A Little Priest

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
But you know me, bright ideas just pop into my head and you know what I'm thinking?
Seems a downright shame

[TODD, spoken]
Shame?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Seems an awful waste
Such a nice plump frame
What's his name has… had… has
Nor he can't be traced
Business needs a lift
Debts to be erased
Think of it as thrift
As a gift
If you get my drift
No?
Seems an awful waste
I mean, with the price of meat
What it is
When you get it
If you get it
Good, you got it
Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop
Business never better, using only pussycats and toast
And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste

[TODD (and MRS. LOVETT)]
Mrs. Lovett
What a charming notion (Well, it does seem a waste)
Eminently practical
And yet appropriate as always
Mrs. Lovett (It's an idea)
How I've lived without you all these years
I'll never know

How delectable
Also undetectable
How choice
How rare

[MRS. LOVETT]
Think about it, lots of other gentlemen'll
Soon be comin' for a shave, won't they?
Think of
All them
Pies

[TODD]
For what's the sound of the world out there

[MRS. LOVETT]
What, Mr. Todd?
What, Mr. Todd?
What is that sound?

[TODD]
Those crunching noises pervading the air

[MRS. LOVETT]
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, all around

[TODD]
It's man devouring man, my dear

[TODD/MRS. LOVETT]
And who are we to deny it in here?

[TODD]
Ah, these are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett. Desperate measures are called for

[MRS. LOVETT]
Here we are now, hot out of the oven

[TODD]
What is that?

[MRS. LOVETT]
It's priest
Have a little priest

[TODD]
Is it any good?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh
So it's pretty fresh

[TODD]
Awful lot of fat

[MRS. LOVETT]
Only where it sat

[TODD]
Haven't you got poet, or something like that?

[MRS. LOVETT]
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
How do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!

[TODD]
Mm, heavenly! Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, but then not as bland as curate, either!

[MRS. LOVETT]
And good for business, too because it always leaves you wantin' more!
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!
Lawyer's rather nice

[TODD]
If it's for a price

[MRS. LOVETT]
Order something else, though, to follow
Since no one should swallow it twice!

[TODD]
Anything that's lean?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Well, then, if you're British and loyal
You might enjoy Royal Marine
Anyway, it's clean
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!

[TODD]
Is that squire
On the fire?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Mercy no, sir, look closer
You'll notice it's grocer!

[TODD]
Looks thicker
More like vicar!

[MRS. LOVETT]
No, it has to be grocer
It's green!

[TODD]
The history of the world, my love

[MRS. LOVETT]
Save a lot of graves
Do a lot of relatives favours!

[TODD]
Is those below serving those up above!

[MRS. LOVETT]
Ev'rybody shaves
So there should be plenty of flavours!

[TODD]
How gratifying for once to know

[TODD/MRS. LOVETT]
That those above will serve those down below!

[MRS. LOVETT]
Now, what 'ave we got 'ere? Er, we've got tinker

[TODD]
Something... pinker

[MRS. LOVETT]
Tailor?

[TODD]
Paler

[MRS. LOVETT]
Potter?

[TODD]
Hotter

[MRS. LOVETT]
Butler?

[TODD]
Subtler

[MRS. LOVETT]
Locksmith?
Lovely bit of clerk

[TODD]
Maybe for a lark

[MRS. LOVETT]
Then again there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark!
Try the financier
Peak of his career!

[TODD]
That looks pretty rank

[MRS. LOVETT]
Well, he drank
It's a bank cashier
Never really sold
Maybe it was old

[TODD]
Have you any Beadle?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Next week, so I'm told!
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and
Notice 'ow well it's been greased...
Stick to priest!
Now then, this might be a little bit stringy
But then again, it's... fiddle player!

[TODD]
No, this isn't fiddle player - that is piccolo player!

[MRS. LOVETT]
How can you tell?

[TODD]
It's piping... hot!

[MRS. LOVETT]
Then blow on it first!

[TODD]
The history of the world, my sweet

[MRS. LOVETT]
Oh, Mr. Todd!
Ooh, Mr. Todd!
What does it tell?

[TODD]
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!

[MRS. LOVETT]
And, Mr. Todd
Too, Mr. Todd
Who gets to sell!

[TODD]
But fortunately, it's also clear

[MRS. LOVETT/TODD]
That ev'rybody goes down well with beer!

[MRS. LOVETT]
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, how about... rear admiral?

[TODD]
Too salty. I prefer general

[MRS. LOVETT]
With, or without his privates?
With is extra

[TODD]
What is that?

[MRS. LOVETT]
It's fop
Finest in the shop
Or we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I've just begun
Here's the politician, so oily
It's served with a doily
Not one!

[TODD]
Put it on a bun
Well, you never know if it's going to run!

[MRS. LOVETT]
Try the friar
Fried, it's drier!

[TODD]
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!

[MRS. LOVETT]
Then actor
That's compacter!

[TODD]
Yes and always arrives overdone!
I'll come again when you have judge on the menu!

[MRS. LOVETT]
Wait, true, we don't have judge... yet
But we've got something you might fancy even better!

[TODD]
What is that?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Executioner!

[TODD]
Have charity towards the world, my pet!

[MRS. LOVETT]
Yes, yes, I know, my love!

[TODD]
We'll take the customers that we can get!

[MRS. LOVETT]
High-born and low, my love!

[TODD]
We'll not discriminate great from small!
No, we'll serve anyone
Meaning anyone!

[MRS. LOVETT/TODD]
And to anyone!
At all!