Eastward Ho ~ Act 4. Scene 2

A room in TOUCHSTONE'S, house.

Touch.
Ha, sirrah! thinks my knight adventurer we can no point of our compass? Do we not know north-north-east, north-east and by east, east and by north, nor plain eastward? Ha! have we never heard of Virginia, nor the Cavallaria, nor the Colonoria? Can we discover no discoveries? Well, mine errant Sir Flash, and my runagate Quicksilver, you may drink drunk, crack cans, hurl away a brown dozen of Monmouth caps or so, in sea-ceremony to your bon voyage; but, for reaching any coast, save the coast of Kent or Essex, with this tide, or with this fleet, I'll be your warrant for a Gravesend toast. There's that gone afore will stay your admiral and vice-admiral and rear-admiral, were they all (as they are) but one pinnace, and under sail, as well as a remora, doubt it not; and from this sconce, without either powder or shot. Work upon that now! Nay, an you'll show tricks, we'll vie with you a little. My daughter, his lady, was sent eastward by land to a castle of his i' the air, in what region I know not, and, as I hear, was glad to take up her lodging in her coach, she and her two waiting women (her maid, and her mother), like three snails in a shell, and the coachman a-top on 'em, I think. Since, they have all found the way back again by Weeping Cross; but I'll not see 'em. And, for two on 'em, madam and her malkin, they are like to bite o' the bridle for William, as the poor horses have done all this while that hurried 'em, or else go graze o' the common. So should my Dame Touchstone too; but she has been my cross these thirty years, and I'll now keep her to fright away sprites, i' faith. I wonder I hear no news of my son Golding! He was sent for to the Guildhall this morning betimes, and I marvel at the matter; if I had not laid up comfort and hope in him, I should grow desperate of all. See, he is come i' my thought! —

Enter GOLDING.

How now, son? What news at the Court of Aldermen?

Gold.
Troth, sir, an accident somewhat strange; else, it hath little in it worth the reporting.

Touch.
What? It is not borrowing of money, then?

Gold.
No, sir; it hath pleas'd the worshipful Commoners of the city to take me one i' their number at presentation of the inquest ——

Touch.
Ha!

Gold.
And the alderman of the ward wherein I dwell to appoint me his deputy ——

Touch.
How?

Gold.
In which place I have had an oath minist'red me, since I went.

Touch.
Now, my dear and happy son, let me kiss thy new Worship, and a little boast mine own happiness in thee. — What a fortune was it (or rather my judgment, indeed) for me first to see that in his disposition which a whole city so conspires to second! Ta'en into the livery of his company the first day of his freedom! Now, not a week married, chosen Commoner and alderman's deputy in a day! Note but the reward of a thrifty course. The wonder of his time! Well, I will honor Master Alderman for this act, as becomes me, and shall think the better of the Common Council's wisdom and worship, while I live, for thus meeting, or but coming after me, in the opinion of his desert. Forward, my sufficient son! and, as this is the first, so esteem it the least step to that high and prime honor that expects thee.

Gold.
Sir, as I was not ambitious of this, so I covet no higher place; it hath dignity enough, if it will but save me from contempt; and I had rather my bearing in this or any other office should add worth to it than the place give the least opinion to me.

Touch.
Excellently spoken! This modest answer of thine blushes, as if it said, "I will wear scarlet shortly." Worshipful son! I cannot contain myself; I must tell thee, I hope to see thee one o' the monuments of our city, and reckon'd among her worthies, to be rememb'red the same day with the Lady Ramsey and grave Gresham, when the famous fable of Whittington and his puss shall be forgotten, and thou and thy acts become the posies for hospitals; when thy name shall be written upon conduits, and thy deeds play'd i' thy lifetime by the best companies of actors, and be call'd their get-penny. This I divine; this I prophesy.

Gold.
Sir, engage not your expectation farder than my abilities will answer; I, that know mine own strengths, fear 'em; and there is so seldom a loss in promising the least that commonly it brings with it a welcome deceit. I have other news for you, sir.

Touch.
None more welcome, I am sure.

Gold.
They have their degree of welcome, I dare affirm. The colonel and all his company, this morning putting forth drunk from Billingsgate, had like to have been cast away o' this side Greenwich; and, as I have intelligence by a false brother, are come dropping to town like so many masterless men, i' their doublets and hose, without hat or cloak or any other ——

Touch.
A miracle! the justice of Heaven! Where are they? Let's go presently and lay for 'em.

Gold.
I have done that already, sir, both by constables and other officers, who shall take 'em at their old Anchor, and with less tumult or suspicion than if yourself were seen in 't, under color of a great press that is now abroad; and they shall here be brought afore me.

Touch.
Prudent and politic son! Disgrace 'em all that ever thou canst; their ship I have already arrested. How to my wish it falls out that thou hast the place of a justicer upon 'em! I am partly glad of the injury done to me, that thou mayst punish it. Be severe i' thy place, like a new officer o' the first quarter, unreflected. You hear how our lady is come back with her train from the invisible castle?

Gold.
No; where is she?

Touch.
Within; but I ha' not seen her yet, nor her mother, who now begins to wish her daughter undubb'd, they say, and that she had walk'd a foot-pace with her sister. Here they come; stand back.

Enter MISTRESS TOUCHSTONE, GERTRUDE, MILDRED, and SINDEFY.

God save your Ladyship; 'save your good Ladyship! Your Ladyship is welcome from your enchanted castle; so are your beauteous retinue. I hear your knight errant is travell'd on strange adventures. Surely, in my mind, your Ladyship hath "fish'd fair, and caught a frog," as the saying is.

Mist. Touch.
Speak to your father, madam, and kneel down.

Ger.
Kneel? I hope I am not brought so low yet; though my knight be run away, and has sold my land, I am a lady still.

Touch.
Your Ladyship says true, madam; and it is fitter and a greater decorum that I should curtsy to you that are a knight's wife and a lady than you be brought a' your knees to me, who am a poor cullion and your father.

Ger.
Law! my father knows his duty.

Mist. T.
Oh, child!

Touch.
And therefore I do desire your Ladyship, my good Lady Flash, in all humility, to depart my obscure cottage, and return in quest of your bright and most transparent castle, "how ever presently conceal'd to mortal eyes." And, as for one poor woman of your train here, I will take that order she shall no longer be a charge unto you, nor help to spend your Ladyship; she shall stay at home with me, and not go abroad, not put you to the pawning of an odd coach horse or three wheels, but take part with the Touchstone. If we lack, we will not complain to your Ladyship. And so, good madam, with your damosel here, please you to let us see your straight backs in equipage; for truly here is no roost for such chickens as you are, or birds o' your feather, if it like your Ladyship.

Ger.
Marry, fyste o' your kindness! I thought as much. Come away, Sin; we shall "as soon get a fart from a dead man as a farthing" of court'sy here.

Mil.
Oh, good Sister!

Ger.
Sister, Sir Reverence! Come away, I say; hunger drops out at his nose.

Gold.
Oh, madam, "Fair words never hurt the tongue."

Ger.
How say you by that? You come out with your gold-ends now!

Mist. T.
Stay, Lady-daughter. Good husband —

Touch.
Wife, "no man loves his fetters, be they made of gold." I list not "ha' my head fast'ned under my child's girdle;" "as she has brew'd, so let her drink," a' God's name. She "went witless to wedding," now she may "go wisely a-begging." It's but honeymoon yet with her Ladyship; she has coach horses, apparel, jewels yet left; she needs care for no friends, nor take knowledge of father, mother, brother, sister, or anybody. When those are pawn'd or spent, perhaps we shall return into the list of her acquaintance.

Ger.
I scorn it, i' faith. — Come, Sin.

Mist. T.
Oh, madam, why do you provoke your father thus?

Exit GERTRUDE with SINDEFY.

Touch.
Nay, nay, e'en "let pride go afore; shame will follow after," I warrant you. Come, why dost thou weep now? Thou art not "the first good cow" hast "had an ill calf," I trust. — [ Exit MISTRESS

TOUCHSTONE.] What's the news with that fellow?

Enter Constable.

Gold.
Sir, the knight and your man Quicksilver are without; will you ha' 'em brought in?

Touch.
Oh, by any means. [ Exit Constable.] And, son, here's a chair; appear terrible unto 'em on the first interview. Let them behold the melancholy of a magistrate, and taste the fury of a citizen in office.

Gold.
Why, sir, I can do nothing to 'em, except you charge 'em with somewhat.

Touch.
I will charge 'em and recharge 'em, rather than authority should
want foil to set it off.

Offers GOLDING a chair.

Gold.
No, good sir, I will not.

Touch.
Son, it is your place; by any means —

Gold.
Believe it, I will not, sir.

Enter KNIGHT PETRONEL, QUICKSILVER, Constable, and Officers.

Pet.
How misfortune pursues us still in our misery!

Quick.
Would it had been my fortune to have been truss'd up at Wapping rather than ever ha' come here!

Pet.
Or mine to have famish'd in the Island!

Quick.
Must Golding sit upon us?

Con.
You might carry a Master under your girdle to Master Deputy's Worship.

Gold.
What are those, Master Constable?

Con.
An 't please your Worship, a couple of masterless men I press'd for the Low Countries, sir.

Gold.
Why do you not carry 'em to Bridewell, according to your order, they may be shipp'd away?

Con.
An 't please your Worship, one of 'em says he is a knight; and we thought good to show him to your Worship, for our discharge.

Gold.
Which is he?

Con.
This, sir.

Gold.
And what's the other?

Con.
A knight's fellow, sir, an 't please you.

Gold.
What! a knight and his fellow thus accout'red? Where are their hats and feathers, their rapiers and their cloaks?

Quick.
[ aside ] Oh, they mock us.

Con.
Nay, truly, sir, they had cast both their feathers and hats, too, before we see 'em. Here's all their furniture, an 't please you, that we found. They say knights are now to be known without feathers, like cock'rels by their spurs, sir.

Gold.
What are their names, say they?

Touch.
[ aside ] Very well, this. He should not take knowledge of 'em in his place, indeed.

Con.
This is Sir Petronel Flash.

Touch.
How!

Con.
And this, Francis Quicksilver.

Touch.
Is 't possible? I thought your Worship had been gone for Virginia, sir; you are welcome home, sir. Your Worship has made a quick return, it seems, and no doubt a good voyage. Nay, pray you be cover'd, sir. How did your biscuit hold out, sir? — Methought I had seen this gentleman afore. Good Master Quicksilver, how a degree to the southward has chang'd you!

Gold.
Do you know 'em, Father? — Forbear your offers a little, you shall be heard anon.

Touch.
Yes, Master Deputy; I had a small venture with them in the voyage — a thing call'd a son-in-law, or so. — Officers, you may let 'em stand alone: they will not run away; I'll give my word for them, a couple of very honest gentlemen. One of 'em was my prentice, Master Quicksilver here; and when he had two year to serve, kept his whore and his hunting nag, would play his hundred pound at gresco or primero as familiarly (and all a' my purse) as any bright piece of crimson on 'em all; had his changeable trunks of apparel standing at livery, with his mare, his chest of perfum'd linen, and his bathing-tubs, which, when I told him of, why he — he was a gentleman, and I a poor Cheapside groom! The remedy was, we must part. Since when he hath had the gift of gathering up some small parcels of mine, to the value of five hundred pound, dispers'd among my customers, to furnish this his Virginian venture; wherein this knight was the chief, Sir Flash — one that married a daughter of mine, ladified her, turned two thousand pounds' worth of good land of hers into cash within the first week, bought her a new gown and a coach; sent her to seek her fortune by land, whilst himself prepared for his fortune by sea; took in fresh flesh at Billingsgate, for his own diet, to serve him the whole voyage — the wife of a certain usurer call'd Security, who hath been the broker for 'em in all this business. Please, Master Deputy, work upon that now!

Gold.
If my worshipful father have ended —

Touch.
I have, it shall please Master Deputy.

Gold.
Well then, under correction ——

Touch.
[ aside ] Now, son, come over 'em with some fine gird, as thus, "Knight, you shall be encount'red," that is, had to the Counter; or, "Quicksilver, I will put you in a crucible," or so.

Gold.
Sir Petronel Flash, I am sorry to see such flashes as these proceed from a gentleman of your quality and rank; for mine own part, I could wish I could say I could not see them; but such is the misery of magistrates and men in place, that they must not wink at offenders. — Take him aside. — I will hear you anon, sir.

Touch.
[ aside ] I like this well, yet; there's some grace i' the knight left: he cries.

Gold.
Francis Quicksilver, would God thou hadst turn'd quacksalver, rather than run into these dissolute and lewd courses! It is great pity; thou art a proper young man, of an honest and clean face, somewhat near a good one; God hath done his part in thee; but thou hast made too much, and been too proud, of that face, with the rest of thy body; for maintenance of which in neat and garish attire, only to be look'd upon by some light housewives, thou hast prodigally consumed much of thy master's estate; and, being by him gently admonish'd at several times, hast return'd thyself haughty and rebellious in thine answers, thund'ring out uncivil comparisons, requiting all his kindness with a coarse and harsh behavior; never returning thanks for any one benefit, but receiving all as if they had been debts to thee, and no courtesies. I must tell thee, Francis, these are manifest signs of an ill nature; and God doth often punish such pride and outrecuidance with scorn and infamy, which is the worst of misfortune. — My worshipful father, what do you please to charge them withal? — From the press I will free 'em, Master Constable.

Con.
Then I'll leave your Worship, sir.

Gold.
No, you may stay; there will be other matters against 'em.

Touch.
Sir, I do charge this gallant, Master Quicksilver, on suspicion of felony; and the knight, as being accessary in the receipt of my goods.

Quick.
O God, sir!

Touch.
Hold thy peace, impudent varlet, hold thy peace! With what forehead or face dost thou offer to chop logic with me, having run such a race of riot as thou hast done? Does not the sight of this worshipful man's fortune and temper confound thee, that was thy younger fellow in household, and now come to have the place of a judge upon thee? Dost not observe this? Which of all thy gallants and gamesters, thy swearers and thy swaggerers, will come now to moan thy misfortune, or pity thy penury? They'll look out at a window, as thou rid'st in triumph to Tyburn, and cry, "Yonder goes honest Frank, mad Quicksilver!" "He was a free boon companion, when he had money," says one. "Hang him, fool;" says another; "he could not keep it when he had it!" "A pox o' the cullion, his master," says a third; "he has brought him to this;" when their pox of pleasure, and their piles of perdition, would have been better bestowed upon thee, that hast vent'red for 'em with the best, and by the clue of thy knavery brought thyself weeping to the cart of calamity.

Quick.
Worshipful Master!

Touch.
Offer not to speak, crocodile; I will not hear a sound come from thee. Thou hast learn'd to whine at the play yonder. — Master Deputy, pray you commit 'em both to safe custody, till I be able farther to charge 'em.

Quick.
O me! what an infortunate thing am I!

Pet.
Will you not take security, sir?

Touch.
Yes, marry, will I, Sir Flash, if I can find him, and charge him as deep as the best on you. He has been the plotter of all this; he is your enginer, I hear. Master Deputy, you'll dispose of these? In the mean time, I'll to my Lord Mayor, and get his warrant to seize that serpent, Security, into my hands, and seal up both house and goods to the King's use or my satisfaction.

Gold.
Officers, take 'em to the Counter.

Quick. and Pet.
O God!

Touch.
Nay, on, on; you see the issue of your sloth. Of sloth cometh pleasure, of pleasure cometh riot, of riot comes whoring, of whoring comes spending, of spending comes want, of want comes theft, of theft comes hanging; and there is my Quicksilver fix'd.

Exeunt.