God, I Hate Shakespeare

[NICK]
Oh, God, I hate Shakespeare
That's right, I said it

[NIGEL (spoken)]
No!

[NICK]
I do, I hate Shakespeare

[NIGEL (spoken)]
Why?

[NICK]
I just don't get it
How a mediocre actor from a measly little town
Is suddenly the brightest jewel in England's royal crown?

Oh, God, I hate Shakespeare
His plays are wordy, but
Oh, no, the great Shakespeare
That little turd, he has no
Sense about the audience
He makes them feel so dumb
The bastard doesn't care that my
Poor ass is getting numb

[MALE ENSEMBLE]
How can you say that? How can you say that?

[NICK]
It's easy, I can say it 'cause it's absolutely true

[MALE ENSEMBLE]
Don't be a penis, the man is a genius

[NICK]
His genius is he's fooling all of you

[NIGEL]
But he's brilliant, what majesty flows from his pen
His poetry soars like a sweet violin
God's own inspiration, like lightning doth strike him
And he captures my soul

[NICK (spoken)]
Aw, jeez, you sound just like him!

[NIGEL (spoken)]
Really? Thanks!

[NICK]
You should hate Shakespeare

[NIGEL]
Well, I don't, I try to emulate Shakespeare

[NICK]
Well, there's your problem, you're so blinded by The Bard
Who's such a pompous little man

[NIGEL]
Why is it a problem to admit that I'm a fan?

[NICK]
'Cause he's a hack with a knack
For stealing anything he can

[MALE ENSEMBLE]
How can you say that? How can you say that?
The man really knows how to write a bitchin' play
You wish you could pen one, we wish we were in one

[NICK]
I just wish that he would go away

[NIGEL (spoken)]
Well, that's not gonna happen because everybody I know says that he is the greatest writer that England has ever known

[NICK]
And that's another thing I hate about Shakespeare
Is all the twits who bloviate about Shakespeare
And how they prattle on
About his great accomplishments, well la-di-da-di-da
And once they start the gushing
There's no stopping them and then it's
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah Shakespeare
And he walks in it's
Dum-de-dum-ta-da Shakespeare

He's holding court and they say
"Will, you're such a genius and your writing is divine
'A rose by any other name' is such a clever line"
And they're all "ooh" and he's all "stop"
And they're all "yay" and I'm all "*retch*!"
And I'm really getting sick of it
And oh, oh, oh
Oh, I hate Shakespeare

[MALE ENSEMBLE]
I think by now, we sort of know you hate Shakespeare

[NICK]
Shmakespeare!
The way he feigns humility
When all he does is gloat
The way he wears that silly, frilly
Collar 'round his throat

The poster child for why
No one should ever procreate
Let me make a shorter list
And I will give it to you straight
Every little thing about Shakespeare
Is what I hate

[MALE ENSEMBLE]
Hates, he hates
He clearly surely, really, truly
Hates Shakespeare

[NIGEL (spoken)]
Don't hate!