Harry Freakin’ Potter

[SEAMUS, spoken]
Bloody hell, it's Harry Pottah!

[ALL]
Yay!

[SEAMUS]
Seamus Finnigan's the name, Mr. Potter. I've gotta say, meeting you like this is a real treat! A real treat, Mr. Potter!

[HARRY]
Nice- Nice to meet you, Seamus.

[DEAN]
Yo, what up man? My name's Dean Thomas. You want some bubble gum?

[HARRY]
Yeah, I love bubble gum!

[NEVILLE]
Will you sign my Harry potter poster, Mr. Potter?

[HARRY]
Umm... sure! Who should I make it out to?

[NEVILLE]
Neville Longbottom, sir.

[HARRY]
Ok, Shlongbottom!

[CHO]
Ni hao, Harry Potter. My name is Cho Chang, y'all. You should stop by the Ravenclaw house sometime.

[HARRY]
Ron, what's going on here? Everyone's treating me like I'm famous or something.

[RON]
But Harry, you are!

[sung]
You're Harry freakin' Potter!
You don't understand
You're a legend, man
To us all

Every son and daughter

[ENSEMBLE]
Safe!

[RON]
From You-Know-Who
All because of you
You were small
But I wonder
If you can recall

Long story short
This guy
Voldemort
Was super cruel...

[HARRY, spoken]
Voldemort?

[ENSEMBLE gasps]
Shhh!

[RON, sung]
He tried to kill you
And your parents
And this is where it
Gets intensely cool

Even though you were
A tiny little boy
You shoulda died but you
Survived and then destroyed
This evil guy and it's
A story we enjoy to tell

[RON & ENSEMBLE]
You're Harry freakin' Potter!
We don't prefer
Gandalf
Merlin, or Oz

You're a whole lot hotter
With that lighting scar
You're a superstar to us all
If we're in trouble
We know who to call

[RITA, spoken]
Did someBODY say Harry Potter? Rita Skeeter here for the Daily Prophet. reporting to you live, dear readers, from Platform 9¾ where I just happened upon the original wiz kid himself:
Harry Potter, the Lad Who Lived! Now let's you and me get on the same level, HP. Where have you been for ten years? Are you excited to go to Hogwarts? Are you frightened for your life?

[HARRY]
Why would I be frightened for my life?

[RITA]
Well, ain't you cocksure? Know this, dear readers: HP, the eleven-year-old titan, shows no fear! Even in the face of a murderous dog like Sirius Black!

[HARRY]
Who's Sirius Black?

[RITA]
Who's Sirius Black? You don't know? He used to be your dad's best friend until he betrayed him to the Dark Lord and got him
killed. Yep, turns out he was a Death Eater! He killed thirteen duck before they caught him. And I mean people! He hates your guts! Wants you dead! He just escaped Azkaban, but it's no skin off your back, kid. You know why?

[sung]
You're Harry freakin' Potter!
I wouldn't wince at all
You're invincible
From all harm

Like Betty Crocker

[RITA & ENSEMBLE]
Oooh!

[RITA]
I wanna eat you up
No one'll beat you up
With that charm

Remember, Harry, kid
You're the boss
You're the king
You're the bomb!

[RITA, spoken]
Keep your nose clean, kid. And don't take any wooden Sickles.

[CONDUCTOR]
All aboard!

[MOLLY]
Goodbye, kids! I love you! Be safe!

[HARRY]
Ron, what's going on? This is just so... all... it's unreal!

[RON]
No, it's not! You're Harry Potter. You're the coolest goddamn kid in the entire world. Everything's awesome for you, so you'd better get used to it.

[HARRY, sung]
But this is all so sad
I mean, my Mom and Dad
Were killed, long ago

[ENSEMBLE]
Long ago they died!

[HARRY]
I wanna be psyched
But being unliked
Is all I know

[ENSEMBLE]
All he knows, that's why...

[HARRY]
I never thought I'd be
A part of such a fate
An opportunity
Eleven years late

I guess it's time for me
To step up to the plate
And show 'em that
I'm something great!

I'm Harry freakin' Potter!
I'll do what I can
If what you say I am
Is true

I can't be bothered
By my awful past
I've found at last
Something I can do
So it's time I knew
Exactly who I am

I'm Harry freakin' Potter!

[ENSEMBLE]
You're Harry Freakin' Potter!

[ALL]
I'm/You're Harry freakin' Potter

[HARRY]
And I'm the man!

[ALL, spoken]
Harry freakin' Potter!