who is it?
BLOWER INCHES THE DOOR 0PEN...AN AXE SMASHES DOWN INTO BLOWER’S NECK...THE CHAMPAGNE DROPS...EVE SCREAMS... SHE IS STRUCK AS WELL…
INT. SWAN HOTEL BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING
A call button flashes red in the darkness...ANGEL picks up.
ANGEL
Hello… [sits up] Decapitated?
EXT. LAYBY - MORNING
TWO DECAPITATED HEADS lie surrounded by pieces of metal.
FISHER
Little Brian Libby found them, out on his paper round. He’ll be having nightmares for a while.
FISHER addresses ANGEL, DANNY, THATCHER and WALKER. Behind is a blood splattered ’YOU ARE NOW LEAVING SANDFORD’ sign.
FISHER (cont’d)
Must have hit the sign at some speed. Took the whole top off.
DORIS THATCHER
I’ve had my top off in this layby.
FISHER points to where BLOWER’s MEGANE has come to a violent stop. The top half of the car has been shaved off.
FISHER
Most likely lost control, left the road here and ended up there... Soooo, what do you think we should do? Sergeant Angel?
ANGEL
We should cordon off the area, screen the remains from public view and close off the road until the ambulance arrives, whereupon we should open a single lane of traffic to ease congestion.
FISHER
Very good. What he said.
FLASHCUTS; a cordon unfurled, tents erected, cones set out. ANGEL and DANNY wave on the morning traffic past the crash site. JAMES REAPER leans out of his 4X4.
REAPER
What’s happened, Danny?
DANNY
Car accident.
REAPER
Nasty way to go.
ANGEL WAINWRIGHT
Constable, official Vocab states such incidents are now referred to as ’collisions’, not ’car accidents’ –
A RED MG slows to a stop. SKINNER leans out of the window.
SKINNER
For never was there a story of more woe. Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
ANGEL
I’m sorry?
SKINNER
Martin and Eve. Such a tragedy.
SKINNER goes to pull off. ANGEL stands in front of his ear.
ANGEL
Mr Skinner, could you tell me how you knew the identity of the persons involved?
SKINNER
Of course. You know how it is, news travels fast.
SKINNER pulls away fast. ANGEL watches his MG go and makes a note of the personalised numberplate ’SKINN3R’. Behind AMANDA PAVER pulls up on her bicycle and talks to DANNY.
AMANDA PAVER
What’s happened, Danny?
DANNY
A traffic collision...Why can’t we say ’accident’ again?
ANGEL
Because ’accident’ implies there’s no one to blame.
INT. STATION/C.I.D. OFFICE - DAY
WAINWRIGHT
What about him? Oh, put a sock in it town mouse!
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, you want to be a big cop in a small town, bugger off up the model village.
The ANDES sit in their office eating ice-cream. DANNY enters with another bowl, which ANGEL declines.
ANGEL
I’m just saying, things aren’t always simple as they look.
WAINWRIGHT
But most times they are. Let’s wait until Er. Hatchet comes back with something, before you go jumping the Kalashnikov.
ANGEL
Well, in the meantime, why not start by checking out some of Martin Blower’s clients?
WAINWRIGHT
Martin Blower represents damn near most of the village. You want us to go through the whole phone book? [two fingers]
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, we’ll put a call into Aaron A. Aaronson shall we?
ANGEL
Please don’t be childish. At least think about interviewing the widow? Mr Blower was clearly having an affair with Eve Draper.
WAINWRIGHT
And how did you establish that?
DANNY slams his fist on the table. ANGEL jumps.
DANNY
We sat through three hours of so-called acting last night. The kiss was the only convincing moment in it.
DANNY flashes a grin at a bemused ANGEL.
WAINWRIGHT
Alright, pipe down.
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, what else you got, Tango and Hutch?
ANGEL
Simon Skinner.
WAINWRIGHT
What about him?
ANGEL
He was acting suspiciously at the collision scene.
CARTWRIGHT
He runs the local supermarket.
WAINWRIGHT
Anything else?
ANGEL
Skid marks.
Cartwright giggles.
WAINWRIGHT
Now who’s being childish?
ANGEL
There were no skid marks at the scene. Don’t you think it’s a little strange that Mr. Blower would lose control of the car and not think to apply his brakes?
For the flrst time, the ANDES do not have an answer.
ANGEL (cont’d)
If there are no skid marks it follows that for three hundred yards the driver and the passenger made no attempt to prevent their fate. You don’t have to be a detective to work that out.
DANNY
Yeah!
FRANK pops into the office. He’s also eating ice cream.
FRANK
You causing trouble?
ANGEL
I was talking to the ’detectives’ about the ’accident’.
DANNY
’Yeah’.
FRANK
Dreadful business. You free?
WAINWRIGHT & CARTWRIGHT
Yes they are.
FRANK
Good. Got a spot of bother up at Ellroy Farm. Old Arthur Webley’s been clipping hedgerows that don’t belong to him.
ANGEL
Yes sir?
FRANK
That’s it.
ANGEL
Yes sir.
INT. SQUAD CAR – DAY
DANNY drives a pissed off ANGEL up a dirt road. P.C. BOB WALKER is in the back. SAXON drools on ANGELS shoulder.
ANGEL Why do We used the dog? DANNY It’s not the dog we need.
EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
A White haired old farmer, ARTHUR WEBLEY stands at his door with a shotgun broken over his arm.
WEBLEY
Hedgizuhedgeinnit. loonlychopped etdowwnoozicoutn’tseethe View nomore. Wasshemoaninabout?
ANGEL
Right. (to Danny and Walker) What did he say?
PC WALKER
Eessad. A hedgeisahedge innit. Nee onlychoppedet dowwn cozee cun’t see t’voo nomore. Whas he moanin’ about?
ANGEL
Right. (to Danny) What did he say?
DANNY
He said a hedge is a hedge. He only chopped it down because it spoilt his view. What’s Reaper moaning about?
ANGEL
Mr. Webley, I appreciate your position but you can’t go around cutting down other people’s hedges without permission.
WEBLEY
Yarghspose.
PC WALKER
’Yargh he suppose’.
DANNY
’Yeah I suppose’.
ANGEL
Thank you .
DANNY/WALKER/WEBLEY
S’alroight.
ANGEL
(points at shotgun) Oh and Mr. Webley, I trust you have a license for that?
WEBLEY
Oharrghldozfortheesun.
PC WALKER
’Idoes for theesun’.
DANNY
He does for this one.
ANGEL
What do you mean by ’this one’?
ANGEL and DANNY peer in as WEBLEY opens the door to a huge outbuilding. The daylight illuminates...an enormous arsenal of antique firearms; RIFLES, SHOTGUNS, PISTOLS, BLUNDERBUSSES. It’s a museum of firepower.
DANNY
By the power of Grey Skull!
ANGEL
Where on Earth did you get these?
WEBLEY
Foundum.
DANNY
Found ’em.
ANGEL
And what is that?
ANGEL points to an enormous spiky sphere in the corner.
DANNY
Sea mine.
WEBLEY
Seemoine.
ANGEL
Well Mr. Webley, this is an extremely dangerous collection. It’s a wonder nobody’s been hurt before.
WEBLEY
Naaarrrgh. Iss juss a looda junk.
WEBLEY strikes the SEA MINE with his walking stick. ANGEL and DANNY’s faces go white. There is a resounding clang...
EXT. FARM - DAY
ANGEL, DANNY and WEBLEY come bursting out of the shed.
ANGEL
Run, run, run!
They run in heroic slow motion towards a nearby hedge. All three dive over the hedge and land with an enormous crunch. Seconds pass...Nothing...ANGEL and DANNY stand. They peer over the hedge. More seconds pass... Nothing. The animals moo.
ANGEL is now by his car, talking on the radio.
FISHER
You what?

ANGEL
No, apparently it's been deactivated. Over.

Behind, WEBLEY and DANNY stand with the sea mine.
WEBLEY
Thassroit. (hits the seamine) Deeaaktiyaded.
ANGEL
Yes, it’s not live.
DANNY
(kicks seamine) Looks live.
FISHER
Alright.
INT. STATION - DAY
FLASHCUTS; ANGEL and DANNY march in with armfuls of guns, the curly haired DESK SERGEANT tags them, the evidence room is filled (with the SEA MINE is stored on a high shelf}.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – DUSK
The duo are putting on civilian clothes.
ANGEL
That was a quite an impressive haul today, Constable Butterman.
DANNY
Maybe we should do something to celebrate...unless you have to water your Peace Lily.
ANGEL
What are you thinking exactly?
DANNY
I don’t know. [sprays deodorant] Pub?
INT. THE CROWN " NIGHT
The pub is heaving with a huge cross section of people; Neighbourhood Watch, off duty police, even FRANK.
MARY PORTER
Right you are my love.
ROY PORTER
Yes sir, what can I get you?
DANNY
Pint of lager, please Roy. And what can I get you that isn’t a cranberry juice?
ANGEL
I don’t really want to get drunk.
DANNY
You can get a little drunk.
ANGEL
Okay I’ll have one.
DANNY
That’s what I’m talking about!
ANGEL
What’s your wine selection?
RUY PORTER
Oh, we’ve got red...or white.
ANGEL
Pint of lager, please Roy.
DANNY
Yeaaaah Roy.
ANGEL spies the ANDES at the bar and wanders over.
ANGEL
Any developments from early?
WAINWRIGHT
Yeah, CSI found nothing, Dr. Hatcher reported no misadventure, Mrs. Blower has four alibis.
FISHER
Come on Sergeant, it’s not your job to investigate this incident is it? Is it?
WAINWRIGHT AND CARTWRIGHT
No it isn’t.
ANGEL and DANNY sit down. ANGEL scribbles in his notebook.
DANNY
You don’t switch off do you?
ANGEL
You sound like my ex.
DANNY
Why, did she have a deep voice? ANGEL No, she always used to accuse me of not being able to switch off.
DANNY
Well you are always thinking away.
ANGEL
It’s what I do.
DANNY
No, no I think it’s amazing. I mean what made you want to he a policeman
ANGEL
Officer.
DANNY
What made you want to be a policeman-officer?
ANGEL
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to he a police officer, apart from the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit The Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek. He was a Sergeant in the Met. Gave me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode it around every moment I was awake, arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot but it didn’t stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.
DANNY
Sounds like a good bloke.
ANGEL
Actually, he was arrested for selling drugs to students.
DANNY
What a cunt.
ANGEL
He most likely bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say I never went near it again. I let it rust. But I never forgot that clear sense of right and wrong I felt at the wheel of that pedal car and I refused to accept that corruption was the inevitable consequence of authority. I had to prove to myself that the law could be proper and righteous and for the good of humankind. I knew then, I was destined to be a police officer.
DANNY
Shame.
ANGEL
How so?
DANNY
I think you would’ve made a great muppet.
ANGEL laughs. It’s the first time we have seen him do this.
ANGEL
So, what made you want to be a police officer?
DANNY
Dad does it...I think after Mum died, it’s what he wanted. Keep me close by.
ANGEL
Do you mind if I ask how she died?
DANNY
Traffic collision. ANGEL I’m sorry. DANNY Aw, don’t worry...watch this. DANNY sticks a fork in his eye, scarlet squirts everywhere. ANGEL Jesus Christ?
DANNY Aw, mye eye! Ta-daaaa!
DANNY reveals a TOMATO KETCHUP sachet. ANGEL laughs.
DANNY (cont’d)
Get ’em in silly bollocks... FLASH CUTS. The night wears on. The glasses on the table multiply. DANNY and ANGEL are both tipsy and enjoy each other’s company. DANNY beats ANGEL at bar skittles. LATER. ANGEL finds his way to the bar. He sees a beaming SIMON SKINNER sitting at the bar with another gentleman.
SKINNER
Ah, 777. Do join us. You’ve met George Merchant haven’t you?
GEORGE MERCHANT is drunk and morose. ANGEL sits at the bar.
MERCHANT
Good evening offisher...
SKINNER
We were just talking about the accident. Dreadful business.
MERCHANT
I’d come to know Martin and Eve very well of late. Such a losssh.
SKINNER
What say we drink to their demise?
ANGEL
Isn’t it drink to their memory?
SKINNER
Of course. Cheers.
GEORGE MERCHANT
I mussh go to the little boyssh room.
MERCHANT falls off his stool. He is remarkably short.
MERCHANT
I’m alright!
SKINNER
‘Little’ being the operative word. He’ll be in bits tomerrow.
SKINNER moves off. ANGEL watches him go, swivelling on his stool. It’s a cool moment. Until ANGEL slips off his seat.
FRANK
Think somebody needs to go home.
ANGEL
I’m not that drunk sir.
FRANK Not you. Him.
FRANK points to GEORGE MERCHANT who stands in the corner, with his nob out, pissing into the coin tray of a fruit machine.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
ANGEL and DANNY carry GEORGE MERCHANT along the street. He is unconscious, his feet not touching the ground.
DANNY
Hey, we did get a little drunk. Geddit? It’s funny ’cos he’s little.
They go past the gates to Merchant’s home....
ANGEL
Oh, good grief.

DANNY
It's hardly in keeping with the village's rustic esthetic, is it?
… and drop him at the door. MERCHANT is suddenly awake. His eyes glazed.
MERCHANT Jussst here. How much do I owe youss?
DANNY
Twenty quid.
MERCHANT gives DANNY £20.
ANGEL gives it back.
ANGEL
Thank you and here’s your change.
MERCHANT
Buh-bye.
MERCHANT disappears inside. ANGEL and DANNY walk away.
ANGEL
I wouldn’t want to be him in the morning. They walk out of shot, revealing...A CLOAKED FIGURE!
INT. GEORGE MERCHANT’S HOUSE - NIGHT
A light flicks on. We see GEORGE MERCHANT stumbling around his hall. We also the CLOAKED FIGURE watching, waiting...
EXT. DANNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
DANNY and ANGEL arrive at DANNY’s front door. DANNY Well, this is me. ANGEL I shall see you in the morning.
DANNY
Unless you wanna come in for a coffee?
ANGEL
I don’t drink coffee.
DANNY
Tea?
ANGEL
No, no caffeine after midday.
DANNY
How about another beer?
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
A fridge opens...We see a number of bottled beers... GEORGE MERCHANT grabs a beer and swigs it as he staggers to the toilet. Outside the CLOAKED FIGURE watches. MERCHANT put his beer on the cistern and has a piss...He flushes, zips up and retrieves his beer from the cistern. As he stands back up, behind him we see... The CLOAKED FIGURE. Who strikes him with a cudgel. Bang!
INT. DANNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
ANGEL drops down onto DANNY’s sofa and surveys the untidy room. DANNY appears to be living out of cardboard boxes.
ANGEL
When did you move in?
DANNY enters from the kitchen with two cans of beer.
DANNY
About five years ago.
ANGEL
You should get some pot plants.
DANNY
Oh yeah?
ANGEL
Yes, I’ve been tending my Peace Lily for three years now. It oxygenates the room, it helps me think, it relieves stress. Its needs are simple. Janine said I loved my Lily more than her.
DANNY
Is that why you split up?
ANGEL
What?
DANNY
Cos’ you dunnit with a plant.
ANGEL
No, it was more about being obsessed with the job.
DANNY
But, that’s good though innit?
ANGEL
I don’t know, I did miss a few dinners, parties, a birthday or two…
DANNY
Well I mean –
ANGEL
-her dad’s funeral. I just want to be good at what I do.
DANNY
You are good at what you do. You’ve just got to learn to switch off that big melon.
ANGEL
You know Danny, I don’t know how.
DANNY
I’ll show you how.
DANNY opens a cupboard that is stacked full of alphabetized videos. It’s the most ordered area of the entire flat.
ANGEL
By the power of Greyskull.
DANNY carefully selects two tapes.
DANNY
Point Break or Bad Boys 2?
ANGEL
Which one do you think I’ll prefer?
DANNY
No, I mean which one do you wanna watch first?
ANGEL
You are pulling my leg?
INT. GEORGE MERCHANT’S KITCHEN - NIGHT
MERCHANT is dragged by his feet and dumped into a kitchen chair...GLOVED HANDS empty beans into a pan... Bacon is fried...Gas taps are turned on full...Gas hisses...
INT. DANNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Keanu Reeves shooting up in the sky screaming “aargh”, something Danny imitates.
INT. GEORGE MERCHANT’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Hiss...GLOVED HANDS light a candle in the living room. Hiss...MERCHANT lies motionless in the chair....Hiss...
INT. DANNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
DANNY and ANGEL are on the sofa. ’Point Break’ ends.
DANNY Whaddya think?
ANGEL Well, I won’t argue that it’s a no holds barred, adrenaline fuelled thrill ride but there’s no way you could perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem without incurring a considerable amount of paperwork.
DANNY
That’s nothing man. This is about to go off!
EXT. GEORGE MERCHANT’S HOUSE - NIGHT
KA-BOOOOOOM. MERCHANT’s flaming body flies through the air.
INT. DANNY’S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING
DANNY’s head rests on ANGEL as they sleep on the sofa. Daylight fills the room as ’Bad Boys 2’ blares from the TV.
MARTIN LAWRENCE
This shit just got real!
The phone rings. They open their eyes at the same time.