Am i gonna die?

Some personal news:

All the sleepless nights i spent
Plotting every step of this
I thought it'd be magnificent
But i don't feel any different

My final moment of revenge
Everything led up to it
What an absolute embarrassment
And i don't feel any different

Am i gonna make it just to live
Forever with the knowledge
That every breath that i take in
Should have gone to someone more deserving?

Has every single thing i love
Turned callous and corrupt
Or is this just
The way it always was?

All the muscles in my face
Are desperate to give away
The things i'm trying not to say
To anyone who'll listen

An avalanche of steaming shit
Heaped upon whatever's left
Of the best laid plans of mice and them
And i don't feel any different

Am i gonna die because
I couldn't hide it well enough?
If i survive is it just
Because some paperwork got lost?
Is every single thing i've touched
Now crumbling into dust
Or is this just
The way it always was?