A Letter

Everybody wants a reason for everything
It’s so much easier with someone or something to blame

I’ve always struggled at the root of the problem
Has it been absence or my constant lack of defense?

I’ve never spent a lot on finding a remedy
I guess I figured that it hurt for a reason
I guess that’s why I’ve always turned to writing it down
Not just in stories, but the letters in between
And I guess that’s why it haunts the pages of everything-
To self-examine

I think the thing is that I shut off from everything
From friends and family and my own ambitions
From having fun
I just shut off from everything

Self-defeating? Yeah, probably
But I don’t know that I had total control over it
And I’m not sure it even matters why

Sometimes things happen and you can’t do anything
Plus, I’m the only one who deals with it anyway
So if everyone could do me a favor and
Just put their fingers down
I’d-and keep your mouths-

Sorry. I know I seem angry
I’m not, I…I promise. I just know I did this to me
And I will deal with it accordingly

And I don’t need opinions from those never a part of it
Don’t need them pointing out my problems, they’re mine
Don’t need reminders, I know better than anyone

And yeah, I know, I should be finding another way
I know that I should be out seeking a substitute
But just forgetting never really made sense to me

So I haven’t been

Do I feel embarrassed about it?
I think you know the answer to that
I think you’d probably feel a little bit embarrassed for me
Wouldn’t you?

I know I should’ve moved on ages ago, been happy already
But it’s never been that easy for me
Or maybe it was me that made it so hard

I know I’ve only ever tried a handful of times
To sever this thing torturing me
It never got me anywhere, with anyone
No friendship or hobby, no lover’s bed worked

But looking back I maybe never tried hard enough
And it is my fault

Maybe I never tried at all