Don’t Stop Me

SAMSON:
Welcome to the First Annual Dance-A-Thon at Plain Springs High

JAYNIE:
LIVECAST TO YOU DIGITALLY

MO:
Live live live live—
Dance dance dance dance—
A-thon a-thon a-thon a-thon—

COMMENTATORS:
FROM THE PLAIN SPRING HIGH GYMNASIUM

CONTESTANTS:
OOOOH....
OOOOH....
OOOOH....

OOOOH....

DANCE!
I GIVE YOU MY DANCE
I GIVE YOU MY BODY
AND I GIVE YOU MY MIND
IN ITS PERFECT YOUTHFUL PRIME
AND I GIVE YOU ALL MY PRECIOUS TIME
I WILL NEVER FALL BEHIND
I WILL DANCE UNTIL I FALL
SWEATING, EXHAUSTED AND SPENT
YES I WILL DANCE UNTIL I FALL
SWEATING, EXHAUSTED AND SPENT

SAMSON:
Livecast telematically!

JAYNIE:
Intermedially!

SAMSON:
Straight to you on the other end of the virtual wire window

JAYNIE
Including our parents!

CONTESTANTS:
HI MOM HI DAD
HI MOM HI DAD

MO:
And teachers, friends, well-wishers, relatives, exes, crushes, co-workers, and other random creepers who’ve stumbled across this feed on the web-

CONTESTANTS:
HI FRIENDS
HI PEEPS
HI EXES
HI CREEPS
(Contestants jostle for webcam/screen time.)

ALL CONTESTANTS:
If you’re watching this right now -

ROGER:
I’m wearing the insoles you got me!

ALL CONTESTANTS:
If you’re watching this right now -

HARPER:
I bet you regret getting a new best friend, Ashley!

ALL CONTESTANTS:
If you’re watching this right now -

DAKOTA:
I would be totally shocked because my parents don’t know how to update their operating system!

ALL CONTESTANTS:
If you’re watching this right now -

GRACE:
Get your ass over here! Seriously! You can only compete as part of a couple!

CONTESTANTS:
I WANNA DO GOOD
I WANNA BREAK THRU
I WANNA DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO
I WANNA BE GREAT
I WANNA BE THE BEST
I WANNA THROW THE CURVE ON THE FINAL TEST
I WANNA DO GOOD
I WANNA BREAK THRU
I WANNA DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO
I WANNA BE GREAT
I WANNA BE THE BEST
I WANNA THROW THE CURVE ON THE FINAL TEST

THE PAST IS DEAD
MY YOUTH IS GONE
AND THE FUTURE HAS ITS CLAWS
DIGGING INTO MY NECK

SAMSON:
It’s important that you out there in hyperland understand how to “experience” a Dance-A-Thon

JAYNIE:
Because it’s not any Dance-A-Thon

SAMSON:
Or Dance Marathon

JAYNIE:
Historical Fact: they couldn’t say “Dance-A-Thons” during the Depression because dancing was dirty

MO:
Dirty dancing

SAMSON:
They called them “Walk-A-Thons.”

JAYNIE:
“Walk-A-Thons” SOUND more innocent

MO:
They’re not

JAYNIE:
But now we can call it a Dance-A-Thon because the past is dead and this is about triumphing as unique individuals!

CONTESTANTS:
I AM ALWAYS ON
ALWAYS ON FIRE
ALWAYS ON POINT
NEVER EVER TIRED

I AM ON SPEED
I CAN FEEL MY BONES
EVERYONE IS HERE
BUT I’M ALL ALONE

I AM NOT A KID
NEVER EVER WAS
GOT A COLD SWEAT
AND MY TONGUE IS BUZZED

BUT I WILL KEEP-A WORKING
AND-A DANCING ALL NIGHT
EVEN WHEN I CAN’T BREATHE
AND MY CHEST IS TIGHT

MO:
THIS IS ABOUT HOW THEY SHAKE IT
THIS IS ABOUT HOW THEY SPARKLE IT

JAYNIE:
THIS IS ABOUT ENDURANCE

SAMSON:
STAMINA

MO:
FOCUS

JAYNIE:
DEDICATION

SAMSON:
WRIT LARGE

MO:
RAPT

COMMENTATORS & CONTESTANTS:
BEING ENTERTAINED
BY THE HUMAN CONDITION

JAYNIE:
ON YOUR PERSONAL COMPUTERS

MO:
ON YOUR TABLETS

SAMSON:
OR OTHER MOBILE DEVICES

CONTESTANTS:
DANCE ON

DJ:
Each dancing “heat” transports us to a different historical era

SAMSON:
That’s our DJ, everybody! A big hand for the DJ, everybody!

JANELLE:
I wonder what era’s going to be first?

ROGER:
I stayed up all night memorizing the Jitterbug

ELLIE & ZANDER: at same time
I hope it’s Enlightenment Polka

(ZANDER & ELLIE are delighted but not surprised to have spoken in-
Sync.)

ELLIE:
We kill at the enlightment Polka!

DAKOTA:
I hope it’s The Obscene Ancient Grecian Cordax

JANELLE:
Or Bulgarian Tropanka, or -

HARPER:
Or anything // Janelle!

JANELLE: on very close heels of HARPER’s line
Or everything, Janelle!

DJ:
Contestants must stay ‘in motion’ for the duration of the heat -

SAMSON:
Whoever is left standing at the end, wins THE PRIZE!

CONTESTANTS:
THE PRIZE

MO:
Make sure you refresh your feed at home. Otherwise your screen could be frozen and even though time has continued to advance forward you’ll still be looking at events in the past

SAMSON:
What?

MO:
Internet goes bloop

JAYNIE:
Historical Fact: we used to get “dialed up” to get online

SAMSON:
But technology advances

JAYNIE:
And so must they

SAMSON:
How hard is it to stay ‘in motion’?

DJ:
YOUR HEART IS ALWAYS BEATING
YOUR LUNGS ARE ALWAYS BREATHING
YOUR EYES ARE ALWAYS BLINKING
YOUR MIND IS ALWAYS THINKING

JAYNIE:
But just moving isn’t enough. Couples are whittled away by something called SPRINTS

DJ:
Sprints

(DJ hits SIREN and STROBE LIGHT. MO raves.)

MO:
Sprints have been identified as a potential seizure trigger for people with photosensitive epilepsy. Viewer discretion is advised

SAMSON:
SPRINTS are power periods designed to whittle away contestants

MO:
YOU ARE OUT!

MALE CONTESTANTS:
FIRST DANCE IN
I WANT TO WIN
FIRST DANCE IN
I WANT TO WIN

FEMALE CONTESTANTS:
I WANNA WIN THE PRIZE

MALE CONTESTANTS:
GET THE PRIZE
GET THE PRIZE
GET THE PRIZE

FEMALE CONTESTANTS:
I NEED TO WIN THE PRIZE

MALE CONTESTANTS:
GET THE PRIZE
NEVER CLOSE MY EYES

FEMALE CONTESTANTS:
I’M GONNA WIN THE PRIZE IF IT KILLS ME

MALE CONTESTANTS:
GONNA WIN
GONNA WIN

HARPER:
I WANT TO WIN

CYRUS:
I KNOW I KNOW

HARPER:
AND BE A SUPERSTAR

CYRUS:
I KNOW I KNOW

CONTESTANTS:
AND MY SHOES ARE PERFECT
MY BACKPACK SUBLIME
MY COMPASS AND PROTRACTOR ARE SOLID GOLD

ZANDER:
I WANT TO IRREFUTABLY CRUSH THE COMPETITION

ELLIE:
CRUSH THE COMPETITION

ZANDER:
CRUSH THE COMPETITION

CONTESTANTS:
MY TUTORS AND RULERS
MY CLOTHES
MY HAIR

ROGER:
I WANT TO WIN

DAKOTA:
I KNOW I KNOW

ROGER:
AND REDEEM MYSELF

DAKOTA:
I KNOW I KNOW

JANELLE:
LIKE GET SOME RECOGNITION FINALLY
IT’S ABOUT TIME
JUST SOMEBODY NOTICE ME!

CONTESTANTS:
AND I DANCE
AND I RUN
AND I SWIM
AND I FIGHT

AND I SING
AND I VOTE
AND I CHEER
AND I WRITE

AND I STUDY
I ENGAGE
I RECYCLE
I BEHAVE

AND I WORK
I ENDURE
I REPENT
I STAY PURE

I INDULGE
I ABSTAIN
I DESIRE
I MAINTAIN

AND I CALCULATE
I PRIORITIZE
I PARTICIPATE
I APOLOGIZE

AND I DEMONSTRATE
AND I CAPITALIZE
AND I COLLAPSE
AND I EULOGIZE

AND I DANCE
AND I DANCE
AND I DANCE
AND I DANCE

MO:
And they dance!

SAMSON:
So that’s a SPRINT

JAYNIE:
We’re almost done with the DEMO - short for: demonstration

SAMSON:
When you hear the air horn, you’re gonna know that we’ve come to a BREAK

MO:
Cots are there in the locker rooms if you want to sleep during break

SAMSON:
Cot breaks

MO:
Break cots

SAMSON:
Cot snakes

MO:
Snot cakes

SAMSON:
That’s what the cots are there for

JAYNIE:
But the secret is nobody ever sleeps

MO:
At least that’s what they told us in Topeka - the only other school to hold this dance-a-thon

SAMSON:
There will be a break every two hours

MO:
Weirdly, the Topeka High webpage hasn’t been updated since 2002, but the website admin was super helpful answering all the student council’s questions

SAMSON:
Like how often to put a break

MO:
I compiled it all into a handbook. See: “The Rules, Regulations, Terms and Conditions of the First Annual Plain Springs High Dance-a-thon, as compiled by Mo, publicly licensed for fair use.”

JAYNIE:
During this demonstration, the bodies of the contestants are biochemically calibrating the duration of 120 minutes

MO:
7,200 seconds

CONTESTANTS:
I HAVE BEEN ALIVE FOR HALF A BILLION SECONDS
AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE SECONDS
HAS BROUGHT ME TO HERE

I HAVE BEEN ALIVE FOR HALF A BILLION SECONDS
AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE SECONDS
HAS BROUGHT ME TO HERE

DJ and HENCHMEN:
OH OH OH OH...

CONTESTANTS (COMMENTATORS):
AND I AM IN THE VERY BEST HIGH SCHOOL
AND THIS WILL GET ME TO WHERE I NEED TO BE
YES I AM IN THE VERY BEST HIGH SCHOOL
AND THIS WILL GET ME TO WHERE I NEED TO BE

TO THE BEST COLLEGE
(GET ME WHERE I NEED, GET ME WHERE I NEED TO BE)
GOTTA GO TO COLLEGE
(GET ME WHERE I NEED, GET ME WHERE I NEED TO BE)

THEN TO THE BEST GRAD SCHOOL
(GET ME WHERE I NEED, GET ME WHERE I NEED TO BE)
THEN TO THE BEST INTERNSHIP
(GET ME WHERE I NEED, GET ME WHERE I NEED TO BE)

THEN TO THE BEST ENTRY LEVEL POSITION
(GET ME WHERE I NEED, GET ME WHERE I NEED TO BE)
THEN I WILL WORK MY WAY UP THE BUSINESS
(GET ME WHERE I NEED, GET ME WHERE I NEED TO BE)

YES I WILL WORK MY WAY UP
(GET ME WHERE I NEED, GET ME WHERE I NEED TO BE)
I WILL WORK MY WAY UP
(GET ME WHERE I NEED, GET ME WHERE I NEED TO BE...)

TOWARDS THE HORIZON
AND I WILL NEVER STOP
TIL I HAVE THE BEST LIFE
AND THE BEST HOUSE

AND THE BEST YARD
THE BEST PORTFOLIO
THE BEST SECURITIES
THE BEST PARTNER
THE BEST CHILDREN
THE BEST

GONNA HAVE THE BEST
THE BEST
THE BEST
THE BEST
TO THE BEST DEATH

GONNA DIE THE BEST DEATH

AND WHEN I DIE I’LL HAVE MY VERY OWN TOMB
WHEN I DIE I’LL HAVE MY VERY OWN TOMB
OF ECO-FRIENDLY MARBLE
AND FAIR TRADE PLATINUM

I WILL PLEASE YOU ALL
PLEASE DON’T STOP ME
TILL I’M THERE

DJ and HENCHMEN:
OH OH OH OH...

(DJ hits the AIR HORN.)