Belle of Barnstaple

[Verse 1]
She was a broad-beamed, bouncy, beautiful
Brown-as-a-berry bumpkin
Bound from Barnstaple
In love with a constable

A flat-footed, big-booted
Broad-chested, ham-fisted
Constable
In Barnstaple

And together they'd sport and play
Chase each other through the ha-a-a-ay
Fields

[Verse 2]
Well, she shouted, "Don't you dare
You dashing, dirty devil!
Don't you dare
Chase me there"

And he'd cavort and laugh and snort
And leap and peep in at
Their underwear
And devil may care

"I'm an ordinary country girl
And you set my heart in a whirl"

"With your whiskеry face
And a strap under your chin
You're a rеgular disgrace
I think I'm ready to give in."

[Verse 3]
"No, I've got me job to do. I've gotta be off
To wash and scrub the floors of a toff
In Barnstaple
He's very amenable

He pats me bottom ever-so-wary
Says, "My child, I think you're very
Suitable"
In Barnstaple

But his lady wife is not so keen
And she says I should be heard not seen
There

[Verse 4]
That's ever since she caught her spouse
A-chasin' me with his trousers down
In the east wing
"Most embarrassing!"

And another time she discovered him
A-lying in wait in the cupboard in
The west wing
"Most embarrassing!"

And she never will forget the day
When she overheard him say

"I'd forfeit all my titles
If only she'd give in
She's torturing my vitals
I think I'm ready for a gin"

[Verse 5]
Well, what are we going to do with her?
She setting everyone's heart astir
In Barnstaple
Especially the constable

The fireman's going right off his head
And the biker's putting nails in his bread
For the constable
In Barnstaple

Oh, whenever she passes by
Everybody starts to sigh
And stare

[Verse 6]
Now the vicar's in a heck of a stew
He can't take his eyes off a certain pew
At evensong
Ding-dong

The choirboys forget to sing
And the deacon he forgets to ring
The ding-dong
At evensong

And they never will forget the day
When the vicar knelt down to pray

"Thy kingdom on earth below
Thy will be done within
Thy kingdom's in the second row
O Lord, please let me in"

[Verse 7]
Oh well, alas, this jolly state of affairs
Was just too much for the women to bear
In Barnstaple
Very regrettable

The women's institute they yelled
That the likes of her should be expelled
From Barnstaple
Very regrettable

And so it was that on that day
The constable he took her away
From there

[Verse 8]
And off they went together
On their bicycle through the heather
To another town
Where they could settle down

And he could join the constabulary
And she could raise a family
In another town
Where they could settle down

And I have often heard it say
That to this very day

How once a year in Barnstaple
A strange event takes place
The men all leave their wives' bedsides
And the vicar forgets his grace

And off they go into the night
And when they return in the morning light
It takes their wives a year to wipe
The smile from off their face