Hire Me

[Intro]
Hello Mr Hughes
Hi
My name is Richard (nice to meet you)
I'll be interviewing you today, okay
So I've had a look at your CV (uh-huh)
Given your experience, in all honesty
Tell us how you might approach
Working for a company like ours
Honestly? (yeah)

[Verse 1]
Uh, I'll probably turn up early every day for my first week (first week)
Just to have you thinking im disturbingly keen (wow)
But the very next week, its unlikely I'll be heard from
Or seen 'till at least 9:30 it seems (where is he?)

And why you telling me we need to work as a team?
I'll be doddering around in a world of my dreams
And as for a dress code? (what?) Hell no (no)
If you want me in a suit, then I'll turn up in jeans

You might think that I'm half-witted
But when it comes to myself then im generally a harsh critic
I take on projects I can't finish
And leave people hanging right at the last minute

(Uh, that sounds a bit unprofessional)
So what?
Would you prefer it if I said I'm like a robot?
I'm just a broke joke bloke with no job
Who can't afford what his life costs

[Chorus]
I'm begging you to hire me
I'm not civility personified
I've never even had a job I liked
But please! Hire me
See I'm just trying to be the honest guy
Assuming that's what every boss would like
Go on, hire me
Cause right now I'm in a rut
Down to my last tenner on the first of the month
Please, hire me
Go on, hire me
Anyone? Hire me

[Verse 2]
I won't increase your turn over
I'll turn up hungover
Having spent the night on some sofa (oh shit)
It doesn't matter if I'm drunk or sober
I'm in the same shirt with the funky aroma (phew)

You can try and call me but I won't pick the phone up
I'll be online chatting with some other stoners
Talking about how shit my job is (shit)
But at least I get paid just to sit and talk bollocks (bollocks)

I went to uni twice but that's irrelevant
Did it for the hell of it (*laughing*)
Middle-class decadence
Wahey, I got some arts degrees
I was a, regular face on a whole lot of party scenes

My bank's still charging me
For some money those cunts loaned me back in '03 (cunts!)
Please let me know you're keen
Or just slip me some dough and I'll leave
I'll be so discrete!

[Chorus]
I'm not civility personified
I've never even had a job I liked
But please! Hire me
See I'm just trying to be the honest guy
Assuming that's what every boss would like
Go on, hire me
Cause right now I'm in a rut
Down to my last tenner on the first of the month
Please, hire me
Go on, hire me
Anyone? Hire me

[Verse 3]
Yo, Goldman Sachs won't
Hire me
The whole Civil Service won't
Hire me
Hewlett Packard won't
Hire me
The Evening Standard won't
Hire me
HSBC won't
Hire me
The SO 24 Hour garage won't
Hire me
Random House Publishing won't
Hire me
McDonalds! (ugh)