Couch Potato

There ain't nothin' to do in my home town
So I grab my remote and I plant myself down
Suckin' down cheese balls by the pound
Gonna watch TV till my brain melts down

I got no wife and I got no life
But I got my remote so I'm set for the night
Never shower so I smell like rotten eggs
Cobwebs growin' out the side of my legs
Cause I haven't gotten up in sixteen years
Missin' a show is one of my worst fears
My father wants to know what kind of drugs I'm on
I don't get up to eat or even go to the john
Even if I wanted to I doubt I could
Because my legs feel like they're made of petrified wood
Here in the same place in the same slouch
My butt is fused to the cushion of the couch
Dropped out of school in the second grade
Got a ten foot screen, got a glass of lemonade
Got a jar next to me for when I have to pee
This is the way life was meant to be

There ain't nothin' to do in my home town
So I grab my remote and I plant myself down
Suckin' down cheese balls by the pound
Gonna watch TV till my brain melts down

Rats and roaches run around the room
I forgot what it's like to be in any other room
I stare at the tube and I never make a sound
Cause the TV set never lets me down
Talk shows, talk shows, all day long
With stuff like this, how can I go wrong?
Like cross dressin' Nazis who live on Gummy bears
And Elvis impersonators singing in their underwear
Games, game shows all day and night
I live for shows like The Price Is Right
I'm still waitin' to see Bob Barker cringe
When a fat woman pulls the big wheel off the hinge
Wait, what's happening, this has to be a joke
Oh, God, no, please, my remote is broke
These are brand new batteries I can't believe they blew
Now what the hell am I supposed to do?
There ain't nothin' to do in my home town
So I grab my rerote* and I plant myself down
Suckin' down cheese balls by the pound
Gonna watch TV till my brain melts down

[*rerote, n. (re-ROTE): 1.how a person says "remote"
After years of sitting in front of a television
Due to the brain damage caused by doing so.]