A Day in Richard’s Life

[XANAX]
Close your eyes, open your mind
Your journey's about to begin
Relax your karma and try not to barf
As the universe starts to spin
Hocus Pocus, Expialidocious
Set your aura free
Petrificus Totalus
Drink deeply from the chalice
Tell us what you see!
Ahahahaha!

[KING RICHARD]: I see a door!
[XANAX]: Oi! What did I say? No-
[XANAX]: Go through it
[KING RICHARD]: It's opening on its own!
[XANAX]: That's magic

[KING RICHARD]: This is the day my father died

[ROYAL COURT]
The king is dead, long live the king
The king is dead, long live the king
Where is his son, who'll inherit everything?

[CHEF]: Is that you, sire? So handsome
[KING RICHARD]: No. It's my much older brother, Kingsley
[YOUNG RICHARD]: I can't see anything!
[KING RICHARD]: That's me
[ROYAL COURT]: Shut up, you!
[YOUNG RICHARD]: I can't see anything!
[ROYAL COURT]: Shut up!

[CHEF]: Oh, dear
[KING RICHARD]: I ate my feelings. And a lot of bread

[ROYAL COURT]: The sword, Your Highness!
Here's your royal sword!
[YOUNG KINGSLEY]: No one gives me anything
[ROYAL COURT]: To be the king, you must receive the sword!
[YOUNG KINGSLEY]: If I want something, I take it
And I don't want to be any king

[QUEEN]: Oh, but, Kingsley, it's your destiny
We literally named you 'Kingsley'
God told us to!
It's not like we were being trendy

[YOUNG KINGSLEY]
My destiny lies beyond the castle walls, mother
I'm going to conquer and kill
And spread bastard children throughout the land, like wildflower seeds
Somebody else can sit on their ass and rule

[ROYAL COURT]
But who? Who?
But who? Who?
But who?

(Young Richard farts, the Royal Court gasps)

[QUEEN]: Dickie?
[CHEF]: Dickie? Ha!
[STEWARD]: Brilliant. Gareth!
[YOUNG GARETH]: Aye!
[STEWARD]: You shall be the king's guard
[YOUNG GARETH]: I'm only ten, but alright
I'm Gareth, and I'll faithfully serve you, My King

[ROYAL COURT]
The sword, your highness
Here's your royal sword
To be the king-

[YOUNG KINGSLEY]
Actually, I think I will take the sword
Good luck, Dickie