“Cool” Guys (skit)

*Dr. Bumquist’s dialogue from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"*

Announcer:
Alright welcome... to the third national DA’s convention on narcotics and dangerous drugs
And now, without further ado...
The man who will define this cancer eating at the heart of America...
Dr. L. Ron Bumquist

Gonzo:
L saw these bastards in Easy Rider, but l didn't believe they were real
Not like this, man, not hundreds of them

Raoul:
They’re actually pretty nice people once you get to know them

Gonzo:
Know them? l know these people in my goddamn blood

Raoul:
Don’t say that word around here. You'll get them excited

Gonzo:
You're right

Dr. Bumquist:
The most efficient way for us to do this is for each one of us...
To try and attempt...to imagine what it is like inside...of the possessed mind of the addict
For example...a dope fiend...refers to the reefer butt...as a ''roach''...
Because...it resembles a cockroach

Gonzo:
What the fuck are these people talking about?
You've got to be crazy on acid to think a joint looks like a goddamn cockroach

Dr. Bumquist:
You will notice that l have distinguished...
Four-- four distinct states of being...
In the cannabis or marijuana society
They are cool, groovy…hip, and square
Seldom, if ever--

Gonzo:
Too crazy, man. Too crazy
We should get the hell out. What a fucking nightmare

Dr. Bumquist
If he figures out what is happening...
Then he can rise one notch...
And become hip
And then if he can convince himself...
To approve of what is happening...
Then he becomes groovy
Groooovy
And then, after that, he can actually raise himself...
To the rank of cool
He can become one of those...
“Cool" guys