Invocation and Instructions to the Audience

[THE OBSERVER, spoken]
Good evening, ladies gentleman and welcome. Patrons are respectfully reminded that the use of cameras or sound or video recording equipment is strictly forbidden. Also please do not sit in the aisles, as in the event of any emergency you will be trampled to death. Also, patrons who are fitted with hearing-aids are requested not to turn up their levels too high, lest they set up feed back in patrons fitted with pacemakers. Please do not crinkle your program incessantly. Please do not fidget uncontrollably in your seats. Please do not make little clicking noises with your tongue
And please

[THE OBSERVER]
Don't cough
It tends to throw the actors off
Alright, it isn’t Aristophanes but please
Don't cough
Don't say, "What?"
To every line you think you haven’t got
And if you're in a snit because you've missed the plot
(Of which I must admit there's not an awful lot)
Still don't
Say, "What?"

If you see flaws, please
Don't drop your jaws, please
Now loud guffaws, please
When things don't go as planned
During a pause, please
Lots of applause, please
If we don't get a hand
You’ll have to stand for one that’s canned

[*Canned audience applause plays*]

Don't go "Oh!"
Whenever there’s a song you know
And when you hear the verse don't whisper low
"They cut that outta town I saw the show
I don't recall the tempo being quite that slow"
And please, refrain
From eating sweets in cellophane

Though it's not Aristophanes
Please don’t fuss
And when you hear cacophanies
Well, don't blame us
If we should get satirical
Don't take it wrong
And if, by a sudden miracle
A tune should appear that's lyrical
Don't hum along

Do not throw food please
'Till we conclude please
Do not allude please
To talent gone to waste
If something's screwed please
Don't come unglued please
No need to leave in haste
The author has a reputation based
On taste

So please, don't fart -
There's very little air and this is art
If now and then you're restless don't lose heart
A premature departure may seem smart
But wait for the finale which is brilliant then depart
But first
We start
Putting it together