Birthday Card

[Verse 1]
I was on my last warning from Mrs. Example
Clean up my act, stop being an asshole
Didn't help my debacle
I'd just woken up from an all day, all night, filthy bar crawl
Something quite bate about today's date
It was hard to locate, I'd drunk too much Pernod
Took another swipe with my Mach 3 Turbo
Then it hit me like a raging inferno

[Hook]
I don't believe it, I
Forgot her bloody birthday card
She won't be a happy girl
Forgot her bloody birthday card
She gonna scream and yell
Forgot her bloody birthday card
She'll leave me man, she might as well
Forgot her bloody birthday card

[Verse 2]
I try to keep things relative
Never give edicts to myself if I can
But I can only think negative
Used to tell her shit like I'd lost my pen
Now there's a chance that I'll never see her face again
So I walk a fine line, but it's not the end
See, I bought her a voucher for H&M
She can get a new skirt and she'll look the part
And if it don't work, pour out my heart

[Spoken]
Look, yeah, I'm going to be completely honest with you, you know I love you, you know I respect you
At the end of the day, a birthday card is just a piece of paper innit? In an envelope
Yeah I know a voucher is a piece of paper too
Yeah, but you can get a skirt with that
Well you can get shoes then

Wait, wait, allow that, allow that

Wait, nah that's bullshit, I can't do that
Can't sound like a wanker with girly chat
So I gotta make a dash for the petrol station
Cause their cards are perfect for any occasion
I drop my razor and splash my boat
I grab some tracky B's and a random coat
Then I'm on it with a wallet and I hit the pavement
I'm running down the street with my face half shaven
I'm getting stronger and stronger, my legs are burning
There's still hope yet, just a couple of turnings
See the longer I wander the more I'm screwed
She gets here at 10 and it's quarter to

[Hook]

[Verse 3]
I get to the garage, panick, scanning the rack
99 percent of the range is all crap
"Happy Birthday Dad", "World's Best Mother"
"I Love You Sister", "You're a Special Brother"
No other bloody card with a cover for a lover
Plus I'm getting kinda stressed as I search for another
But this one struck me, it's pink and funky
With a cartoon print of a drunken monkey

There's a chance that I'll make it, I'm nearly done
I hand in the coins and it's time to run

Now it's 5 minutes to and I'm nearly home
I feel the vibration and check my phone
The message reads, "Honey, I'll be there shortly
I just got off the bus and I've started walking"
So like Kelly Holmes I sprint the home straight
I rip my tracky B's as I hurdle the gate (Shit!)
I crash through the door, and fall up the stairs
Looking like I've been in intensive care
The Biro's fucked, the pencil's broken
I grab a Magic Marker and write a token
Of my appreciation for her
And the things that she does that make her so per-fect
Shit, there's the bell
I seal the envelope it should all be swell
Look, here she is, my Kiera Knightly
She gives me a kiss and I hug her tightly
She asks why I've only shaved half my face
And sweating like I've just come first in some race
"I got up extra early
To exercise and stretch my thighs
So I could see my special girly"
She looks in my eyes and sees my lies
With a dubious face she accepts the card (Here you go)
She reads it, drops it and slaps me hard (What?)
I open it up and prepare for doom
The text in the card reads "Get Well Soon" (Damn)

[Hook]

[Outro: spoken]
Okay, yeah, I admit, yeah, I messed up. I messed up big time
But have I got a surprise for you
Yep, nah nah, wait for it
I booked us a table...
At Nando's
No, s-. where are you going?
Seriously, where are you going?
It's only a card!