Carpet Tiles

The redundancy scheme
Was linked to his salary;
A good few bob
A chance to set upon his own
And they’d make a good team
Raymond and Valerie
He’d do the job
She’d do the books and man the phone
They made wonderful plans
Took a lock-up garage
Filled it to the doors
With bankrupt stock they bought at auction
They had a nice Luton van
On each side written quite large
It said ‘RayVal Floors
You’ve seen the rest, but we’re the best…

For Carpet Tiles
Estimatеs free for our Carpet Tiles
Hard-wearing Wiltons in sеveral styles
No VAT on our Carpet Tiles
From ten pounds a metre.’

He’s a nice little chap
And he’s doing his best
Working late each night
But orders just aren’t coming through
Val sits on his lap
She says ‘Don’t get depressed
It will be all right
‘Cos I believe in you…

And in those Carpet Tiles;
People will always need Carpet Tiles.’
Now look at him go; he’s all teeth and smiles
He’s going to sell you some Carpet Tiles
For eight pounds a metre

He jokes about sales staying on the floor
But the house is security
On the loan;
The ‘Caring Bank’ took care of that..
And when he asks them for more
They demand a fresh guarantee
What else do you own?
Then they wonder what he’s laughing at

He says ‘Carpet Tiles
All I’ve got left is the Carpet Tiles
Take some of them, I’ve got miles and miles;
Carpet the whole bleeding British Isles
At five pounds a metre.’

He thinks of Val’s face
And he gets out the file
The one on insurance
He reads through the Policy
Three o’clock in the morning
He gets in the van
He drives to the lock-up
He takes out the matches…

Messrs Jobson and Lock
Licensed Valuers and Auctioneers
Suggest our sale
For business opportunities
We have fire damaged stock
Just perfect for new careers
You couldn’t fail
With Lot 13 for instance which is…

Carpet Tiles
Two metric tons of new Carpet Tiles
Early inspection would be worthwhile;
Executive quality Carpet Tiles
Worth twelve pounds a metre
Carpet Tiles
Simple to lay and so versatile
Featuring guaranteed flame-proof pile
Now what am I bid for these Carpet Tiles?
Can I hear two pounds a metre?