Act 3 Scene 1: So They Say/Everyone’s a Hero/Slipping/Everything You Ever

[On-screen, the NEWSWOMAN and NEWSMAN are finishing a news report.]

[NEWSWOMAN]
Looks like we're finding out what a true hero is.

[NEWSMAN]
The mayor himself will be on-hand to dedicate the new homeless shelter and unveil the statue of Captain Hammer.

[NEWSWOMAN]
It's a good day to be homeless.

[NEWSMAN]
Ha ha ha! It certainly is.

[DR. HORRIBLE is working in his lab on a Death Ray, and PENNY and CAPTAIN HAMMER are in the homeless shelter.]

[Track 10. "So They Say"]

[MOVING GUY]
So they say Captain Hammer's become a crusader
Political—he's cleaning up the streets

[OTHER MOVING GUY]
About time

[GROUPIE #1]
So they say it's real love

[ALL GROUPIES]
So romantic

[GROUPIE #2, holding up a headshot of Captain Hammer]
He signed this

[PENNY]
So they say we'll have blankets and beds
We can open by Monday, thanks to you

[HAMMER]
Thanks to me!

[NEWSMAN & NEWSWOMAN]
It's the perfect story

[NEWSMAN]
So they say

[NEWSWOMAN]
A hero leading the way

[NEWSMAN & NEWSWOMAN]
Hammer's call to glory

[NEWSWOMAN]
Let's all be our best

[NEWSMAN]
Next up—who's gay?

[GROUPIE #3]
So they say he saved her life

[GROUPIE #1]
They say she works with the homeless and doesn't eat meat
We have a

[ALL GROUPIES]
Problem with her

[GROUPIE #2, holding up a locket of Captain Hammer's hair]
This is his hair

[HAMMER]
This is so nice
I just might sleep with the same girl twice
They say it's better the second time
They say you get to do the weird stuff

[ALL GROUPIES]
We do the weird stuff

[PENNY]
This is perfect for me
So they say, I guess he's pretty okay
After years of stormy sailing
Have I finally found the bay?

[HORRIBLE]
There's no happy ending
So they say,
Not for me anyway

Stop pretending
Take a chance to build
​a brand new day
[PENNY]
There's no happy ending
So they say

Should I
​stop pretending
Or is this a brand
​new day

[GROUPIE #2]
This is his dry-cleaning bill

[GROUPIE]
Four sweater-vests!

[The MAYOR starts to speak at the podium.]

[MAYOR]
And in just a few minutes, we'll unveil the statue of the man himself. Thank you. Thank you. Justice has a name, and the name that it has, besides Justice, is Captain Hammer. Ladies and gentlemen, your hero!

[HAMMER]
Thank you. Thank you Mayor for those kind words.

[CAPTAIN HAMMER begins to read his speech off of cue cards, causing his words to be cut off]

[HAMMER]
I hate the homeless... -ness problem that plagues our city. Everyone should have the basic... [Captain Hammer disregards his cue cards.] You know what? I don't need tiny cue cards. When I fell deeply in love with my serious, long-term girlfriend Penny. Wave your hand Penny. There she is! Cute, huh? Sort of a quiet, nerdy thing. Not my usual, but nice. Anyway. She turned me on to this whole homeless thing, which is terrible, and I realized, I’m not the only hero in the room tonight. I'm not the only one who's fighting.

[Track 11. "Everyone's a Hero"]

[HAMMER]
It may not feel too classy
Begging just to eat
But you know who does that? Lassie
And she always gets a treat
So you wonder what your part is
Cause you're homeless and depressed
But home is where the heart is
So your real home's in your chest

Everyone's a hero in their own way
Everyone's got villains they must face
They're not as cool as mine
But folks, you know it's fine to know your place

Everyone's a hero in their own way
In their own not that heroic way
So I thank my girlfriend, Penny
Yeah, we totally had sex
She showed me there's so many
Different muscles I can flex
There's the deltoids of compassion
There's the abs of being kind
It's not enough to bash in heads
You've got to bash in minds

Everyone's a hero in their own way
Everyone's got something they can do
Get up, go out, and fly
Especially that guy, he smells like poo

Everyone's a hero in their own way
You, and you, and mostly me, and you
I'm poverty's new sheriff
And I'm bashing in the slums
A hero doesn't care if you're a
Bunch of scary, alcoholic bums!
Everybody!

[HAMMER]
Everyone's a hero in their own way

Everyone can blaze a hero's trail

Don't worry if it's hard
If you're not a friggin' tard you will prevail
Everyone's a hero in their own way

Everyone's a hero in their—

[Crowd]
We're heroes too
We're just like you

Ah ah ah
We're heroes too

[DR. HORRIBLE comes out from under the sheet that is supposed to be the statue, and shoots CAPTAIN HAMMER with the Freeze Ray]

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Mmhmhmhmhmhahahahaha.

[DR. HORRIBLE jumps off of the platform]

[Track 12. "Slipping"]

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Look at these people
Amazing how sheep'll show up for the slaughter
No one condemning you,
Lined up like lemmings you led to the water
Why can't they see what I see?
Why can't they hear the lies?
Maybe the fee's too pricey for them to realize
Your disguise is slipping
I think you're slipping
Now that your savior is still as the grave
You're beginning to fear me
Like cavemen fear thunder, I still have to wonder
Can you really hear me?
I bring you pain, the kind you can't suffer quietly
Fire up your brain, remind you inside you're rioting
Society is slipping
Everything's slipping away. So...

[Grabs his Death Ray and fires it in the air]

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Go ahead! Run away! Say it was horrible
Spread the word! Tell a friend! Tell them the tale
Get a pic! Do a blog! Heroes are over with
Look at him! Not a word! Hammer meet nail!
Then I win, then I get everything I ever
All the cash! And the fame! And social change
Anarchy, that I run! It's Dr. Horrible's turn
You people all have to learn
This world is going to burn! Burn!

[Turns to a reporter]

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Yeah, it's two R's. H-O-R-R, yeah.
Burn!
No sign of Penny
Good, I would give anything not to have her see
It's gonna be bloody, head up Billy, buddy
There's no time for mercy
Here goes no mercy!

[As "Slipping" finishes, the Freeze Ray audibly powers down.]

[DR. HORRIBLE]
That's not a good sound...

[CAPTAIN HAMMER punches DR. HORRIBLE, sending him and the Death Ray flying back. CAPTAIN HAMMER walks over and picks up the Death Ray, puts his foot on DR. HORRIBLE, and finishes "Everyone's a Hero" while subtly flipping DR. HORRIBLE the bird.]

[HAMMER]
Way!
A Death Ray. Looks like Dr. Horrible's moving up. Let's see if this one works any better than your others.

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Don't...

[HAMMER (interrupting)]
I don't have time for your warnings. You give my regards to Saint Peter. Or whoever has his job, but in Hell.

[CAPTAIN HAMMER fires the Death Ray, but it backfires and sends him flying backwards. The Death Ray shatters.]

[[HAMMER]
AAAGGGHHHH! I'm in pain! I think this is what pain feels like. Oh mama! Someone maternal! Get out of my way!

CAPTAIN HAMMER exits. DR. HORRIBLE gets up and looks around. He looks over to see that PENNY has been struck by the shrapnel of the Death Ray. DR. HORRIBLE runs over to her.]

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Penny! Penny! Penny.

[PENNY]
Billy? Is that you?

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Penny, hold on. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[PENNY]
Billy? Are you alright?

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Hold on.

[PENNY]
It's okay. It's okay. Captain Hammer will save us.

[PENNY dies. DR. HORRIBLE tries to speak, but incoherent starts of words come out. He stands up and reporters come up to him with cameras]

[CROWD (all struggling to get Dr. Horrible's attention)]
Dr. Horrible! Why did you kill her? Dr. Horrible!

[Track 13. "Everything You Ever"]

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Here lies everything
The world I wanted at my feet
My victory's complete
So hail to the king
Arise and sing
So your world's benign
So you think justice has a voice
And we all have a choice
Well now your world is mine
And I am fine

[DR. HORRIBLE puts on his new lab coat and starts to enter the conference room of the E.L.E.]

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Now the nightmare's real
Now Dr. Horrible is here
To make you quake with fear
To make the whole world kneel
And I won't feel

[BILLY is in his lab]

[BILLY]
A thing.