Funeral

Al single-handedly destroyed my mom's funeral. Here's the thing, my mom---first of all, I'm gonna be honest with y'all. My mom passed away five years ago, okay? Now, my mom died from cancer. At the time, was it difficult? Yes, but me and my brother, we got through it, we knew it was coming, so we prepped ourselves. We had the funeral, funeral's almost over. Pastor gets up, he says, "Would anyone like to say any words on Nancy's behalf?"
It's quiet. Nobody says nothing. All of a sudden, my cousin Al gets up, he said, "I got something I need to say." You can hear everyone in my family suck their teeth (sucks teeth). "Shit. Goddamn it. Shit!"

I cannot make this up, this is the speech my cousin gave at my mom's funeral, word for word. He comes to the podium, he said, "Errrrr, errrrr, before I say anythang, I just wanna start off by saying, God is good all the time."

Now, when people say that in return, you're supposed to say, "And all the time, God is good." Nobody said nothing. Listen, look, when I say it again, just be quiet. Don't nobody say shit. I wanna show y'all how mad he got. Don't make me laugh, just be quiet, okay? I wanna show y'all how fucking mad he got, alright? Don't make me laugh, stop. This is what he did.

He said, "Errrrr, errrrr, before I say anythang, I just wanna start off by saying, God is good all the time."
(waits for ten seconds)
"Oh, don't nobody know what the fuck they supposed to say back to Jesus?! Say shit back to Jesus!"

My grandma got scared, she was like, "God is good all the time." She started messing it up. "God is good all the time. God is good all the time, sometimes he not, I don't wanna say nothing about it. Take me Jesus."

My grandma was the king of fake pass-outs, like, she'd pass out for three seconds and then wait, and then peek, to see if anybody looking.

"Take me Jesus." (pretends to pass out)

"Grandma, I saw you, come on. Get up. Get your ass up. Your old faking ass up, Grandma. You ain't pass out."

Here's the rest of the speech, word for word, here's the rest of the speech.

He goes, "Errr, before Nancy died, she owed me 53 dollars and some change. Now, Kevin, how does that work? Does that roll over to you, do I get it from you, or...? Whatever, we'll figure it out, we'll talk about it. Errr, life is funny, ain't it? Sometimes, when people die, you gotta laugh. Ah-ha-ha-ha-hey! Hey Nance, peace!" He just walked off, like it was a concert.

We was like, "What the fuck? Wait a minute."

Now, before y'all judge my family, let me tell you how crazy this funeral got. Okay, first of all, all our family's crazy. We just come in different races, shapes and sizes. Now, at any funeral you go to, there's always one person at the funeral that's there to avenge the death of whoever died. They want payback.

That person was my Uncle Richard Jr., okay? Now, all my real Kevin Hart fans know who my Uncle Richard Jr. is. For those who don't know, Say It With Your Chest. that's my Uncle Richard Jr. Now, like I said, my mom died from cancer. Everybody knows this, except my Uncle Richard Jr. Funeral's over. Everybody's outside, they're consoling one other. It's a really emotional time. I'm talking, my uncle comes up, taps me on the back. He said, "Kevin. I just wanna let you know, whoever did this is going to die tonight."
"'Scuse me? What do you mean? What are you saying?"
"I'm just tryna tell you, I'm 'bout to pill this motherfucker's muffin cap back blue. Tonight nigga!"
I said, "Erm, cancer did it. It was cancer."
He said, "Well, you tell cancer, I'm looking for him, and when I find him, I'ma shoot him in the face. Twice! Me! By myself! One gun! One budge. All day, every day. Wake up. Go back to sleep. Take a nap. You bout to go night-night nigga! You bout to go night-night nigga! About to go night-night nigga!"
I said, "Okay. I can't do this, I can't."
I said, "You go tell him by yourself. I can't." (laughs)

Reason why I couldn't---it was time for me to be a pallbearer, alright? Now, here's the thing. It was time for me to be a pallbearer. I had to go pick up the casket, carry the casket down the aisle, put the casket in the hearse. Now, I've never been a pallbearer before. I've been offered several pallbearer positions, but I've turned them all down. Reason why I've turned it down---I'm small. I got little arms. My biggest fear is that you're gonna put me next to somebody that's tall, with long arms. They gotta make up for the space, I gotta hold the casket up here. I fuck around and get tired, my arms start shaking, I drop it, everybody look at me like, "Why you drop it?"
I be like, "I never had it."
And, "Yes, you did."
I'm like, "No, I didn't. I thought we was gon' pick it up on three. Nobody counted, y'all just assumed I had it, I didn't have it, my hand hurt, I thought it was gon' bleed, whatever."
I don't wanna be in that situation. But, for this time, I don't have a choice. It's my mom. My mom's funeral, so I have to do it, so... (Picks up a nearby stool)
I'm on the right side, I got the casket over here, my brother's on the left side, he's got the casket over there. I keep in mind that it's my mother, and it's a funeral, so I'm emotional. I'm crying, I'm a mess. "Nooo, nooo, she wasn't ready. She wasn't ready."

So, this is why my dad's an asshole. He see my crying, my dad stood up, punched me in the back of the head. (Slaps microphone on his head) "Stop being a bitch! Man up, she gone!"
I said, "Nigga, that's it, man, fuck this shit man!" (Drops stool/casket)

I forgot, I forgot where I was, I threw the casket. When I threw it, my cousin Al stood up, he was like, "It should have been me Lord! I was the one sucking dick for money!"
My dad was like, "Alright, alright, alright! Hey, you gon' learn today."
"Shut the fuck up, dad."
My grandma passed out. "Sucking dick?" (Pretends to pass out)
"Grandma, you're peeking. Somebody get grandma ass out of church. Lying in front of God."