Donut: The Musical

[DONUT]
Let me blow you away
You won't believe your eyes and ears today
You are in for a surprise
When you look into my eyes
You won't be able to deny my gaze

[SARGE, spoken]
Wait a minute, Donut. Your what?

[DONUT, spoken]
Come on Sarge, you can't deny my deep, penetrating... eye contact. My gaze! What did you think I said?

[SARGE, spoken]
Um, don't ask.

[DONUT, spoken]
Don't tell!
(sung)
Let me blow you away
There is nothing that I will not do or say
To entertain a red companion
In this hot and sweaty canyon
Like a stallion I am bursting through the gate

[SIMMONS, spoken]
A what?

[DONUT, spoken]
You know, a stallion. A stud, a horse with a big...

[SIMMONS, spoken]
Don't say it.

[DONUT, spoken]
Saddle. Now who wants to mount up?

[SIMMONS, spoken]
Oh God...

[DONUT]
Let me start with this inquiry
Which I've recorded in my diary
I've got a secret thing I want to say
What's worse than a conundrum
Or a cheerleader threesome (bitches!)
Not taking time to enjoy life each day
You see the fun will never cease
As long as we've got elbow grease
There's really nothing to it
When you're using headlight fluid

[GRIF, spoken]
Donut, you do know there's no such thing as headlight fluid.

[DONUT, spoken]
Depends on what you mean by "head."

[GRIF, spoken]
I'm just going to pretend I don't know what you mean.

[DONUT, spoken]
I'm just going to pretend you do!
(sung)
I caught the fever for hot fun
And I'm recruiting everyone
You know, this army needs a little style
Hold my ankles, stretch my hammies
I hope that you like double whammies
'Cause I'm gonna sing and dance until you smile
Some soldiers only work or nap
While I ride in shotgun's lap
The solution is simple
I'll fill them up
With my potential

[SIMMONS, spoken]
Donut, please, enough with the double entendres!

[DONUT, spoken]
Double entendre? Is that anything like a ménage-à-trois?

[SIMMONS, spoken]
I give up.

[DONUT, spoken]
In that case...
(sung)
Let me blow you away
Like a needle, I'll get lost inside your hay
Easy if you know how, just like milking a cow
Like we do it on the farm back in I-O-W-A

[GRIF, spoken]
Hmm. So you really grew up on a farm in Iowa?

[DONUT, spoken]
Yep. You spend a lot of time thinking when you're on the farm. And then a lot of time repressing those thoughts
(sung)
Let me blow you away
I'm on my knees just to have a chance today
If you see me winking, it's 'cause we are both thinking
This lightish-red armor looks so garish

[SIMMONS, spoken]
Uh, what did you just call your armor?

[DONUT, spoken]
Garish. It means totally lacking in good taste.

[SIMMONS, spoken]
Hmm. Kinda like this song.

[GRIF, spoken]
For the millionth time, Donut, your armor is clearly pink.

[DONUT, spoken]
It's lightish red!

[SARGE, spoken]
Why won't he just admit it?

[SIMMONS, spoken]
Yeah, you're not fooling anyone, Donut.

[GRIF, spoken]
Um, are we still talking about his armor color, or something else?

[DONUT, spoken]
Enough talk, you guys! It's time for some action!

[SIMMONS, GRIF, SARGE, spoken]
No!

[DONUT]
So let me blow you
Blow you all
One by one
Individually
Or in a group
Blow you
Away