Basketball

Michael walks into the office holding a gym bag
MICHAEL: Hey, you ready? All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. (Ryan holds up his bag) Very good. Excellent, excellent.

DWIGHT: Michael!

Cut to Michael's office

MICHAEL: Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops and I play basketball every weekend so I thought, "This might be kinda fun." And I started messing around and I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.

Michael sneaks up to Pam's desk

MICHAEL: Pam, Pam, thank you, ma'am. Messages, please.

DWIGHT: Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? - I think I should be on the team.

MICHAEL: No. And that's not me being mean. That is based on your past behavior.

DWIGHT: Oh please.

MICHAEL: When I let him come to my pick-up game...

DWIGHT: I apologized for that.

MICHAEL: I vouched for you. I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm gonna do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.

DWIGHT: I can handle that.

MICHAEL: Good. Excellent. It'll be fun. Because Corporate wants somebody to be here on Saturday and so we have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't wanna deal with that.

DWIGHT: It's why you have an assistant manager.

MICHAEL: Yes, it is. Assistant to the regional manager.

DWIGHT: Same thing.

MICHAEL: No, it's not. It's lower, so.

DWIGHT: It's close. So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that should be... Jim.

JIM: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this?

Phyllis: Keep me out of it.

PAM: My fiancé has plans for us this Saturday so I really hope Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding. Kidding. Totally kidding.

MICHAEL: All right! Managing by walking around! This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. Don't you do that. I've earned the right.

RYAN: Fine, don't worry about that.

MICHAEL: And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood". Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.

DARRYL: What's up?

MICHAEL: This is the foreman, Mister Rogers.

DARRYL: Not my real name.

MICHAEL: No, Darryl is Mister Rogers.

RYAN: Darryl Rogers?

DARRYL: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers.

MICHAEL: And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. The best-looking one upstairs.

RYAN: Yeah, yeah.

MICHAEL: You still getting it regular, man, huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job. Rapport.

PAM: No, I know that the warranty's expired but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years.

JIM: Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Which she got at her engagement shower. For a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago.

MICHAEL: So, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.

DARRYL: We're loading at one.

MICHAEL: I see, you're chickening out on me.

DARRYL: No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. That's the busy time.

MICHAEL: Well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh. Oh. You can dish it out but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way.

DARRYL: All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock.

MICHAEL: All right, see you at one. Are we ready for the game?

EVERYONE: Yeah.

MICHAEL: I know. Grumble, grumble, but you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord Of The Rings.

DWIGHT: Gimli.

MICHAEL: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

DWIGHT: Just trying to be helpful.

MICHAEL: "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword."

JIM: That's him.

MICHAEL: So let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley, of course.

STANLEY: I'm sorry?

MICHAEL: What do you play, center?

STANLEY: Why "of course"?

MICHAEL: Uh...

STANLEY: What's that supposed to mean?

MICHAEL: I don't know. I don't remember saying that.

JIM: I heard it.

MICHAEL: Well, people hear a lot of things, man.
Um, other starters... me, of course. I heard it that time.

PHYLLIS: I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.
MICHAEL: Um yeah... Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.

RYAN: I'm getting paid to skip lunch?

MICHAEL: Yes.

RYAN: OK.

MICHAEL: Yes. This is business. The business of team building and morale boosting. Uh who else?

OSCAR: I can help out if you need me.

MICHAEL: I will use your talents come baseball season. Or if we box.

KEVIN: I have a hoop in my driveway.

MICHAEL: No.

PHYLLIS: I have a sports bra.

MICHAEL: No, no, ridiculous!

DWIGHT: Michael, look.

MICHAEL: Close. All right. Uh Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.

DWIGHT: Yes!

MICHAEL: Sorry, Phyllis.

DWIGHT: Can I be captain?

MICHAEL: No, I am.

DWIGHT: Can I be team manager?

MICHAEL: You're assistant to the manager.

DWIGHT: Assistant team manager?

MICHAEL: No.

DWIGHT: OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then.

MICHAEL: Jim, take over the vacation schedule.

JIM: Oh, my God.

MICHAEL: Threat neutralized. Off the backboard!

PAM: Please don't throw garbage at me.

MICHAEL: Oh, Pam, with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some pigtails, a little haltertop, tie that up.
And something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?

PAM: I don't think so, Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiancé.

JIM: I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and...

MICHAEL: I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.

PAM: Maybe Angela would cheerlead.

MICHAEL: Yeah, right.

ANGELA: I'll do it.

MICHAEL: Yuk. That's worse than you playing... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you.
Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it.
Suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good. (Darryl walks in) Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays?

DARRYL: Just getting a tea bag.

MICHAEL: He's running. He's running but he can't hide because one o'clock, you better bring your A game. Because me and my posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!

DARRYL: Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.

MICHAEL: Wo-ho. I like the way you think. I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser works on Saturday.

DARRYL: No, that's not as much fun. You know what?

MICHAEL: What?

DARRYL: You're on.

MICHAEL: OK. Cool. You're on. (to Dwight) Don't screw this up.

In the warehouse

MICHAEL: (watching Darryl relax and eat his lunch) Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game.

In the office

ANGELA: Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? (Dwight holds it up) How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you.

JIM: Basketball? It was my thing in high school. And, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here. You coming down?

PAM: Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones.

JIM: Gonna wish me luck?

PAM: Yeah, you're gonna need it.

JIM: Is that trash talk from Pam?

PAM: I'm just saying. Roy is very competitive and he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so...

JIM: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names, and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.

PAM: Um I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.

JIM: I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah.

MICHAEL: (Stanley walks into the warehouse) Hey! There he is. Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here. The Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it!

JIM: Have a good game man.

ROY: yeah, you too. Should be fun.

MICHAEL: All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?

RYAN: I stretched before I came.

MICHAEL: OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.

JIM: Really? I thought I'd take Roy.

MICHAEL: Roy is their best player, not Lonny. So, Dwight, you have the East German gal. Um... OK. All right, you guys!

DWIGHT: (taking his shirt off) OK, we'll be skins

MICHAEL: Come on, Dwight.

DWIGHT: What? Shirts on or off?

MICHAEL: On. Just put it on.

DWIGHT: You sure?

MICHAEL: Yes. Pam? You have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the jump ball, OK?

ROY: Don't listen to him. Tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.

MICHAEL: Stanley! (Stanley dribbles the ball very poorly) What? You gotta be kidding me!? (Roy steals the ball and goes for a layup) Oh Here we go! (Lonny shoots and makes it in) Who's on him? Somebody get him!

WAREHOUSE TEAMMATES: Yeah!

ROY: That's what I'm talking about.

MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Over here! (Jim passes the ball to Michael) Here we go. Three! (Michael misses his shot) Go to zone! We're going to zone!

DWIGHT: Defense! (clap, clap)

DWIGHT & MICHAEL: Defense! (clap, clap) Defense! (clap, clap) Defense!

WAREHOUSE WORKER: Well done, team!

MICHAEL: Who's got Roy?

PAM: Woo!
MICHAEL: (shoots a half-court shot and misses) Come on, what is wrong with me today? Usually hit those. (Dwight scores) Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go.

MICHAEL: OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul. OK, I'll take it. (Michael takes an extensive amount of time preparing for the shot and misses) Okay! (In Michael's office) When I am playing hoops, all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone. I'm in the zone. Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know. I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually. (in the warehouse) Jim! Jim! Jim, right here! Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut!

JIM: My bad.

DARRYL: Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Uh, uh, uh.

LONNY: Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over here. Oh! Uh!

MICHAEL: That is cool. Is that like The Robot? (Ryan scores) Nice! Come here! (Michael gives Ryan a chest bump)

RYAN: Can we just do one? That's cool. That's fine.

DARRYL: Come on.

ROY: All right, let's go.

WAREHOUSE WORKER: Watch your back, Madge!

MADGE: Back off, man! Come on!

MICHAEL: Hey, Dwight! Dwight!

DWIGHT: Yeah! In your face!

MADGE: Like that counts.

MICHAEL: You know what? Dwight, Dwight... Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of (scatting) dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do

ROY: Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball.
MICHAEL: All right, time, time out. Come on, Sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on! What's going on?You're playing like a bunch of girls.

JIM: Let me take Roy.
MICHAEL: All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on. Shoot it, shoot it. (Jim gets accidentally hit in the face by Roy) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is You all right, Jim? Suck it up.

DARRYL: Block, block, block!

MADGE: He's afraid of you now.

MICHAEL: Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt? (Jim pushes Roy to the ground as he makes a shot) Yes!

ROY: What the hell, man?

JIM: Take it easy.

ROY: No, you take it easy.

MICHAEL: Watch the long passes, you guys!

RYAN: (Dwight steals the ball from Ryan) Same team, Dwight.

MICHAEL: Dwight!

DWIGHT: Yes!

MICHAEL: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In your face! Angela, what's the score?

ANGELA: You're ahead.

MICHAEL: Yeah, baby, here we go! Jim! Jim! Right here! (Michael runs into the elbow of someone on the other team) Ow, God! Hold it!

WORKER: I'm sorry.

MICHAEL: Foul! Foul!

WORKER: I'm sorry. You all right?

MICHAEL: Oh, that hurts.

WORKER: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.

MICHAEL: What's your problem, man? Just clocking me for no reason.

DARRYL: Take your shot, man!

MICHAEL: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, intentional foul.

WORKER: No, it wasn't!

MICHAEL: Yes, it was! I'm just being fair.

WORKER: No, I just put my arm up

MICHAEL: Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just We're having a friendly game. It's a shame! This is a damn shame but we're like a family here and that won't fly.

ANGELA: This is a cold pack.

DWIGHT: You have to break the bag. (Dwight squeezes the cold pack and it explodes)

MICHAEL: Thanks, Dwight.

LONNY: Wait, what does that mean? What, is it a tie? What's going on?

MICHAEL: Well let's say whoever was ahead won.

DARRYL: That was you.

MICHAEL: It was us? Really? I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face.

ROY: No, I'm not coming in on Saturday.

DARRYL: Yeah, this isn't happening.

MICHAEL: Um... well, guys, you know, I'm the boss so...

LONNY: So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right?

MICHAEL: Hey, hey...

LONNY: Monday?

MICHAEL: You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. Do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly. No. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. No, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word.

(In the office)

JIM: So I talked to this scout. It looks good.

PAM: Mmm-hmm

JIM: I didn't sign anything.

ROY: Hey, baby.

PAM: Hey.

ROY: Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend.

PAM: Yeah, he's pretty good, huh? Let's get you into a tub.

ROY: Yeah? Let's get you in a tub.

MICHAEL: Hey. What a game, huh? What a game.

OSCAR: What time do we have to come in?

MICHAEL: Come on. Let's not be gloomy. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw Corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend. (Michael aside to the camera) The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.