Getting Married Today

[JENNY]
Bless this day
Pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day

[PAUL, spoken]
Amy, I can’t find my shoes!

(singing)

Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Amy
My happily soon-to-be wife

(spoken)

Amy, we’re really gettin’ married

[AMY]
Pardon me, is anybody there?
Because if anybody’s there
I’d like to thank you all
For coming to the wedding
I’d appreciate you going even more
I mean just must have lots of better things to do
And not a word of it to Paul
Remember Paul?
You know, the man I’m gonna marry
But I’m not
Because I wouldn’t ruin anyone as wonderful as he is
But I thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers
Thank you all
Now it’s back to the showers
Don’t tell Paul
But I’m not getting married today

[JENNY]
Bless this day
Tragedy of life
Husband yoked to wife
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day

[PAUL, spoken]
Amy, Paul can’t find his good cufflinks

[AMY, spoken]
They’re on the dresser...
Right next to my suicide note

(singing)

Listen everybody, look
I don’t know what you’re waiting for
A wedding? What’s a wedding?
It’s a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever
Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard
And which is followed by a honeymoon
Where suddenly, he’ll realize
He‘s saddled with a nut
And wanna kill me, which he should
So listen, thanks a bunch
But I’m not getting married
Go have lunch
Cause I’m not getting married
You’ve been grand
But I’m not getting married
Don’t just stand there
I’m not getting married
And don’t tell Paul
But I’m not getting married today

Go! Can’t you go?
Why is nobody listening
Goodbye
Go and cry at another person’s wake
If you’re quick for a kick
You could pick up a christening
But please, on my knees
There’s a human life at stake

Listen everybody
I’m afraid I didn’t hear
Or do you wanna see a crazy lady
Fall apart in front of you?
It isn’t only Paul who will be ruining his life
You know, we’ll both of us be losing our identities
I telephoned my analyst about it
And he said to see him Monday
But by Monday
I’ll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage
I’m not well
So I’m not getting married
You’ve been swell
But I’m not getting married
Clear the hall
Cause I’m not getting married
Thank you all
But I’m not getting married
And don’t tell Paul
But I’m not getting married today

[JENNY]
Bless this bride
Totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As is starts to rain

[PAUL & (AMY)]
Today is for Amy
(Go! Can’t you go?)
Amy, I give you
(Look, you know I adore you all)
The rest of my life
(But why watch me die like Eliza on the ice?)
To cherish and to keep you
(Look, perhaps I’ll collapse in the apse right before you)
To honor you forever
(Also take back the cake, burn the shoes and boil the rice)

Today is for Amy
(Look, I didn’t want to have to tell you)
(But I may be coming down with hepatitis)
My happily soon-to-be wife
(And I think I’m gonna faint,)
(So if you’re want to see me faint,)
(I’d do it happily, but wouldn’t it be funnier)
My adorable wife
(To go and watch a funeral?)
(So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates)
(And thirty-seven butter knives)
(And forty-seven paper weights)
(And fifty-seven candle holders)

One more thing

[AMY]
I am not getting married

[PAUL & (ENSEMBLE)]
Softly said (Amen)

[AMY]
But I’m not getting married

[PAUL & (ENSEMBLE)]
With this ring (Amen)

[AMY]
Still I’m not getting married

[PAUL & (ENSEMBLE)]
I thee wed (Amen)

[AMY & (PAUL)]
See, I’m not getting married
Let us pray (Let us pray)
That we’re not getting married (That we are getting married)

[AMY + PAUL & (ENSEMBLE)]
Today (Amen)