Hangover Chronicles

The details are cloudy. Luckily, in my haze, I took notes. The events I can speak of only now. But I can taste it like it was yesterday. The reason I survived, maybe to tell the story of The Hangover

Day 1: I wake up. I begin to make out shapes. I have a headache. I have a terrible headache. At dusk, I get a great idea: living is sad

Day 2: Before I wake, I dream. I dream I am surfing on a sea of Coca-Cola. I fall off my surfboard. I am drowning in Coca-Cola. As I wake, I am devastated to learn that I am in my apartment and not a Coca-Cola store. I regret the tears that fill my eyes are not tears of Coca-Cola

Day 3: I can move my head! I can move my head again!

Day 4: I am surprised to find a man sleeping on my couch. He tells me that he works with me and that he shares my hangover. He teaches me a game called "screaming numbers"

Day 5: Finding a reflective surface, I am happy to note that my teeth have not been removed with a hunting knife like I suspected. For many hours, I count from one to six. Not over and over, but once

Day 6: Brown liquid has now stopped dripping from my ears

Day 7: An angel appears. He brings me a pizza. He asks only paper in return. How beautiful his eyelashes are. Looking at the pizza, I note I am now colorblind. I go to sleep thinking about all the old black & white films I have enjoyed and will watch again

Day 8: Something smells

Day 9: I take a short walk to my answering machine. I check it. Good news: only one person called. The bad news is that it was my girlfriend and she called seventeen times. She refers to herself, oddly, as my "ex-girlfriend"

Day 10: Today I suspect I am not hungover at all, but in fact an old man who has lost his memory. And I have been spun around and left to die by people, not remembering any of my life, I can't remember and hate by name

Day 11: Further exploration of my answering machine reveals I have been seen at work. Apparently, day later, although I have no recollection of this, I went in long enough to play a quick game of "screaming numbers" and picked up what turned out to be my last paycheck

Day 12: Go to my ex-girlfriend's and propose marriage. She does not accept. Neither does the man she refers to as "the new guy". After several hours, she agrees to take me back if I promise to stop drinking. Have small drink to celebrate. Snowflake becomes blizzard

Day 13: See Day 1