Homestuck Pages 370-430

> Rose: Attach a W to face as a fake moustache.

This is incredibly silly, and you're not sure how it fits into your campaign against your mother, OR getting your computer back online to escape your doom!

But it's hard to resist getting a little silly sometimes. Especially when you are absolutely positive no one is watching.

> Rose: Captchalogue W.

W > L. W > V.

> ==>

But that unsightly void in the W pack won't do, nor will the gash in the plastic.

You deposit 12 CENTS in its place, which is your approximation of the letter's value. You also make a vow to return later and neatly sew the plastic shut.

> Rose: Think of ways to one-up mother.

You now wonder how to address the pillow situation. It seems the woman has you at a clear disadvantage.

Perhaps slipping a fresh doily under the pillow will do the trick? Or maybe spilling a bit of WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE on it, and then having it dry-cleaned and returned along with a laboriously ingratiating apology note? No, there's no time for anything like that. Or maybe (just thinking out loud here) you could use the entire pack of W's as M's? Oh yes, that would burn.

But you've already done something with that W pack, and there's no need to go back and gild that lily. This is delicate business. And that pillow is screaming for rebuttal.

> Rose: Captchalogue velvet pillow.

You decide to take the VELVET PILLOW and lovingly embroider a poem in praise of MOTHERHOOD on it. Hopefully you can pull this off before she notices it's gone.

Ve > L. Ve < Vi. Ve > U.

But it causes your tree to be pretty badly unbalanced. It surely will AUTO-BALANCE itself in a moment.

> ==>

And just like that, the UMBRELLA becomes accessible in the ROOT CARD. That's one of the things you love about the TREE MODUS. The happy surprises.

> Rose: Head out the back door.

Ok, enough's enough. Time to get goiAUGH

> ==>

You don't know how she does that. You're never safe in this house.

And of all things to be doing during a power outage. She's up to her IRONIC HOUSEWIFE routine again. That mop bucket doesn't even have any water in it! What an absolute madwoman.

> Rose: Hop over counter, landing in a roll.

This bird's gotta fly!

> ==>

> ==>

Lousy goddamn stupid wizards.

> Meanwhile, in the past again.

You're almost done patching up the hole in your window with the GAFFER TAPE.

But it's sort of hard to get any work done when people keep pestering you all day. You guess you better get that.

> Dave: Answer chum.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:36 --

GG: hi dave!!
TG: hey sup
GG: not much sup with you!!
GG: bro! hehehe
TG: haha
TG: good one
TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes
GG: great! feeling cool today?
GG: mr cool guy?
TG: oh man you know it
GG: sooooo cooooooool!!!
TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here
TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you
GG: :D
GG: so have you talked to john today???
TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex
TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous
GG: lol
GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun!
TG: what was it you use again...
TG: wait nm
TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john
GG: :)
GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package!
TG: oh yeah
TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet
GG: i think it did!
TG: yeah?
GG: and i think mine came too
TG: so uh
TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something?
GG: no!!!!!!!
GG: he will not open it
GG: he will lose it!!!
TG: oh
TG: uh
TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess?
GG: no its good actually!
GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it
GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place!
TG: see like
TG: i never get how you know these things
GG: i dont know
GG: i just know that i know!
TG: hmm alright
GG: anyway i have to go!
GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking
TG: man
TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off
GG: heheheh!
GG: i dont think i could if i tried!!!
TG: yeah
TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok
GG: ._.
GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain
GG: it is usually........
GG: intense!!!
TG: well yeah isnt it always with family
TG: but he sounds like a total badass
GG: yeah he totally is!!!
GG: anyway gotta go!
TG: see ya
GG: <3

> Dave: Get phone.

It will be handy to have your PHONE (2+2+1+2+1 = 8%10 = 8) on standby so you won't always have to go back to your computer whenever someone pesters you. This way you can TEXT MESSAGE (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+2+1+2+1 = 18%10 = 8) people no matter where you are or what outrageously cool thing you're up to.

> ==>

SO.

COOL.

> JOHN, PURSUE ADVERSARY INTO THAT ROOM.

And even meanerwhile, in the present. Sort of.

Once again, the slippery antagonist eludes you. You only find more of these unpleasant oily smears.

Someone is pestering you. Both your PDA and computer register the message.

> THIS CHUM WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO.

TG: alright
TG: im out of my room now looking for my bros game
EB: oh, good!
EB: yeah, there is no sign of rose yet, i hope she is ok
TG: well if she comes back ill be ready
TG: you better know what youre talking about cause this could get ugly
TG: brought my phone and i also took my awesome katana with me in case things get too hot to handle
TG: and they always do
EB: you mean that cheap piece of shit you have on your wall?
TG: FU
TG: its sharp and its awesome and its a sword
TG: end of story
EB: ok i don't really care.
EB: i'm in my room again, i really think there's someone else in this house.
EB: like monsters or something.
TG: howie???
EB: haha I WISH.
TG: dude monsters arent real
TG: thats stupid kids stuff for stupid babies
EB: maybe. yeah you're right.
TG: what are you an idiot
TG: of course there are monsters in your house
TG: youre in some weird evil monster dimension come on
TG: skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes
TG: like hey mom dad theres a dinosaur or a ghost or whatever in my room. "yeah right junior go back to bed"
TG: fuck you mom and dad how many times are we going to watch this trope unfold it wasnt goddamn funny the first time i saw it
TG: just once id like to see dad crap his pants when a kid says theres a vampire in his closet
TG: "OH SHIT EVERYONE IN THE MINIVAN"
TG: be fuckin dad of the year right there
EB: ok ok stop!
EB: what do i do?
TG: what do you have a hammer
TG: man so lame
TG: ok whatever
TG: you should look into weaponizing your sylladex
TG: my bro is always getting on my case about it but man its not as easy as it sounds
TG: but if youre fighting monsters left and right you dont have much choice
EB: hmm...
EB: ok, i guess i can read up on data structures some more.
EB: how's it going there?
TG: im out in the living room hes usually here
TG: but i dont see him
TG: might be playing his mind games hes always pulling this ninja shit
TG: all i see is lil cal over there so i guess he cant be far
EB: hahaha.
EB: oh god.
EB: SO LAME.
TG: what
EB: see...
EB: i just don't know why you think it's cool.
EB: his ventriloquist rapping thing.
TG: oh lil cal? no man
TG: lil cal is the shit
EB: that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, i am just saying that being a white guy who is a rapper with a ventriloquist doll is not cool by any stretch of the imagination or by any definition of word cool, ironic or otherwise. that's all i'm saying.
TG: yeah bullshit
TG: cal is dope
TG: puppets are awesome
TG: john egbert blows
TG: the end
EB: yeah, more like the opposite of all those things is the thing that is true!
EB: i'm going to read.
EB: good luck with your bro.

> READ YOUR BOOK. STAY WARY OF THESE FOES.

Pff. Monsters.

Only retarded babies who poop in their diapers believe in that stuff.

> [S] Rose: Youth roll right out the front door.

> ==>

It looks like MOM has satisfied her [S] STRIFE! quota for the day. She simply returns to her housework.

No point in going out the front door anymore. Might as well head out the back, like you originally planned.

> Rose: First, be the pony. Second, trample Mom.

You can't be this stupid pony, and frankly you can't imagine why anyone would want to!

But you give the pony a begrudging pat on the snout anyway.

Her name is MAPLEHOOF.

> JOHN TURN AROUND!!!!!

You're TRYING to read, ok? This book is already unpleasant enough as it is without weird voices in your head nagging you to do things.

Besides, I thought we already agreed there's no such thing as monsters.

> ==>!!!

Fine, you'll interrupt your reading and turn around, but you don't see what could possibly be so oh my god it's a monster.

> [S] ==>==>==>!!!!!!!!!

> Rose: Exit.

You leave through the back door.

Nearby is the TRANSFORMER which distributes electricity from the UNDERGROUND GENERATOR powered by the river flowing beneath your house.

The transformer was struck by lightning though, and no longer works. You wonder if your mother has any plans to have it fixed. You guess she'd rather just play her mind games in a dark house like a weirdo.

You can see the MAUSOLEUM and the PORTABLE GENERATOR across your back yard. You're almost there.

> Rose: Use umbrella.

> ==>

You regather your items and begin the soggy trek mausoleum-ward.

> [S] GET UP JOHN, THIS IS NO TIME FOR SLUMBER.

> Rose: Forget the W and make haste to the mausoleum.

Retrieving the W never even crossed your mind. It's just a stupid magnet.

> ==>

> [S] JOHN, SALVAGE YOUR WEAPON AND FIGHT ON!

> YOU SAID

> PUT THE BUNNY

> BACK IN

> THE BOX!!!!!!

Now why couldn't he put the bunny back in the box?

> NOW EXULT. VICTORY, SPOILS ARE YOURS.

The amazing victory allows you to scale the first two ACHIEVEMENT RUNGS on your ECHELADDER. You are now a PLUCKY TOT, with a new feather in your cap to show for it.

The ECHELADDER rewards your bold ascent with 125 BOONDOLLARS. You waste little time in storing them in your CERAMIC PORKHOLLOW.

Additionally, climbing the rungs has boosted your GEL VISCOSITY and CACHE LIMIT.

> ==>

By expanding your CACHE LIMIT, you've made room for all that nice grist you just collected. You now have 32 fragments of BUILD GRIST, and 10 fragments of SHALE.

> WHAT ABOUT THAT CARD.

It seems the SHALE IMP had allocated the BUNNY to its STRIFE SPECIBUS.

Sort of a stupid thing to use for a weapon, but you might as well grab it, and stick the BUNNY in your STRIFE DECK while you're at it. It will at the very least be safer there.

> OK.

You group the two SPECIBI in your STRIFE PORTFOLIO.

No self-respecting strifer would be caught dead without one.

> GATHER THE SCATTERED BITS OF YOUR LARGE HAMMER.

Oddly enough, it seems breaking the SLEDGEHAMMER altered the ABSTRATUS from HAMMERKIND to HANDLEKIND, even going as far as expelling the head of your smaller HAMMER from your deck to force compliance. You didn't even notice in the heat of the battle.

You grab the SLEDGEHAMMER HANDLE, expelling the useless HARLEQUIN FIGURINE.

> NOW REPAIR THE HAMMER.

You merge the SLEDGEHAMMER HEAD with its HANDLE, and return it to your STRIFE DECK, repairing the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS in the process.

The smaller HAMMER HANDLE is ejected from the deck, since of course handles of any sort no longer belong in there. Obviously.

> FINE. NOW WHAT

Dave is pestering you. But you don't have time to deal with his nonsense right now.

Something is amiss in your room. You can't quite put your finger on it...

> ==>

> Rose: Hurry and activate the generator!

You fire up the GENERATOR and drag a cord into the MAUSOLEUM.

It of course would be foolish to run the GENERATOR inside a confined space. GENERATOR SAFETY is everyone's business.

> Rose: Defile tomb.

Sorry, Jaspers. Have to make space for the LAPTOP.

Besides, your final resting place is already a mockery. You should have decomposed years ago under a bed of petunias like a normal cat. Not given to a taxidermist and fitted with a tiny, custom-tailored suit, and then stuffed in a coffin built for infants.

> Rose: Plug in your laptop.

You plug in your LAPTOP and connect to the internet signal again.

Everything predictably falls out of your SYLLADEX, but you're not about to get bent out of shape about it. You have bigger fish to fry.

Looks like Dave noticed you're back online. He pesters you like clockwork.

And there's John. What on earth is he up to now?

> THE DOOR, JOHN. LOOK AT THE DOOR.

You're right. Didn't Rose yank the door off its hinges and prop it on your bed?

Someone or something has put it back and left it slightly ajar.

> INCREDIBLY ALARMING. INVESTIGATE.

HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

> [S] WHAT THIS IS SO OUTRAGEOUS

> Rose: Pester John.

TG: oh there you are
TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what
TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.
TG: oh well thats a relief
TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now
TT: Working on it?
TG: yeah my bros copy long story
TG: hey
TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets
TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little
TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?
TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all
TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever
TG: or semi-semi ironic
TG: man i dont even know
TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up
TT: I've seen his websites.
TT: I like them.
TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD
TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that
TG: with those dead eyes jesus
TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out
TT: Interesting...
TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream
TG: youre going to have a field day with that
TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.
TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.
TG: yeah im gonna get moving
TG: oh have you heard from john
TG: hes not answering me
TT: He won't answer me either.
TT: But I am watching him.
TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.
TG: hahahahaha
TG: alright im out
TG: later

> INTERROGATE THIS MADWOMAN.

JOHN: um... nanna?
NANNASPRITE: Yes, dear!
JOHN: wow, you scared the living daylights out of me!
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!
JOHN: well, i guess it was a really great prank. good one nanna.
JOHN: anyway, are you REALLY my dead nanna?
NANNASPRITE: Of course, John! I have come back to help you on your journey through The Medium and beyond! I am delighted to see what a fine young man you have turned out to be. Just like your father!
JOHN: ok, i guess i will take your word for it. i don't remember you at all! my dad said i was really young when you died.
JOHN: hey speaking of which, do you know where he is??? i looked everywhere for him!

> ==>

NANNASPRITE: Your father was kidnapped!
JOHN: oh no!
NANNASPRITE: When you crossed over to The Medium, he was apprehended by the very forces of darkness which your presence here has awakened.
JOHN: what? ok, so what is the medium you are talking about?
NANNASPRITE: It is where we are now! A realm that is a ring of pure void, dividing light and darkness. It turns in the thick of The Incipisphere, a place untouched by the flow of time in your universe.
JOHN: you mean because we are inside a computer, or in the game software or something?
NANNASPRITE: A computer? Why, what is that, dear? Some new fangled contraption, like the horseless auto-boxcar?
JOHN: well, uh, it's like this machine that, uh...
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo! Of course I know what a computer is, John! I was just pulling your leg! Hoo hoo hoo!
JOHN: oh, ok.
NANNASPRITE: No, John. You are not inside a computer or software or anything like that! Try not to be so linear, dear. The software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway! Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has!
JOHN: i'm not sure i get it, but alright.
JOHN: so what do i actually need to be doing here?
NANNASPRITE: I think it would be best if we started with the big picture!

> [S] GO ON. ==>

NANNASPRITE: Above The Medium, beyond The Seven Gates, residing at the core of The Incipisphere is a place known as Skaia.

NANNASPRITE: Legend holds that Skaia exists as a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. What does this mean, you ask? I'm afraid my lips are sealed about that, dear! Hoo hoo!

NANNASPRITE: But needless to say, where a realm of such profound importance is concerned, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, while forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction!

> ==>

NANNASPRITE: And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate.

NANNASPRITE: Yes, they have dueled in this manner forever... that is, until you showed up!

> ME?? ==>

JOHN: ME??

NANNASPRITE: Yes, you, John!

NANNASPRITE: Before your mishap with my ashes, you may recall the Sprite's previous incarnation, which resulted from its Kernel's "hatching".

NANNASPRITE: You see, this hatching occurs automatically in response to your arrival! The result is a pair of Kernels, one dark, one light, each carrying the information they were prototyped with before the hatch!

NANNASPRITE: One goes down, to a kingdom entrenched in darkness. The other, up, to a kingdom basking in light! Each comes to rest in an Orb atop a Spire, of which there are three others in kind. The Four Spires are situated above a throne, and these two thrones preside over the two respective Sovereign Powers!

NANNASPRITE: And once the Kernels are situated, that is when the game is afoot. The true war begins, light versus dark, good versus evil.

NANNASPRITE: This is a war that the forces of light are always destined to lose, without exception!

> A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN. ==>

JOHN: wow, really? then what's the point?

NANNASPRITE: That remains for you to find out, dear! For you see, the journey you are about to take is The Ultimate Riddle!

JOHN: whoa!!!

NANNASPRITE: For now, your objective is to proceed towards Skaia, and pass through The First Gate situated directly above your house, not even terribly far! The Gates will become progressively more difficult to reach, so you had better be prepared to sharpen your adventuring skills!

JOHN: how am i supposed to get up there?

NANNASPRITE: You build!

> ==>!

JOHN: ok, i think i get it now!
JOHN: so i guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? well, i don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then i can save my dad!
NANNASPRITE: Yes, John!
JOHN: and then after that, we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save earth from destruction!!!
NANNASPRITE: Oh no, I'm afraid not!

> ==>?

NANNASPRITE: Your planet is done for, dear! There is nothing you can do about that!
JOHN: oh...
NANNASPRITE: Your purpose is so much more important than saving that silly old planet, though!
JOHN: and that is?
NANNASPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

> YES I WILL HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE FLOAT HAG ABOUT THAT.

NANNASPRITE: John, you are such a good boy! I know you will succeed.
JOHN: thanks, nanna.
NANNASPRITE: You are a good boy, and good boys deserve treats!
JOHN: hooray!
NANNASPRITE: I am going to go bake you some cookies.
JOHN: ...

> THE HAG MENTIONED COOKIES. PURSUE HER.

Oh God dammit, that's just what you need. More baked goods.

> JOHN YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO COOKIES. I COMMAND YOU TO GET THEM

You totally abjure the hell out of that idea.

You're so busy abjuring, you don't even notice Rose has been trying to pester you this whole time.