Act 1 Scene 2: Caring Hands/A Man’s Gotta Do

[We see PENNY on the sidewalk, holding a clipboard and attempting to hand out fliers, though no one takes them.]

[Track 4. "Caring Hands"]

[PENNY]
Will you lend a caring hand, to shelter those who need it?
Only have to sign your name, don't even have to read it
Would you help?

(spoken)
...No? How 'bout you?

[DR. HORRIBLE is in his BILLY persona. He has a duffel bag and looks down the alley to see a van parked outside a building. He pulls out a receiver that will allow him to remote control and throws it towards the van. The receiver attaches itself to the van. BILLY pulls out the remote control and activates the receiver. As he's looking at the remote control, PENNY walks up behind him, singing a bar from “Caring Hands”.]

[PENNY]
Will you lend a caring han-...

[BILLY (startled)]
Ah! Aaah!

[PENNY (startled from Billy's reaction)]
Oh, oh!

[BILLY]
Ah! Ah! Hah! What?

[PENNY]
I, I was wondering if I could just... Hey, I know you!

[BILLY]
Hello. You know me? Cool. I mean, yeah, you do. Do you?

[PENNY]
From the Laundromat?

[BILLY (absentmindedly, then flustered, then "suave")]
Wednesdays and Saturdays, except twice last month you skipped the weekend. Or, if that was you. It could have been somebody else. I mean, I've seen you. Billy is my name.

[PENNY]
I'm Penny. What are you doing?

[BILLY]
Texting. It's very important or I would stop. What are you doing?

[PENNY]
Actually I'm out here volunteering for the Caring Hands Homeless Shelter. Can you spare a minute?

[BILLY (glancing at the van)]
Ummm... okay, go.

[PENNY]
Okay, umm, we're hoping to open up a new location soon, expand our efforts. There's this great building nearby that the city is just going to demolish and turn into a parking lot, but if we get enough signatures...

[BILLY (condescendingly)]
Signatures? *pfft*

[PENNY]
Yeah.

[BILLY]
I'm sorry, go on.

[PENNY]
I was saying, um, maybe we could get the city to donate the building to our cause. We would be able to provide 250 new beds, get people off the streets and into job training so they could... buy rocket packs and go to the moon and become... florists... You're not really interested in the homeless, are you?

[BILLY]
No, I am. But they're a symptom. You're treating a symptom and the disease rages on, consumes the human race. The fish rots from the head as they say. So my thinking is why not cut off the head?

[PENNY]
Of the human race?

[BILLY]
It's not a...perfect...metaphor. But I'm talking about an overhaul of the system. Putting the power in...DIFFERENT...hands.

[PENNY]
I'm all for that... this petition is about the building...

[BILLY]
I'd love to sign.

[PENNY]
Thank you.

[BILLY]
Sorry I... I come on strong.

[PENNY]
But you signed.

[BILLY]
Wouldn't want to turn my back on a fellow laundry person...

[PENNY]
Well if we can't stick together I don't... [Penny notices Horrible directing his attention away from her and towards the van.] I'll probably see you there.

[As PENNY is speaking, BILLY notices that the Wonderflonium is being transported to the van]

[BILLY]
No, I will, I'll... She talked to me. Why did she talk to me now? Maybe I should...

[BILLY considers whether or not he should go talk to PENNY, but his need to join the Evil League of Evil overpowers his want of PENNY, and he decides to carry out his plan. Partway through his lines, BILLY stoops down, and a second later remerges as DR. HORRIBLE.]

[Track 5. "A Man's Gotta Do"]

[DR. HORRIBLE, sung]
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
Don't plan the plan if you can't follow through
All that matters is taking matters into your own hands
Soon I'll control everything
My wish is your command...

[HAMMER]
Stand back everyone, nothing here to see
Just imminent danger, in the middle of it me
Yes, Captain Hammer's here, hair blowing in the breeze
The day needs my saving expertise

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
Seems destiny ends with me saving you
The only doom that's looming is you loving me to death
So I'll give you a sec to catch your breath

[Captain Hammer "saves" Penny by pushing her out of the trajectory of the van and into a pile of garbage.]

[DR. HORRIBLE]
You idiot!

[HAMMER]
Dr. Horrible. I should have known you were behind this.

[DR. HORRIBLE]
You almost killed her!

[HAMMER]
I remember it differently.

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Is she...

[DR. HORRIBLE chokes as HAMMER's fist grabs his neck]

[HAMMER]
It's curtains for you, Dr. Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains.

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Whuh?

[PENNY, sung]
Thank you Hammer Man, I don't think I can
Explain how important it was that you stopped the van
I would be splattered, I'd be crushed under debris
Thank you sir for saving me

[HAMMER]
Don't worry about it.

[HAMMER]
A man's gotta do what a
​man's gotta do

Seems destiny ends with
​me
​saving you

When you're the best, you can't rest, what's the use?

There's ass needs kicking, some ticking
​bomb to diffuse

The only doom that's looming is you loving me to death
So, please give me a sec to catch my breath

[PENNY]
You came from above

I wonder
​what you're captain
​of

My heart is beating like a drum

Must
​be,
​Must be in shock

Assuming
​I'm not loving you to death
So, please give me a sec to catch my
​breath

[DR. HORRIBLE]
Are you kidding?

What heist were you watching?

Stop looking at her like that.

Did you notice that he threw you in the garbage?

I stopped the van.

The remote control was in my hand!

Whatever

[DR. HORRIBLE, spoken]
Balls!