18 Wheels of Love (Live)

[Intro]
When my mom and dad got divorced
My mama, she was so miserable and so unhappy
She locked herself in her bedroom and she didn't come out for six long years
And in my mom's bedroom, my mama, she had three TV sets
Like Elvis, The King, used to have
And on top of each one of them TV sets
My mama, she had two VCRs
For recording all them shows she wasn't watchin'
And for six long years she stayed locked in her room
Drinking vodka and milk
And reading the National Inquirer and The Sun and The Star
And flippin' them channels
And then my sister graduated from school and the child support ran out
And my mom was forced to go out and get a job
And I know, I know not to tell you what a mean, cruel world it is
For a fifty year old woman without no college education
My mom, she had to work one shit job after another just to pay the rent
Until finally, fate
Or something led her to a place called R&D Trucking in Florence, Alabama
And they hired my mom as what they call a Truck Log Auditor
Every Monday morning she'd come and audit all them truck drivers' logs
To make sure they haven't been driving too many miles without sleep or somethin'
And if they had, her job was to call 'em in the office an bitch at 'em
And there was this one truck driver, his name was Chester
And Chester was the biggest, meanest motherfucker at R&D Trucking
Chester weighed about 350 pounds of pure muscle and gut
Chester had the word "Kim" tattooed right there on his forearm
And legend has it one night, back in Vietnam
Chester killed eight men in their sleep in order to escape from a POW camp
And now every Monday morning
My mama's calling that big, tall motherfucker into her office
And she's bitchin' him out
Until finally one day she just goes off the deep end
And she starts cussin' at the top of her lungs
And she says, she says, she says, "Chester!
God damn it, Chester, every week you fuck up your logs
When you know I'm going to catch you
Know I'm gonna call you in here and bitch at you
What gives?"
But all Chester heard was a bunch of—
And mom looked down from that desk where she had climbed up to have a height advantage on him
And she got madder than hell
And she said, she said, "God damn it, Chester, every week you fuck up your logs
When you know I'm gonna catch you
Know I'm gonna call you in here and bitch at you, what gives?
But Chester just looked my mama right square in the eye
And he said "Jan, it's because I'm in love with you
And I knew the only way I'd ever get to talk to you is to fuck up my logs
So you'd call me in here and bitch at me like you do so sweet"
And six months later to the day
My mama and Chester, they ran off to a tattoo studio
And he had "Kim" changed to "Jan"
And then they eloped to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, I could never make this shit up
And they got married at Dollywood
And I'd just moved to Athens, Georgia
And I didn't have no money to buy 'em a present
So I wrote my mama this song
It's called "18 Wheels of Love" and every goddamn word's true

[Chorus]
Mama ran off with a trucker
Mama ran off with a trucker
Mama ran off with a trucker
Peterbilt, Peterbilt
Mama ran off with a trucker
Mama ran off with a trucker
Mama ran off with a trucker
Peterbilt, Peterbilt

[Verse 1]
He's making her give life another stab
They can see the world from way up in the cab

[Chorus]
Mama ran off with a trucker
Mama ran off with a trucker
Mama ran off with a trucker
Peterbilt, Peterbilt
Mama ran off with a trucker
Mama ran off with a trucker
Mama ran off with a trucker
Peterbilt, Peterbilt

[Verse 2]
She can quit her job now and be his little bride
He can get a local route and stay home by her side
She can fix him roast beast and sweet potato pie
He can eat a lot of it 'cause he's a big ol' guy

[Bridge]
They got married in Dollywood
They got married in Dollywood
They got married in Dollywood
By a Porter Wagoner lookalike

[Outro]
Eighteen wheels of love