After You’ve Gone

[Intro: Alfred Hitchcock]
My next remarks will be directed to those who have already been murdered
I hope you listen closely
By now you have learned the sad truth:
That being a murder victim can be inconvenient at times
There is a lack of certain bodily comforts
You may already be on a cold slab in a drafty morgue
Or you may be back at the scene of the crime
Still warm and limber
Waiting wearily while your murderer decides what to do with the body
This is the naughties problem connected with murder
That is, unless your assassin is the highly original gentleman I once knew
He waits until rigor mortis sets in and then uses his victims for book-ends
They make charming conversation pieces

[Orchestra]