Cellular Degeneration

I decided it was time for me to find a new phone
Correction, my two-year-old decided on her own
To see how many things could fit into the toilet one day
I lost my phone, keys, and glasses in the swirliest way
I looked for a deal that would appeal to me
I looked around and finally found a buy one get seven free
With free interplanetary calling daily after lunch
And more free minutes than there are in a month
A little camera takes pictures that it sends to all my friends
Thirty-five megapixels and a telephoto lense
3D and night vision are all standard I suppose
But I paid extra for the lense that lets me see through your clothes
I can use it as a remote to control my TV
And even download all my favorite songs as MP3
And the quality astounds, it's in full surround sound
But I don't know how to change the Hello Kitty background
GPS, email, and that stuff ain't enough
This phone deflects bullets for when calling gets rough
It does just about anything at all
(pause)
But I can't make a damn phone call!

Can you hear me now? (sample: "What the hell did he say?")
(repeat 6 times)
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? (Huh, What?)

It's amazingly small but has all the latest tech
And attaches to my chest like they do on Star Trek
And you gotta check out the holographic display
It's telepathic, pornographic, and will make you obey
Text messaging used to be a pain
But now it's easy 'cause the words are pulled directly from my brain
And translated into any language thity-seven ways
And did I mention the protection against UV rays?
It keeps me online anywhere that I am
So I can download porn from in a traffic jam
And have the coolest chats where I pretend to be an elf
With an FBI agent who pretends he's twelve
My ring tone catches most folks by surprise
Out of nowhere you hear (sample: "Smell my nipple, win a prize.")
And it can make a sound that repels bugs
And if I turn it up I can drive my relatives nuts
I can call through time, I can talk to the dead
I can pretend that I'm a Borg and attach it to my head
I can play back every phone call I ever heard
(pause)
But I can't understand a damn word!

(chorus)

Woman: "Thank you for calling Phonitron Global Wireless, a leader in cellular technology. How may I assist you today?"

You can start with this piece of --- phone you sold me
And --- up your --- along with everything you told me
You stupid mother--- think you're all so slick
Well you --- can all just suck ---
And a ten year contract?! What the --- is that ---
It's ---, you can --- my left ---
Go --- yourself, and --- the horse you ---
--- you, --- boisenberry pie ---

Woman: "I'm sorry, sir. You're breaking up. Please call back at a later time, or try calling us back from a land line."

AAARRRGGHHH!!