Spelling Bee

Stupidest thing my dad ever did when he was on drugs, right, when I was a kid, I remember my dad came to parent-teacher conference. That's when you go to your kid’s school, talk to your teachers, see how they're doing in school. My dad shows up wearing sweatpants, with no draws. It's like his dick was all over the place. I cannot make this up, let me show y’all how my dad walked into my school. This is all I saw.

Drops microphone below pants to mimic how his dad looked was at the time.

"Hey! Kevin! Hey! Hey!" Every time he stopped, his dick kept moving: "Excuse me!"
I can hear all the little girls like, "Ewwwwww! Ewwwwww!"
My dad got mad - "What the fuck you 'ewwing' about? You ain't ever seen nobody with a long DICK?"
"'Ey, dad, don't, don't say that."
"You gon' learn today. You gon’ learn what a long dick look like today."
"’Ey dad, she don't need to learn that. Please."
Yo, my dad was crazy. My dad was really crazy man. See, my dad was mad at me, because I wasn’t an athlete. I didn't play sports. I was in weird shit, like spelling bees, debates. And here's the thing - my dad would show up at my events and treat 'em as if they were athletic events. First of all, you can’t cheer for no kid at a spelling bee. It's a spelling bee! It's quiet. I'm focussed. I'm in the middle of spelling a very difficult word. My dad shows up late, busts through the back door, high as hell, making cokehead noises. Alright? Once again, I cannot make this up. This-this is all I heard. I'm in the middle of spelling some shit. Out of nowhere, all I heard was, "Alright, alright, alright! Yeah! My son spelling the shit out these motherfucking words! In your face bitch! In your face! Alright, alright, alright!" Shit that made me laugh the most, you see how y'all sitting next to people? I told you my dad never wore draws. Ever. This is my dad getting into a seat. This is all I saw.

Mimics his dad getting into his seat.

I can hear people like, "Oh God. Jesus. Oh. What is it? I don't know, I don't know what it is. Whatever it is, it's loose, it's all over the place. It's gotta be a penis. I don't know what else it could be."
My dad got mad. "That ain't no penis, that's a long DICK!"
"'Ey, dad, don't say that."
"Alright, alright, alright! You gon' learn today. You gon' learn what a long dick look like today. 'Ey son! Let me hear you spell long dick!"
"'Ey dad, I can't. It's against the rules."
"L-O dick!"
"No, dad-"
"Alright, alright, alright!"
This nigga had the dog with him. (Barks) "Nah, dad, the dog is on drugs too. Dad, please."
My goal at the end of the show is to have all y'all saying that shit for no reason at all. For no reason at all.

Kevin points to a crowd member.

Next time your lady say something to you, just cut her off. It don't matter what she saying. "Hey babe-"
"Shut up bitch! Alright, alright, alright! I'ma make you suck on this long DICK! You gon' learn today! You gon' learn today! Alright, alright, alright!"
Y'all do the walk when you do it, do the walk away. "Alright, alright, alright!" (Laughs) You gotta do the bobblehead when you do it. "Alright, alright, alright! Shut up bitch! You gon' learn today."