Don’t Put Your Daughter on the Stage Mrs. Worthington

Regarding yours, dear Mrs. Worthington
Of Wednesday the 23rd
Although your baby
May be
Keen on a stage career
How can I make it clear
That this in not a good idea
For her to hope
Dear Mrs. Worthington
Is on the face of it absurd
Her personality
Is not in reality
Inviting enough
Exciting enough
For this particular sphere

Refrain 1

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage
The profession is overcrowded
And the struggle's pretty tough
And admitting the fact
She's burning to act
That isn't quite enough
She has nice hands, to give the wretched girl her due
But don't you think her bust is too
Developed for her age?
I repeat
Mrs. Worthington
Sweet
Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage

Refrain 2

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage
She's a bit of an ugly duckling
You must honestly confess
And the width of her seat
Would surely defeat
Her chances of success
It's a loud voice, and though it's not exactly flat
She'll need a little more than that
To earn a living wage
On my knees
Mrs. Worthington
Please
Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage

Refrain 3

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage
Though they said at the school of acting
She was lovely as Peer Gynt
I'm afraid on the whole
An ingénue role
Would emphasize her squint
She's a big girl, and though her teeth are fairly good
She's not the type I ever would
Be eager to engage
No more buts
Mrs. Worthington
NUTS
Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage

(Song normally ends here, but there is another refrain)

Refrain 4

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage
One look at her bandy legs should prove
She hasn't got a chance
In addition to which
The son of a bitch
Can neither sing nor dance
She's a vile girl and uglier than mortal sin
One look at her has put me in
A tearing bloody rage
That sufficed
Mrs. Worthington
Christ!
Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage