Chris’ Look/Eddie’s Big Rule

Hello, Chicago, thank you so much for coming out. Hi. Well, no, you don't- okay.

It's really... nice to be in Chicago. I was just in the South yesterday, and... this- people have a hard time with this (gestures towards himself) in the South, that's, um... when this walks into the gas station, it gets a- it gets a look. I notice, though, there's a big d- even in rural Illinois, there's a big difference between this... (puts his hair behind his ears) and this. This gets a "how you doin', buddy? Okay... good to see you, buddy. I'm not thrilled about what's happening, but you're on the right track." This is a cocker spaniel who's bi at best, bi at best. This, "okay, okay, hе hunts. Poorly, but he hunts."

I walked out in this blazer in Orlando and a girl, еleven- the distinct voice of an eleven-year-old girl says "I have that blazer!"

I thought this was a glamorous look and then I caught a glimpse of myself in a Hyundai rearview... and I just look like an old woman who's about to take over Tampa, just... "Here comes Ruthie!"

I've already broken the... I took the- back in... when I started doing standup comedy in, like... the 1960s, I took this course in Boston with this guy named Eddie. I've already broken "Eddie's big rule", which was "If ya don't take the-" he was, like, five foot one, and like, always slamming O'Douls, just non-alcoholic beer, and he said "If ya don't take the microphone out of the stand in the first fifteen seconds, you're screwed". And so for the first, like, 6 months of doing standup, it'd be like "give it up for Chris Fleming!" and I'd be like "How's everybody doing tonight?! Are we drinking?!? Are we drinking- are we dating?! Are we dating?!"