I’m In Your Band

[Spoken: Neil Hamburger]
(Dial tone)
Hello
Hey, how you doin'?
Good, good.
Hey I saw your ad in the uh, in the fuckin' paper, man, looking for a alternative, uh, bass player? And I think I'm your man, you know what I mean? It's like I feel it, you know what I mean? Wanna hear some of my bass playing? I get- I have my bass here, man
Wait, I-
You ever heard of The Crinkles?
I got- I have an idea
You ever heard of The fuckin' Crinkles, man?
Lets-lets-lets-lets-lets make a-
(Imitates bass guitar sounds) What's that?
Lets-lets, uh, lets set a placе where we can meet
Alright, lеt's meet right fuckin' now. You know, people think I'm a total asshole because I steal all the other members' equipment and sell it for do- AHH just kiddin'! Anyway, hey, listen to this: (Imitates bass guitar sounds) you can use all my fuckin' songs! Lyrics too! I'm so heavy. (Imitates bass guitar sounds), gotta get down! (Imitates bass guitar sounds)
Hey, wh-what's the band called?
I won't reveal that, but-
YOU WON'T REVEAL THAT, oh you're such a fuckin' jerk. Hey, but that's okay, cause I'm a jerk too. Let's have the jerkiest fuckin' band in town.
Wh- why
I'll hold your hand all the fuckin' way to the top. What?
Why do you do- why do you call someone at almost 12:00?
Cause I- it's like, okay, I know it's late, right? But sometimes you just get INSPIRED to rock, right? It's like, what if fuckin' Ringo hadn't called, uh, McCartney at midnight, right? Where would we all be? We'd all be listening to the Dave Clark Five, right? Fuck that shit. Let's fuckin' jam! I gotta tell ya, I made an album for Atlantic Records. I worked in the fuckin' factory, pressing records! (Laughs)
Hey, are you still there man? Are you with me? You ever heard of Jaco Pastorius? Huh? So have I! (Laughs)
Are you there man? Buddy? BUDDY?
Wait, don't start- You know, you called once before, I know you did.
Aw, I didn't call you before! No way!
No, there can't be two people like you.
No, there can't be two people like me, they threw away the fuckin' mold the day I was born, buddy!
Cliche, cliche, but, y'know.
Oh, "Cliche, cliche", oh, listen to Mr. Smartypants. Let's hear something from you. I've done all the talking, you sit there with your lame, stupid, band, I'm trying to fuckin' fix your band up. What's the name of the band?
I can't tell you.
Oh, you're not gonna- Oh, I'm gonna be in the band, I'm gonna write all the songs but I don't get to know what the name is. What a fuckin' jerk you are.
You like abuse, don't you? Well, so do I! So let's get together and beat each others fuckin' asses and then play some rock!
Kay? BUDDY?
(Laughs)
What are you laughin' at? You got your hand on your pud?
But I really wanna, like-
You wanna rock, don't you? You ever heard of The Crinkles?
Oh, haha, that's so funny.
Oh, aren't you Mr. fuckin' suave, why don't you come down here and fight?
I'd-I'd like to, let's-
All the cr- you wanna fight?
Let's-let's make a- meet at-
You wanna meet at Haight and Fillmore in ten minutes? Fuckin' kick your ass. And then I'll fuckin' kick your ass with my music.
No, let's-(Laughs)
(Imitates bass guitar sounds) I'M SO HIGH! (Imitates bass guitar sounds) On love!
Let's do it tomorrow, you can set- you can set a place, and
Set- alright
We'll do it- I mean- cause I
You wanna fight or do you wanna fuckin' audition me for your dumb group?
No, I wanna beat your head in.
You wanna beat my head in.
Yeah.
I wanna suck your dick, what do you think of that? (Laughs)
So, come on.
Alright, you wanna fight.
Yes.
Well, let's fight in fuckin' Golden Gate Park.
Okay, what time, and-and where, and all that stuff.
Alright, how big are you, by the way, so I make sure that I can kick your fuckin' ass.
Ha ha, come on, just set-set the time and date.
All right, the time and date is this. You know, fuckin', uh, you know Ciabella burrito place on Haight street?
Yes.
Why don't you meet me there at 7:00, I'll buy you a fuckin' burrito and then I'll fuckin' punch your stomach and watch your burrito fly at my own face and then I'll kick your fuckin' head in. Then I'm gonna play some bass licks on your grave!
You know, you are witty.
You are shitty! (Laughs) Fuckin' jerk. Alright, so hey, let's just let bygones be bygones. You wanna fight, or do you want me in your band?
No, I just don't want you to call here again.
Oh, you don't want me to call here, oh, well then take your fuckin' ad out of the paper, dumb shit.
There is no ad in the paper.
Aw, that's not true. You wanna go to court over that one, you fuckin' dumb shit? It's right here in the paper: "Bassist needed". Asshole.
Wh-wh-what paper is this?
The fuckin' paper I'm gonna wipe my ass with as soon as I get off the phone!
Okay, that's fine, but wh-what paper is that?
I don't know. The Weekly.
And it's- what issue is that?
Today's issue they just put out today, man- why do you care? Let's fight!
What's your band called? Oh you're not gonna tell me, aw. Why?
Wh-why should I?
Because I'm in your band. You can't escape me.
Let me see, um-
I'm in your fuckin' band. I already joined.
Okay.
I'm your drummer. This is a joke! HAHAHAHA! No I'm not, I'm your bass player though. Come on man, gimme a chance! Don't you want- you don't want someone with a distinct personality, you just wanna have one of these generic boring new wave bands, right?
Yeah, we-we're a new wave, alright, but -(Call cuts) tonight, introduce yourself, and we can-
We can fi-
We- no, I don't wanna talk to you, you suck. I wanna fight you.
Okay, well, like I said.
Meet me at the Ciabella burrito place.
No, I think-
Where?
Do you have another call?
No.
I'm gonna come see your band and I'm gonna take over. So fuck you.
Okay, thank you.
Goodbye.