Hassle: The Dorkening

I played Hassle: The Dorkening once
Had eighteen cards in my hand, all Muds
And I didn’t seem to need a mud card to win
Hadn’t tapped a Mud yet — then the other kid grinned
See, he’d just drawn a battalion of rolling explosions
Plus a card that made me frozen
Those and the roll of a twenty die did it
My last hit point had already got hitted
My last instant had already got acquitted
Got called twice in a turn dimwitted:
It didn’t swell up my ego much
I played Hassle: The Dorkening once

And I’ll make my own game up, and you won’t know
Which mode of the turn phase we’re in, and when to go
And how to lay down cards, and at what angle
I’ll have artifacts like Enchanted Kangol
And Mic of Spurious Rhyme Busting
And creatures like MC Chris On Robotussin
And MC Hawking (who tramples for ample damage)
The rules will be written in C++ and Spanish
And hit counters will increment only
The winner of the hand is the one who’s the most lonely
Because everyone quit
Mumbling about futility and shit