My Friend John

I've got a friend, his name is John
A regular sport, he's a perfect don
Whatever I do, it's a certainty
My friend John does the same as me

When we were kids we wore pink socks
Had chicken cough and whooping pox
I arranged to be born in '93
And my friend John did the same as me

Once I was bored and felt so blue
Hadn't a notion what to do
Thought I: "Now I'll go for a rare old spree."
And my friend John did the same as me

I thought as I wandered down the Strand
A music hall would be simply grand
Said I to myself, "I'll get in free."
And my friend John did the same as me

I saw an attendant in the hall
In uniform, capgold braid and all
So I told him that I was Beerbohm Tree
And my friend John did the same as me

They made me pay but I went inside
And a beautiful girl I quickly spied
I gave her the old glad eye, you see
And my friend John did the same as me

She told me her name was Rosie Green
Never been kissed and sweet sixteen
So I squeezed her between Acts Two and Three
And my friend John did the same as me

Every minute or so I paid
For ices, sweets, and lemonade
Then I asked her to sup at an ABC
And my friend John did the same as me

We went to a restaurant gay and fine
And ordered some 1916 wine
When I got outside I could hardly see
And my friend John did the same as me

We drove in a taxi to her gate
And found it had picked up three pounds eight
So I left my watch as security
And my friend John did the same as me

She asked me to call on her next day
I went and knocked at the door all gay
She said, "Come inside," and I did with glee
And my friend John did the same as me

A six-foot fellow walked in and cried
"What are you doing here?" and I replied
"Oh, I've called with the seed for the parrot's tea."
And my friend John did the same as me

That fellow had a foot like a Texas mule
He kicked me twice in the vestibule
In the gutter I landed gracefully
And my friend John did the same as me

I got up feeling sore and sad
Went back home and I felt so mad
I married the girl next door, you see
And my friend John did the same as me

Now in the twilight cold and gray
Often I sit at close of day
And think of the times now past and gone
Good times I had with my friend John

My old friend John, my old friend John
My old friend John, my old friend John
My old friend John, my old friend John
My friend John did the same as me