Getting Married Today

[CHURCH LADY]
Bless this day, pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day

[PAUL]
Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Amy
My happily
Soon-to-be
Wife

[AMY]
Pardon me, is everybody here?
Because if everybody's here
I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding
I'd appreciate your going even more
I mean, you must have lots of better things to do
And not a word of it to Paul
Remember Paul? You know, the man I'm gonna marry
But I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin
Anyone as wonderful as he is—

Thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers
Thank you all
Now it's back to the showers
Don't tell Paul
But I'm not getting married today

[CHURCH LADY]
Bless this day, tragedy of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day

[AMY]
Listen, everybody
Look, I don't know what you're waiting for
A wedding, what's a wedding?
It's a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever
Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard
And which is followed by a honeymoon
Where suddenly he'll realize
He's saddled with a nut
And want to kill me, which he should

Thanks a bunch
But I'm not getting married
Go have lunch
'Cause I'm not getting married
You've been grand
But I'm not getting married
Don't just stand
There, I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul
But I'm not getting married today

Go!
Can't you go?
Why is no-
Body listening?
Goodbye!
Go and cry
At another person's wake
If you're quick
For a kick
You could pick
Up a christening
But please
On my knees
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear
Or do you want to see a crazy lady
Fall apart in front of you?
It isn't only Paul who would be ruining his life, you know
We'll both of us be losing our identities
I telephoned my analyst about it
And he said to see him Monday
But by Monday I'll be floating
In the Hudson with the other garbage

I'm not well
So I'm not getting married
You've been swell
But I'm not getting married
Clear the hall
'Cause I'm not getting married
Thank you all
But I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul
But I'm not getting married today

[CHURCH LADY]
Bless this bride, totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts to rain

[PAUL]
Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Amy
My happily
Soon-to-be
Wife
My adorable
Wife!

[AMY]
Go! Can't you go?
Look, you know I adore you all
But why watch me die
Like Eliza on the ice?
Look, perhaps I'll collapse
In the apse right before you all
So take back the cake
Burn the shoes and boil the rice!
Look, I didn't want to have to tell you
But I may be coming down with hepatitis
And I think I'm gonna faint
So if you wanna see me faint
I'll do it happily
But wouldn't it be funnier
To go and watch a funeral?
So thank you for the
Twenty-seven dinner plates
Thirty-seven butter knives
Forty-seven paperweights
Fifty-seven candle holders—

[PAUL]
One more thing—

[AMY]
I am not getting married!

[CHURCH LADY & GUESTS]
Amen

[PAUL]
—Softly said

[AMY]
But I'm not getting married!

[CHURCH LADY & GUESTS]
Amen

[PAUL]
With this ring—

[AMY]
See, I'm not getting married!

[CHURCH LADY & GUESTS]
Amen

[PAUL]
—I thee wed

[AMY]
Still, I'm not getting married!

[CHURCH LADY & GUESTS]
Amen

[PAUL, AMY, PAUL & AMY]
Let us pray
And we are That we're not
Getting married today!

[OTHERS]
Amen!