Being Single Again

I don't know how to start shows. It's just a problem that I have
I nev—, I never figured out how to come out and just start talking
Because the first thing you say on stage always feels stupid. Because there's no real reason for me to talk to you. It just doesn't exist. I don't know you, you don't, you don't even know each other. You're facing the same direction, that's all you have in common. So I just have to bleh

It's like talkin' to a girl at a bar because you're attracted to her
The first thing you say is just gonna be dog shit comin' out of your mouth. Because you don't know her. The only honest thing that you can say to her is "I wanna fuck your face." That's the only thing you can say, that you can mean. Anything else you can say is you trying really hard not to say "I wanna fuck your face." That's the only thing. "I wanna, put my penis in the lowest hole in your head."

I was never good at that. Like I was very bad at being single. Which is a problem because I'm divorced so I'm single again. After ten years of marriage, and no, here, cut the shit. Don't even start with that noise like a puppy died. Let me tell you somethin.' Let me tell you somethin' and this is important. Because some day one of your friends is gonna get divorced. It's gonna happen. And they're gonna tell you. Don't go "Oh, I'm sorry." That's a stupid thing to say, it really is. First of all, you're makin' 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair
And sec—, let me explain somethin' to you
Divorce is always good news
I know that sounds weird, but it's true
Because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce
It's really that simple, that's never happened
It, that would be sad
If two people were married and they were really happy
And they just had a great thing and then they got divorced
That would be really sad
But that has happened zero times, literally zero
Ray Charles has killed more Jews
Than happy marriages have ended in divorce

So if your friend got divorced it means things were bad
And now they're, I mean
I mean they're, they're better, they're not good
Life is shit wall-to-wall, but they're better
So you should be happy
But, the part that's difficult is being single at forty-one
After ten years of marriage and two kids
It's, that's like having a bunch of money
In the currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore
Like, like I found 500,000,000 Prussian Franks
I can't really take advantage of being single
Because I didn't, I didn't expect to be single
I'm not prepared, I didn't think I'd ever be—
I didn't keep this shit up, you understand?
I didn't maintain any of this
At presentation condition
It's function only, it was not
I didn't think I would need it that way
I thought I was gonna be shovin' it into the same person
Every three months 'til one of us died
That's, what I thought was the nature of the deployment for this
I didn't think it'd have to be like
Appealing to someone, from scratch
It's like havin' a, it's like havin' a '73 Dodge Dart in your backyard
And it's been sittin' back there with grass growin'
You don't have any—, it's not an old Mustang
You have no plans to restore that Dart
You don't even see it when you look out the window
And now you find out that's you only way to work
You need that car now
And you're like "Aw, shit, I— I didn't take
Its got bees in it, I didn't take care of it
It's full of bees
There's a family of mice livin' in the tail-pipe
I can't take that to work"

I have no single instincts I know to much to be single
I know everything that happens now
That's no good for single
You gotta be optimistic to be single, stupid, you have to be stupid
That's what optimistic means you know
It means stupid
An optimist— somebody goes
"Hey, maybe something nice will happen?"
Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?
What are you, stupid?
But that's the attitude you have to be to be single
You have to look at somebody and go "Ooh maybe—"
I don't look at it that way
Even when I see somebody I'm attracted to

At was at a gym the other day
Why, why?
I'm at a gym, I'm not—, I'm just, I'm just wearing shorts
That's all I'm doin' there
Just standin' there
And I look over and there's a girl on the— you know
With the ponytail and she's on this thing
And I'm lookin' at her and I'm like "Oh, she's awesome, shit"
But then I start thinkin', wait a minute I'm single
I'm on the market, I have value
I could say somethin' to her, I could just walk up and say somethin'
And I'm, tryin' to think, what am I gonna to say?
What—, what is, what do I look to somebody like that?
And then I realize it's been way too long
I just been standin' there starin' at her

I have no identity in the single world
I can't— I look at them and I don't know what they're doin'
I-I-I tried just jerkin' off to Girls Gone Wild the other day
Just to re-enter the community that way
Just to feel part of it
And I bought it, not the commercial on Comedy Central
I paid money, like a grown-up, I put my credit card down
And waited it for— to come to my house, I'm an adult
So I'm tryin' to jerk off to Girls Gone Wild
I can't do it, 'cause I'm a father, I'm too old
I'm just getting mad at everybody in the video
I'm like, you fuckin' irresponsible bitches go back to school
What are you doin' down there?
There's two wars and a depression
Put your— get the oil off your tits and study for fucks sake