Homestuck Pages 248-308

> ACT 2 ==>

> [S] ==>

> ==>

The KERNEL divides. The two halves go their separate ways, leaving behind the SPRITE portion.

> BOY.

What is left of the SPRITE undergoes a mysterious transformation.

For a moment you thought you heard someone say "BOY", as if whispered in the periphery of your awareness.

It was probably just your imagination though.

> [S] YOU THERE. BOY.

> BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND.

For the last time, this boy's name is John!!!

> FINE. JOHN. RETURN TO YOUR QUARTERS.

You go back up to your bedroom, tiptoeing around this weird petroleum-based sludge.

> NOW JOHN. RESPOND TO YOUR FRIEND UNIT.

TT: John?
TT: Are you there?
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! --
EB: hey, yeah i'm here!
EB: and not dead i think.
TT: I know.
TT: I've been watching you scramble through the house like a lunatic.
TT: You should have answered me sooner.
EB: oh man, sorry, i was looking around for my dad and i can't find him anywhere!
EB: have you seen him?
TT: No. I'm sure he'll turn up.
TT: We have more important things to address right now.
EB: yeah, like where am i??
TT: I don't know that either. But I've determined your neighborhood was destroyed by the meteor. Wherever you were transported, it saved you from the impact.
TT: I've been reading reports in the news. Over the last few days, there have been many smaller meteor collisions with people's homes around the world.
TT: And they seem to be getting bigger. Yours was the biggest they've identified so far.
EB: wow, ok.
EB: so then i guess if this is all the game's doing, then the point is for us to save the world?
TT: Perhaps.
EB: then we'd better get moving and figure this game out!!!
TT: Yes, but wait.
TT: We should retrieve your PDA. Yet again.
TT: It will help to keep tabs on each other while you investigate.
TT: I think I can get you closer to it, if I can replenish our grist supply somewhat.
TT: There may be a way to recycle some that we already used.
EB: ok.
TT: I'll meet you out on the balcony.
EB: wait, rose! one thing...
TT: What?
EB: you never even wished me a happy birthday!
EB: um... hello?
TT: I was working on something to send you, but I was running late with it.
TT: I didn't want you to think I believed meager well wishes alone would suffice for the occasion.
TT: That said, happy birthday, John.
EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly!
EB: anyway, thanks!

> FIRST, TAKE THE FABRIC ITEM ON THE FLOOR THERE.

The TOWEL? Why?

Oh well, you're the boss. You captchalogue the TOWEL. What now?

> DO AS THE PURPLE TEXT SAYS. TO THE BALCONY.

John makes his way to the balcony per your awkwardly-worded request.

> WAIT. TAKE THAT. THE BLUE WOBBLY THING.

You whimsically decide to captchalogue the TOTEM which was used to create the APPLE TREE earlier.

> JOHN. RECYCLE THE GRIST AS WAS DICTATED BY YOUR COHORT.

John cannot do anything with the GRIST as of this moment! That is up to the Sburb player.

> I SEE. ==>?

Yes, that will suffice.

Rose deletes the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS. 6 units of BUILD GRIST are restored to your GRIST CACHE.

> ==>

Rose expends the GRIST to drag a new plank from the balcony in the direction of the PDA.

> JOHN RUN ACROSS PRECARIOUS PLATFORM SWIFTLY.

John isn't sure about that. It's a long way down.

> BOY I SAID MAKE HASTE ON THE NARROW CATWALK!

John is very nervous about the idea, and the strident tone of your commands is starting to make him a little upset!

> FINE. PROCEED AS YOUR LEVEL OF COMFORT DICTATES.

You cautiously walk within range of the PDA. Rose retrieves it.

> NOW TAKE IT.

You grab the PDA, launching one of the HARLEQUIN FIGURINES into the night.

You can kiss that one goodbye.

> ==>==>

Just one ==> command will suffice. Thanks.

It looks like you're not the only one trying to locate your father after the disaster.

> THESE BORING MEN ARE UNINTERESTING.

TT: John, are you ok?
TT: You seem a bit tentative.
EB: i'm fine i guess.
EB: since i got here i feel compelled to do these weird things i don't really want to do.
EB: by some kind of voice that i can't really even hear. i don't know, it is hard to explain.
TT: Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?
EB: yeah, maybe. who knows!
TT: Well, if you can pull yourself together, there are a few more things we should try.
TT: Like prototyping the Kernelsprite again, if possible.
TT: We should hurry. My laptop battery won't last forever.
EB: Ok. I will go back inside.

> NO DON'T DO THAT. HOP OFF THIS LEDGE ON TO THAT CAR.

What? No! That sounds incredibly dangerous!

> ==>==>==>==>==>

Now you're just being a pest.

Which turnip truck did you just tumble out of, anyway?

Who are you?

> Years in the future, but not many...

An unsealed tunnel welcomes hot desert air into its stagnant depths.

> ==>

==================================================================================
[A000] An Examination of the Basics
==================================================================================

Upon connecting with the client user, you, the server user, will be met with a control panel allowing you to manipulate your co-player's environment. You will find that you are allowed to deploy four items at no expense. Three of these are rather large machines, and one is a punch card.

It's quite possible that you have already deployed some of these items before reading this. If this is the case, and you have activated the machine called the "cruxtruder" such that it displays a countdown, YOU MUST PROCEED TO SECTION [A100] OF THIS WALKTHROUGH IMMEDIATELY. The life of the client user depends on it, and if
your co-player has activated this device in your environment too, then yours does as well.

But if not, please refrain from doing anything with the cruxtruder, aside from merely deploying it. This will buy us some time to think things through properly, and to go over the basics of the game before you find your soft, easily-punctured head in the jaws of the lion.

As mentioned, there are four items to consider, each playing a role in a process which appears to have a singular purpose: to manufacture objects out of thin air. The designers of the game, judging by the language used, regard this process as a sort of alchemy. This may allude to complexities in the production process yet to present themselves. But for now, the variety of objects you are able to create remains quite limited.

The items in question are the CRUXTRUDER (again, tread lightly with this one), the TOTEM LATHE, the ALCHEMITER, and the PRE-PUNCHED CARD. I will describe how these devices work in conjunction with each other, and I will use the analogy of having a
key made at a hardware store to help you understand.

First, deploy all of these objects in convenient proximity to each other. Be sure not to block doors or pathways with them. You can always "revise" the dimensions of rooms to make space for them, but I'd advise against this, or even experimenting with the function. Doing so comes at the expense of "build grist", a commodity
which appears to be at a premium at the onset, and one you'd best be advised to save for later.

-- THE CRUXTRUDER --

Removing the lid signals the moment your life becomes a great whirling batshit pandemonium, somewhat resembling the chaos of an especially ethnic wedding. Somewhere, a soused uncle deliberately shatters china on the floor. Muddy livestock is decorated, and then lost track of. The question "Who's mule is this?" at times can be heard over the din. This is now your reality.

But aside from that, it marks the beginning of the process I am about to describe. The countdown begins, yes. Also, an entity called the "Kernelsprite" is released. But neither of these things are all that relevant to this process, to my knowledge. More on these things later.

What is relevant is the un-lidded cruxtruder's ability to dispense "cruxite dowels". It will dispense at least one, though I suspect it is capable of producing more, given parameters I'm not yet familiar with. In my key-making analogy, these dowels represent the uncarved pieces of metal which the hardware store employee
retrieves from a drawer or a rack, and sets about carving into a key. The two following items are needed to do the carving.

-- THE PRE-PUNCHED CARD --

It is a simple sylladex card containing an item. There is evidence to suggest the specific item it contains is variable from session-to-session. The card I deployed contained a blue apple. Yours may be different. It shouldn't matter, hopefully.

Additionally, the card as you may guess is "punched", like one used with antique computing systems. The pattern of holes comprises data, which I believe corresponds to the instructions for creating the item the card contains. That it is "pre-punched" suggests there is a way to punch an un-punched card, possibly imprinting it with the data for the item it contains, though no mechanism for this
has presented itself yet.

But the data on the card cannot be used to create the item directly. There is a middleman. That middleman is the totem lathe.

-- THE TOTEM LATHE --

This is essentially the key carving machine. It will carve into your cruxite dowel a pattern of grooves and contours, the sort which makes a key unique. The instructions for this pattern are supplied by the punch card, which is inserted into the lathe pre-activation to configure its chisels.

Once the dowel is carved, you have a totem serving as your "key", which can then be used to "unlock" the card item through the alchemiter. But at this point, I will diverge from my key-making analogy and switch to a bar code analogy. Which is not a
terribly strenuous leap to make, since the concepts of a key and a bar code are essentially the same—one being a unique pattern of grooves; the other, of varying black lines.

-- THE ALCHEMITER --

If you place a cruxite dowel, carved or uncarved, on the alchemiter's small pedestal, its robotic arm will scan the contours with a laser. Hence the bar code analogy. This is the machine's way of reading the data originally imprinted from the card, and transforming that data into a physical object.

Though typically, this is not done without expense, I believe. An uncarved dowel results in the creation of a "perfectly generic object", which is a seemingly useless green cube. It costs two units of build grist to make, and I do not advise you to waste resources on it. There appears to be many other varieties of grist, ostensibly used in combinations to create different sorts of items, which possibly offers some insight into the game's use of the term "alchemy".

But quite conveniently, there is an exception to this. Creating the item on the pre-punched card costs nothing. This is good, because creating this item turns out to be essential.

Now that you know this, you can in your own time begin the process. Once you initiate it, naturally there is no going back, so best to be prepared. But you probably shouldn't drag your feet too long. As I mentioned earlier, this is your only means of escape.

When you're ready, be prepared to follow the steps in the next section swiftly.

==================================================================================
[A100] So your cruxtruder is ticking. Do this to live.
==================================================================================

> ==>

In the distance, meteorites fall with greater frequency. The fire in the forest burns so hot, not even the rain is putting it out!

> Rose: Check status of battery.

Your LAPTOP BATTERY is alright for now, but it won't be for long.

If the power in the house doesn't come back on, you can think of one last resort: the small BACKUP GENERATOR stored behind the MAUSOLEUM.

Your LAPTOP BATTERY is alright for now, but it won't be for long.

If the power in the house doesn't come back on, you can think of one last resort: the small BACKUP GENERATOR stored behind the MAUSOLEUM.

> Rose: Prototype sprite with Betty Crocker box.

EB: what? oh man, you're going to use that?
EB: that sucks, what a stupid idea!
TT: We have to hurry along. I'm running low on battery power.
EB: but the cake mix... ugh, that's so dumb.
TT: I doubt it matters.
TT: We might as well just use any old crap lying around.
EB: fine.
EB: i GUESS.

> ==>

The SPRITE is playing hard to get! You guess that's what you get for originally prototyping it with something that engenders mischief and pranksterism!

> DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE INSTEAD. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS.

Pipe down, you. This is Rose's decision, not yours!

> Rose: Prototype sprite with Sassacre text.

EB: OH YES, SWEET!!
EB: now we're talking!
TT: See if you can distract it.
TT: I'll try to sneak up on it.

> JOHN FLAIL ABOUT IN A DISTRACTING MANNER.

The SPRITE finds the DISTRACTING MANNER in which you FLAIL ABOUT to be rather DISTRACTING.

> ==>

The pesky SPRITE eludes you again! Not even the great Colonel himself can outfox it!!!

In narrowly missing with your attempt to create the COLONELSPRITE, you drop the massive tome. The entire house rattles under the astonishing girth of the book.

> ==>

In the other room, NANNA'S ASHES dump onto the SPRITE, which is caught unawares by the dousing.

> INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT.

You find the SACRED URN toppled again. This time you're quite sure it wasn't your fault!

The SPRITE is nowhere to be found.

> Rose: Remove cruxtruder from doorway.

EB: aw man, where'd it go?
TT: I can't find it anywhere in the house.
TT: No time to worry about it.
TT: The next thing we should do is get your server copy of the game from the car.
TT: You need to connect to my client, so I can repeat your steps and presumably join you, wherever you are.
TT: We should do this quickly, before my house burns down.
EB: what, there's a fire??
TT: There will be soon.
EB: oh jeez!
EB: so move this thing already!
TT: It looks like it requires a lot of grist to move.
TT: I don't have enough to relocate the door, either.
EB: how much do you have?
TT: Zero.
EB: oh.
EB: hmm.
EB: i thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that sounds really dangerous!
TT: I have a better idea.
TT: Meet me upstairs.

> DO AGAIN AS PURPLE WORDS SAY.

You are about to head upstairs, but you thought you heard something behind you.

It was faint, but you could swear it was a small, lighthearted chuckle. Along the lines of a spirited "Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

> ==>

> IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS.

You're not sure you even saw a woman, let alone any of her hypothetical antics. But whatever it was you might have caught a glimpse of, it sure gave you the willies.

You head upstairs on your way to the balcony. Your PDA is acting up again.

> INDULGE THE DEVICE. BUT BE CURT WITH IT.

TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes
EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!
TG: come on this is hells of ill just listen
EB: it sounds like you don't even believe me that i was about to get blown up!
EB: but i really was, but now im in some weird dimension that sburb sent me to or something.
EB: and now on top of that i think i'm being haunted by my dead grandma!
TG: huh
TG: for real
EB: yeah, it's true but i'll talk to you later about it!
TG: i think i could drop some sick rhymes about all this
EB: man, see i just don't think all the rapping stuff is really as cool as you think it is.
TG: no thisll be dope check it
EB: no, i have to go! bye!
TG: wait wait
TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us
TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous
TG: sending men in space for savin us
TG: see which playa's more couragerous
TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce
TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it
TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it
TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous
TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss
TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous
TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous
TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust
TG: wait
TG: uh
TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he
TG: ill have to make a rap about
TG: i dont know
TG: morgan freeman or something
TG: being the president
TG: itll be called
TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore"
TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on
TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies

> ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM THE RED TEXT.

You head out to the balcony to find out what Rose has in mind. She is messaging you again.

> THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS IRRATIONAL THAN THE RED TEXT.

TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony.
EB: whoa, ok.
TT: Once it is up, retrieve the game. Then I'll put it back down on the driveway.
EB: but the door is locked!
TT: Then break a window.
EB: but it's my dad's car :(
TT: It's just a window, and this is sort of an emergency.
TT: Otherwise I promise I'll handle the car with velvet gloves.
EB: alright.

> Rose: Pick up car.

> ==>

> RIDICULOUS FOLLY. INEXCUSABLE.

You're inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happen. You double check your PDA to make sure if Rose is really gone. Indeed this seems to be the case.

TG is still pestering you of course. But another chum is now logged in as well.

> WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS THAT THIS CHUM SAYS?

GG: im back!
EB: oh hi!
GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard
EB: was it by any chance a meteor?
GG: yes!!!!!
GG: how did you know??
EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story!
EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?
GG: no i am fine!
GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it
GG: and its pretty big!
GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it
GG: so i came home
GG: he seems to think its dangerous!
EB: well gosh, he's probably right!
GG: anyway what have you been up to john?
GG: oh!!!! did you get my package yet? :O
EB: er...
EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.
GG: oh no!
EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.
EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.
GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!
EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.
EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.
EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!!!
GG: O_O
GG: well.....
GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but.....
GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!
GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny
GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!
EB: wow, you think so?
GG: yes!
EB: well ok, BUT.
EB: it's not even that simple!
EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.
EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!
EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her!
EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.
GG: hahaha
GG: he is so silly!
EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.

> THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE. NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT AGAIN.

TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at
TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat
TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption"
TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin
TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension
TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned
EB: aaaaaarrrgh!
TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick
TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit
TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint
TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention
EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass!
EB: i have something important to talk about.
TG: whats up
EB: rose is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy!
TG: ok
EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down.
EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her!
TG: my copy?
TG: thats going to be tough
EB: why?
TG: i lost it
TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it
TG: shit be embarrassing yo
EB: i thought you said you had two?
TG: well yeah
TG: one is my brothers copy
EB: ok, well get his then!
TG: alright
TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that
EB: whatever.
EB: also you might want to read rose's walkthrough to get up to speed on this.
TG: oh man
EB: what?
TG: nothing really
TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know?
EB: /ROLLS EYES

> ==>

Your LAPTOP is out of BATTERY POWER. There's only one thing left to do. Time to make your way to that BACKUP GENERATOR.

> Rose: Knit laptop cozy to shield your laptop from the rain.

That would be such a waste of time!

Besides, you already knitted one a while ago. You retrieve it from your KNITTING BAG and apply it to your LAPTOP.

You captchalogue the LAPTOP PLUS COZY.

> Rose: Equip grimoire to strife specibus.

That would be incredibly ill-advised!

There are some dark forces you just don't want to mess around with. You understand this better than most.

You put the book down.

> Rose: Recaptchalogue your items!

You grab the KNITTING BAG and the GRIMOIRE, in that order. It's always a logistical puzzle with your TREE MODUS.

The tree AUTO-BALANCES, leaving the KNITTING BAG accesible in the ROOT CARD.

> Rose: Allocate knitting needles to strife specibus.

You feel a lot more comfortable with this as a weapon. You're so handy with those needles, you feel like you could probably use them to filet a sword fish.

> ==>

You lose the ROOT CARD in the process, severing the tree.

Hey, careful with all that stuff!

> Rose: Knit plush cuddle-cthulhu to soothe nerves.

That would also be a preposterous waste of time!!!

Besides, you're quite sure you've never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are however many other specimens of the ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS you're familiar with.

Such as...

> Rose: Consult the grimoire.

FLUTHLU, FOUL PATRICIAN OF MISERY. To hear his mammoth belly gurgle is to know the Epoch of Joy has come to an abrupt end.

> ==>

And NRUB'YIGLITH, SHAMEBEAST KING OF GROTESQUERY, WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks causes one's bones to explode.

> ==>

And of course there's OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE. Whenever he grinds his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere will frown continuously for a nine thousand year span. He is the first and smallest of the SMALLER GODS, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of MIDDLING GODS which caters to the whims of the NOBLE CIRCLE OF HORRORTERRORS, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the FURTHEST RING.

> ==>

And then there's this strange page containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. You've never been quite sure what these diagrams are getting at.

> Rose: Take items and proceed downstairs.

You re-captchalogue everything the way you want it to appear in the tree, and head downstairs.

You figure that's enough dilly-dallying. Time to get a move on!

> [S] ==>

You wonder if this rain will ever let up. It's driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knows to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threads these strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it fears impossible to play. And so it threads on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton.

How you hate this season.

"April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain." -American sports legend, Charles Barkley

> Rose: Confront mother in hall.

Surely your mother is lurking nearby. You should be prepared for an unpleasant confron...