Hello, Darling

[PATTIE]
Hello darling
It's me, your mother
You're in my belly right now
And sometimes you kick me
Isn't that precious?
Isn't that precious?
Hey, guess what
I have no hands!

(spoken)
Just kidding

(singing)
I have hands but I just can't use them
Not yet at least
But just soon as the stitches heal
I had carpal tunnel
Both hands

All those years in Lodi took their toll
Sixteen years I worked in the Sunshine cupcake factory
Pumping cream into those ding-dong knock-offs
Sixteen years of
Squeezing, squeezing, squeezing that god-damn cream gun
I should sue
I should sue
I tried actually but they said I made the whole thing up
How crazy is that?
Why would I get operations on both hands
If I did not need them?

Anyway, darling
I have things to tell you
And this video may be the only way to do it
Because, well
There's a high probability that I might be dead soon!

So I won't be around when you're growing up
And this video is the only way for you to know who I was
And I want you to know who I was because
People are going to tell you things about me that just aren't true
Just aren't true
Just aren't true!

But darling
You have to defend me
You have to tell them that I was a lovely person
Caring and thoughtful
And funny
And that you have the tapes to prove it!

(whispered)
It's them

(singing)
The ones who are going to tell you lies about me
Don't believe a word they say
Not a word

To be continued, goodbye darling, Mommy loves you